I am F(22) and four years ago, at the beginning of the relationship, at the party I was kissing with one guy I have known earlier. I was then 18 years old and drunk and scared. My boyfriend is 5 years older then me and at the beginning of the relationship he would always talk how he would marry me, how that is it, how i am the right person, and I was a kid and I wasn't prepared for that. That is my first serious relationship and I was scared of things moving so fast. After that night at the party I felt terrible but I tried to forget that and move on with relationship. Guilt is killing me from that day but I have never told him for that because I was scared to lose him. It was a big mistake from my side, I feel terrible but from that day I stopped drinking, I know I would never do that again and I realized that he is the person I wanna be with.
For the past few months, our relationship is so good, we are planning to live together, he is treating me with so much love, but I feel like I don't deserve that, like I am the lie, like he doesn't know me at all because of that mistake. I am a completely different person now, I was a child 4 years ago who was looking for attention but I am not that anymore. I don't know if I should tell him about that night. I feel like I am lying and like this thing will always bother me. I want to be honest and I am honest about everything else, but not with that. I don't want to lose him, but I want our relationship to be honest... Is this something he should know before we live together? I don't know how he would react to that, he would probably be very hurt and I don't want that, but how to save myself, I changed and I can't keep this any longer...