Should I tell my boyfriend that I kissed another person 3 weeks in relationship with him?

[BeHonestHiker]

I am F(22) and four years ago, at the beginning of the relationship, at the party I was kissing with one guy I have known earlier. I was then 18 years old and drunk and scared. My boyfriend is 5 years older then me and at the beginning of the relationship he would always talk how he would marry me, how that is it, how i am the right person, and I was a kid and I wasn't prepared for that. That is my first serious relationship and I was scared of things moving so fast. After that night at the party I felt terrible but I tried to forget that and move on with relationship. Guilt is killing me from that day but I have never told him for that because I was scared to lose him. It was a big mistake from my side, I feel terrible but from that day I stopped drinking, I know I would never do that again and I realized that he is the person I wanna be with.

For the past few months, our relationship is so good, we are planning to live together, he is treating me with so much love, but I feel like I don't deserve that, like I am the lie, like he doesn't know me at all because of that mistake. I am a completely different person now, I was a child 4 years ago who was looking for attention but I am not that anymore. I don't know if I should tell him about that night. I feel like I am lying and like this thing will always bother me. I want to be honest and I am honest about everything else, but not with that. I don't want to lose him, but I want our relationship to be honest... Is this something he should know before we live together? I don't know how he would react to that, he would probably be very hurt and I don't want that, but how to save myself, I changed and I can't keep this any longer...

Stop torturing yourself over this. It is nothing. 3 weeks into a relationship you weren’t even sure you wanted to be with this man who does sound as if he was love bombing you. Honesty is not always the best policy and absolving yourself of your guilt, which I think is misguided, in order to feel better about yourself is actually a rather selfish thing to do never mind self sabotaging. In the nicest possible way, regardless whether this relationship works out long term, perhaps you need to work on your self esteem a bit. Life will throw a lot more challenges your way and it will help you cope with them.

Surely you see though that if a man cares about something so minor he isn’t someone you want to be with - if you really think clearly about it. It’s scary the prospect of losing a partner - I used to sob daily saying I’d lose the ‘love of my life’ because of my stupid behaviour - but what’s scarier is walking around feeling like this all the time. In the end I split up from the ‘love of my life’ for totally unrelated reasons, I instigated it because I realised life was bigger and held more possibility than I had imagined at 22.

God no. Don’t tell him. Sounds like he wouldn’t take it well tbh! It’s such a minor thing - so on the one hand, why not tell him, he should just shrug and say ‘ah well! We were barely together then and look at us now!’.
But from what you’ve said, it sounds like his reaction wouldn’t be good. So don’t tell him. And notice that red flag. You need a non-toxic man who’s not threatened by a kiss 4 years ago when you had only been together 3 weeks.

This is a lovely well meaning post but OP I know if you’re like how I was you’ll fixate on the ‘he won’t take it well’ line and this will confirm to you your badness/sense of living a lie. I think what the poster means is he might be a bit taken aback as to why you are suddenly telling him something insignificant and wonder if there’s more going on, not that it would be some scooby doo moment of revealing the monster that lurks inside you. Hope that makes sense!

Spose that was a bit drastic yes - but I mean, what benefit is in telling him other than to OP? I was in same situation and in the fullness of time OP you’ll realise you were just 18 and what’s the big deal.

I think I will fixate on that thing for the rest of my life. I know I have to work on my self esteem as the other poster said and I am working on that but I am very honest person and this is hurting me.
He is not toxic or controlling or anything like that, he is a good guy really, and I don't think the kiss would be the problem I think that his trust in me will be gone and that the problem would be the thing I am saying that 4 years later.

I think the benefit is in recognising her mental health is important too - not that anyone should be telling everyone everything to clear their conscious all the time (OP, if everyone did this most people would probably have few friends left!) - but because in this instance it doesn’t seem like something she is able to just suck up. It sounds like something she at least should speak to a therapist about I think, or maybe a friend.

Or maybe he’ll see it in the opposite way, ie that you really want to have an honest relationship and want to discuss something that’s bothering you, and will be happy to reassure you? If he doesn’t see it that way then he isn’t the good guy you imagine, you can trust me on that

Could you be self-sabotaging now that things are getting serious? It was a silly kiss, not just years ago or at the beginning of your relationship, but when you were 18. It really doesn’t need to define you. We all did stupid stuff at 18. You’ve also not done anything like it since. Just chalk it up to experience and move forward with your life.

