DM Long - winded conversations

[Happiestwhen]

My dm seems to be getting worse with this as she gets older. She tells a story and it just goes on and on for ages. It is so boring to listen to. She just talks and talks with no point to anything. It's so frustrating. I notice other people getting frustrated with her to the point where they actually avoid her (eg when out walking the dog) I've mentioned to her that her stories are too long winded and she needs to cut to the point , be more concise. However she can't take any criticism yet wonders why her friends and family have started going quiet. If she's at anyone's house she will stay for hours and hours talking blankly. I was telling her about my sons accident and she jumped straight into a story about how her brother was always in hospital as a child. I didnt even get to say what had happened to my son. Any story I tell she goes on about something she experienced in the past or heard/saw from someone or tv. She will talk about what happens in movies/soaps in minute detail. She will talk about it for an hour if not interrupted. Is this something to worry about? I wonder if it may be an early sign of dementia as I remember my grandmother heading the same way before she got it. Or maybe she just has a trait of GM.

My mum’s like this and always has been. I’ll tell her I’ve broken my arm and she’ll interrupt and launch into a monologue about how my cousin’s husband (who I’ve never met and haven’t seen or spoken to my cousin in decades) hurt his arm playing golf last week and…

[deep breath]

‘did you know he was in the army he worked in the air force and went off to Afghanistan he’s got PTSD but he’s a good husband he loves cooking he made a chicken curry last week apparently it was delicious oh they’ve got a lovely little house his mum lives just down the road and goes to them for dinner sometimes her husband died last year so I think she gets lonely oh did I tell you little Polly has just started school she’s not happy about it mind you apparently she came home the other day crying because she didn’t like the teacher she was distraught oh dear me I don’t know it reminded me of when your brother was little and [insert 30 minute long story I’ve heard 300 times before]’

There’s no pause for breath and if I try to interrupt to say ‘oh yes I remember this story’ she just talks over me. I feel like I’m being held hostage.

I have a friend who I love dearly but she does this too. Halfway through one story she’ll get distracted and start telling another story, then does the same thing with that story and I find myself having absolutely no idea who or what she’s talking about anymore.

I find it really difficult. In my opinion, unless you’ve been asked a very specific question, if you’re talking for more than about 30 seconds at a time then you’ve been talking too long.

My mum does this too, always has done and getting worse with age. I'm not interested in what happened at such and such a farm in tv etc etc, never have been, never will be. I really struggle to spend a few hours at hers, am irritated and bored. I'm an only child, so no choice, but once I've helped with what she needs I make an excuse and leave.

My mum rants and raves about people who have supposedly wronged her too. Often it will be about a tiny perceived slight that occurred 40+ years ago. When my grandmother died (her MIL) she chose THAT day to start ranting and raving about how my grandmother had always looked down her nose at her, then went on to recount stories I’d heard a thousand times about alleged comments and dirty looks. She also started going on about how terrible it was that my grandmother had gone to sit in the front seat of the funeral car on the morning of my dad’s funeral, and how she had insisted she sit in the front instead. It was like she just could not compute why a mother who had lost her beloved son would have assumed that position.

Not saying this is your mum's problem- but the story thing is an ADHD thing. I struggle with it, I distract myself halfway through with a tangent, then the backstory to the tangent, then some relevant side info, then forgetting what I was talking about in the first place. Peopling is HARD WORK 😆

@Onlyvisiting But you you go on and on for a hour though, not allowing the other person to get a word in or get away? Can you see when they’re losing the will to live, or do you not notice? I think that’s what makes the difference between extreme monologuing and just losing track of what you were saying.
My mother used to get angry if I tried to stop her and either move on or leave, however politely I did it.

I'm getting retroactively annoyed now, lol. My mum used to refuse to let us interrupt her AT ALL if she was on the phone. Like, if I had to leave to go out and I popped into the living room to say cheerio she would completely refuse to acknowledge me if she was still on the phone. If I said just a minute mum she would hiss 'I'm SPEAKING' then turn back to the phone.

Control, control, control. I see it now.

Well, I hope not 😆. But who knows?!
Honestly no, I don't think I do as I am very conscious of being rude or weird and just don't talk much at all as its easier. However my mother has always been similar and has definitely gotten much harder to have a conversation with as she has gotten older. Bit deaf, can't stick to a point and jumps in on every story she can draw a parallel with. Which is also something i have to make a conscious effort to avoid .
So basically she is me, but 30 years older, deafer and with even worse social skills.
Its really irritating but I know she just can't help herself, I mean, very few people would KNOW they are boring the tits off everyone and still do it, they just don't recognise it for whatever reason. I'm not sure if it's age or what but both parents social skills are drying up even faster than their mobility. (60s both). It's weird as they were pretty hot on good manners when we were small, I don't know what happened but they say the most embarrassing things now when they wouldn't have done it before.

I'd love to read that thread! My father monologues till we're all nearly unconscious, it's awful so awful

I found this one https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4258747-People-who-monologue-rather-than-having-a-conversation

My mother was like this. I realised she was only ever interested in herself, and actually always was.

