Should I tell my boyfriend that I kissed another person 3 weeks in relationship with him?

[BeHonestHiker]

I am F(22) and four years ago, at the beginning of the relationship, at the party I was kissing with one guy I have known earlier. I was then 18 years old and drunk and scared. My boyfriend is 5 years older then me and at the beginning of the relationship he would always talk how he would marry me, how that is it, how i am the right person, and I was a kid and I wasn't prepared for that. That is my first serious relationship and I was scared of things moving so fast. After that night at the party I felt terrible but I tried to forget that and move on with relationship. Guilt is killing me from that day but I have never told him for that because I was scared to lose him. It was a big mistake from my side, I feel terrible but from that day I stopped drinking, I know I would never do that again and I realized that he is the person I wanna be with.

For the past few months, our relationship is so good, we are planning to live together, he is treating me with so much love, but I feel like I don't deserve that, like I am the lie, like he doesn't know me at all because of that mistake. I am a completely different person now, I was a child 4 years ago who was looking for attention but I am not that anymore. I don't know if I should tell him about that night. I feel like I am lying and like this thing will always bother me. I want to be honest and I am honest about everything else, but not with that. I don't want to lose him, but I want our relationship to be honest... Is this something he should know before we live together? I don't know how he would react to that, he would probably be very hurt and I don't want that, but how to save myself, I changed and I can't keep this any longer...

It wouldn't even occur to me to tell him.
Be careful to get too serious too quickly - you feel much more mature now than you did then, but the same will apply in another 5 or 10 years too.

Gosh no, you’d only been together a few weeks, so while you may have referred to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend it was still
early days. Plus you were 18. You’re still very young op. I know people do settle down at 22 but there is a long life stretched in felony of you and the world is a big and exciting place.

Plus a guy telling you he is going to marry you from day one might sound jolly romantic but it’s a bit odd. Sounds like a line to me.

Yeah, but this is killing me, I am generally an honest person and because of that I feel like I don't deserve to be treated with that much love. Guilt is eating me to that point that I get paranoid that he will find out somehow.

You are being ridiculous, sorry. It really doesn't matter.

Do you secretly want to break up with him and want to create some drama and excitement in your life? If yes tell him.

If no, move on and don't think about it.

No

What do you mean by saying "for the past few months" things have been really good? Have they been less good?

no

@Tomorrowisyesterday
It was good, but I think every relationship has its ups and downs. For the past few months we see each other more, we talk about our future a lot, I got my first job so we want to get our relationship on the next level and live together. Our relationship was good before too.

I was wondering this too.

I don't want drama, I want to be with him. I don't know how to get rid of this constant feeling that I don't deserve his love because of that and that I am constantly lying when we have "cheating" conversations.

I don't like the sound of your boyfriend, he sounds like a love bomber.
I'm worried about you, you are blowing this kiss out of all proportion. It's nothing in the grand scheme of things, but you seem to feel unlovable . And people who feel unlovable are more likely to get into toxic or abusive relationships.

Hi OP, I was in a very similar situation and ended up losing sleep over what I was convinced was this terrible sin I had committed. Like you, I swore to myself I would stop drinking as some strange form of penance, like I had to prove to myself I had definitively changed. Like you I also posted on Mumsnet about it! In the end, I ended up telling my then boyfriend and he really didn't care - it wasn't the huge bombshell l had built it up to be in my head, and in fact for me it wasn't just a kiss either, I had actually slept with somebody else. If you want to speak to him about it then you should do - not because
'you must confess' but because if it's making you this anxious I think you deserve to be able to speak to the one person who is meant to be your partner and support. If he is a decent man then he will get over it and want to help you through what sounds like a rough time mental health wise, and if he doesn't then he's probably not the man for you!
There were some lovely supportive posts on here when I posted, but as always with Mumsnet there were some very, very strange responses - fully grown women saying things like 'keep it to yourself, don't hurt him for your mistake' etc and no doubt you'll get some similar responses. Ignore these. You haven't gone out and had a full blown affair, you've done something when you weren't sure how the relationship would develop and also weren't experienced in relationships. Really, don't beat yourself up or look on yourself as a bad person. This is more common than you think, I'm in my thirties now and I have a friend who is engaged who I know slept with somebody else when she and her now fiance were first dating. She doesn't think twice about it. Take care xx

What "cheating conversations" are you having OP?

Why have you posted this again?

OP - hear what @Padronpeppersplease is saying, it is healthy for your relationship to develop in honesty not with a backing of lies. But think how you would feel if he was to tell you the same and just he understanding of his reaction and how he may need extra reassurance from you for a while going forward. Good luck.

Just to add, I used to have to turn soaps off when there was an affair storyline because I felt it was too close to home. If somebody mentioned lying (in general) my heart would start beating fast. Looking back I really wasn’t well at all and it’s easy for people to say ‘forget about it’ if they’ve not experienced this sort of guilt, I know it’s not that easy - this is why I’d encourage you to tell him. That probably terrifies you, I know, because you imagine it will implode your whole life and future. But I’m here to tell you that the most important thing for you should be your own wellbeing, not walking around feeling as though you must be on your best behaviour at all times because of your supposed misdeeds. You’re better off airing out the problem and perhaps going to talk to a therapist about it all.

Do you mean your first proper job, or your first ever job? I'm just trying to work out where you stand as a 22 year old.

On her feet? Is it relevant??

Some men would hold this over you though and use it as an excuse for possessive behaviour.
We're not talking about the OP kissing someone last week; it was 4 years ago and presumably before she loved or felt serious about the bf.

Yeah it's relevant if she is quite cloistered and could be over reliant on a potentially love-bombing, slightly older man.

In which case he’s the sort of man you would want to get away from, not build a life with!

I agree, but the OP doesn't look like she's feeling able to walk away. She is beating herself up too much about a completely minor incident.

OP you had a lot of good responses when you posted the same issue last month - I would reread through the responses

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5193336-i-kissed-someone-who-is-not-my-boyfriend-4-years-ago-at-the-beginning-of-our-relationship?page=1

@Padronpeppersplease I am scared because it was 4 years ago, I want to be honest with him and I want to feel better but I won't feel better if I lose him. I don't know if it is a bigger deal because I would confess this after 4 years.