This is a total of reaction. You were young and not even in a relationship. If the guilt is so bad. I'd ask are you mature enough to be in a grown up relationship.

Maybe, I am so scared. I know in my heart that, for me, this is the right thing to do, but I am scared of losing him. I know that he is not the right guy if I lose him because of that but again, I don't know how I would react of the roles were reversed. It is really bad for my mental health, I will consult my therapist too and I will see what to do...

Why are you posting about this again?
Why are you obsessing about it? Talking to your therapist about it is a good idea.

I think he will see it as a big thing, because you are MAKING it a big thing. If you said it casually in a conversation he would not think twice about it. If you ask him to sit down as you have something to tell him, he will be forced to have a reaction. It is a bit like asking a kid if they are tired or hungry. Before that they did not even think about it. If you have to tell him, then do it as something that was insignificant and not as though you have had a full blown affair with someone.

I think your anxiety over this is a sign of a deeper issue which my sense is - that you should address before any long term commitment.

This worry about a kiss is IMO out of proportion and probably a flag for a deeper issue?

A therapist could help clarify what you need right now?

I don't know, I am sorry for posting this again. My anxiety is over the roof and I want to get rid of it. I was on therapy for this but I don't think anything is better. I want to be with my boyfriend but I don't think the relationship is healthy if my mental state is like this, and he is worried about me and I can't tell him why I am like this.

Well then I think for most people the answer would be no, of course you don’t need to tell him it’s no big deal.

but if you can’t get past it and are fixating on it then tell him if you must.

It's been 4 years, I always think if it's not better after years I don't think it will ever be... I don't know if that's right...

I am sorry OP but I am going to be really blunt, stop this right now. You are sounding really immature and frankly, you need to grow up. Why do you need to tell him, is it just to make you feel better for some irrational guilt? Where will this end, will you need to tell him every time you smile at a stranger, or make eye contact with another man?

in truth, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend, this is all about you, so you need to swallow it and get over it, as honestly all you will probably do is hurt someone and what precisely will that achieve? I am all for being open and honest in a relationship, but there are occasions where you do not need to be, because all it will engender is more hurt.

So get over yourself and move on... any maybe listen to the people on here who have told you to do so.

I really tried but I don't know how to get over myself. I want to let it go and to not think about it but everything I think is how I am not honest and how I don't deserve his love and attention.

FFS, love and attention are not deserved, there is no quotient for what you give and receive, it is not a finite resource. He does not give you x% so you return x% to break even. There will be times that he loves you more and other times when you love him more. It is not transactional. This is life, it is not an Hallmark movie or a Mills and Boone novel, it is not tidy and it is not Instagramable.

If you really want to tell him, then do it, but do not come back telling us how he throws it in your face that he cannot trust you. You need to move past this and actually live your life in the present rather than regretting something in the past you cannot change. And with this, I am out.

You've yourself tied in knots. There are only two options in front of you, tell or not tell. The constant debate in your mind is killing your mental health. The fact you've needed therapy for this shows how affected you are by it.
Is it better to potentially lose him/him lose trust but have honesty or live like you are living currently. Because it sounds like you are putting both of you through the wringer currently, so I can't see that telling him is going to make things worse than they are currently.

Have you posted about this before?

Just try and think how you would feel if it was reversed. This cannot just come out of the blue when things are good. 1, it was a kiss. 2, it was years ago when you were very young.
I have been with my DH for longer but even so, if he turned around and said he kissed someone years ago, weeks into our relationship, I'd wonder why he was telling me now. I would think he had been sitting on feelings or something for 4 years. If it truly was nothing more to it, I'd rather not know. Theres no benefit to telling him, it'll probably break your relationship and trust you've built up.

You need to end the relationship and work on yourself and your self esteem. If you are this obsessive and think you don't deserve his love etc then you aren't ready to be in a committed relationship. You will overthink every little disagreement while living with him and leave yourself open to abuse and/or paranoia.

Tell him the truth and take a long break away from the relationship at a very minimum. Establish yourself in your job for a couple of years before even considering living together and be firm on shared bills and responsibilities (eg housework).

What? No, it was just a silly kiss, that clearly you regret. But at that point you were together just a few weeks, it doesn’t matter, and it would be crazy to end a good and decent relationship over it. You clearly are very distressed about it, but it’s hardly crime of the century, and it was already 4 years ago, a different time.