Things I used to find to help me cope:

1. If she called, put her on speakerphone and get on with chores adding a few 'hmmmms', 'yeah'. 'mmmmms', oh really?' etc

2. If she visited, get on with my chores, with her rambling in the background - again injecting with a few 'mmmss', 'hhhmmmms' etc. She didn't even notice if I left the room! If I visited her, I would play mindless games on my mobile whilst she just droned on and on and on

3. When I had enough or run out of time, I would interrupt and say 'sorry Mum - I need to get on - speak soon' - then leave/get her coat/put down the phone.

It's a very superficial relationship sadly. I did point out to her that our conversations were one-sided, that she never seemed that interested in what I had to say - but she didn't get it and denied it.

My mother made a small child cry recently. She was going to an event with a friend and her 6yr old. She wouldn’t stop talking, the child tried to interrupt but was told not to. He ended up crying, poor little dab. She is exhausting. You can pretend to be asleep, be trying to sleep, be feeling ill, be in a different room… nothing stops her. She comes in and starts talking at you while you are still in bed.

Basically there isn’t enough attention in the world to fill her neediness.

She gave herself away at my birthday party though. We were going round the room taking turns in a game - can’t remember what. She kept trying to have alternate turns, as though there were only two people playing rather than about 15.
Me, me, me.

I wonder if it’s a weird generational
thjng about ‘adults’ taking and some of our parents have never moved on from our childhoods. My mum is the same and worse with age- she turns every conversation back to her.. like if someone is taking about their job she’ll interject with ‘well I used to work as yadda yadda’ and go on for fucking ages.
If you try and move the conversation on to involve everyone (who are usually bored by then) ie ‘oh yes Mum I remember you saying about working in marks and Spencer’s- Julie you work in retail don’t you’ or if someone else interjects she doesn’t let the conversation move on naturally. We get a lot of ‘well I wasn’t finished so if you’d let me finish you’d hear I was saying xxx’ or ‘As I was TRYING to say’. It’s insufferable.

So with you

My mum has tendencies of this with long winded tales before getting to the point but fortunately she is very interested in me and my life so it's fine.
My grandmother on the other hand, literally does not care a jot about what I might have to say. Any vague tenuous link to something she can say and she jumps in going on and on about something from years ago. If I try to say 'well yes, that trip 40 years ago to France sounds lovely so I was saying, on our holiday to France baby walked for the first time...' it's like she doesn't even hear me. 'oh yes that's right it was Sue and Alan we went with, I'd forgotten, he worked in finance and etc etc '. I've given up caring now, she won't change.

Oh god yes, 'as I was TRYING to say'. Another passive aggressive gem. The whole thing is about dominance.

My mum does this too, it's like she's just waiting to turn the conversation round so that is about her.

Tell him he's getting like his mum! That should Ah Ok v k him into being more concise.

That should say 'shock'...

This is all so familiar. My mum always used to monologue/hold court, then she got deaf so she couldn't hear as well as couldn't listen (the two are very different).

It was immensely frustrating as well as heartbreaking. The amount she missed through not being able to hear!

She died a week ago.

I love her, but I have some very mixed feelings about our relationship, which I need to process and sort through.

It won't affect how you can deal with the interaction, but I feel obliged to point out that your first three posts contain descriptions of four absolutely classic markers of ND conversation

1. giving lots of extra detail to any story to ensure there is full context/backstory - and thereby reduce the chance of misunderstandings
2. telling related stories from her own experience when you mention something that happened to you - in order to build a bond through shared experience/similarity, not to steal limelight!
3. great depth of knowledge/interest in one subject (medical conditions) and drawing the conversation back to that topic repeatedly
4. not realising when she is boring people

Oh God I have the same thing. She is 65 but she has done this for a few years now. Exactly the same, all me me me and interrupting conversations with stories too. I am so bored with it. I keep having to hear about videos with kids singing, "funny" kids stories that aren't funny and I know more about someone called Sydney Christmas than I will ever need to know. Same with the ailments and talking about people I have never heard of in my life. It's not dementia, it's just self-obsession I think. It's gone on for too long and not changed for it to be dementia-related.

A relative of mine is like this. Sometimes I let him drone on with his 1 hour stories. Other times I cut in and tell him to get to the point. Some stories are funny and I don't mind. Other times I roll eyes as I've heard it all before.

It's rudeness - they wouldn't listen to you for 10 minutes, they just want to talk about themselves. You're there to listen, not speak.

I find my DM fascinating, she talks constantly. I once timed her, out of interest. 4 hours + non-stop talking. Not a moment of silence. There's nothing wrong with her, as far back as I can remember she's always loved to be heard. I was in another room, thankfully. We are very low contact as she actually gives me a headache.

I understand the headache thing. I used to get a thumping headache after enduring my mother and often severe nausea too. I went LC too.
@SensibleSigma that’s awful, poor child.

60s is way too young for declining social skills and mobility. DH and I are 65 and have definitely not gone weird or decrepit yet! I still work full time in a demanding job, and I just couldn’t do the job if I didn’t have communication skills, tact, diplomacy etc.

Have they retired and stopped making an effort? Some retired people go downhill because they just can’t be arsed to move or think much any more. Others, like my friend in her 70s, are mentally and physically more like 40 or 50 year olds,

I have a relative who is in her 90s now and although she comes out with a load of old bollocks sometimes (she always did to be fair, but it’s got worse), she hasn’t started monologuing, or turning the conversation back to herself all the time like my mother did.