DM Long - winded conversations

[Happiestwhen]

My dm seems to be getting worse with this as she gets older. She tells a story and it just goes on and on for ages. It is so boring to listen to. She just talks and talks with no point to anything. It's so frustrating. I notice other people getting frustrated with her to the point where they actually avoid her (eg when out walking the dog) I've mentioned to her that her stories are too long winded and she needs to cut to the point , be more concise. However she can't take any criticism yet wonders why her friends and family have started going quiet. If she's at anyone's house she will stay for hours and hours talking blankly. I was telling her about my sons accident and she jumped straight into a story about how her brother was always in hospital as a child. I didnt even get to say what had happened to my son. Any story I tell she goes on about something she experienced in the past or heard/saw from someone or tv. She will talk about what happens in movies/soaps in minute detail. She will talk about it for an hour if not interrupted. Is this something to worry about? I wonder if it may be an early sign of dementia as I remember my grandmother heading the same way before she got it. Or maybe she just has a trait of GM.

I don't think it's control exactly.
But it's a lack of ability to have two way conversations.

It's a sign is stress anxiety and depression I think.

I think that “blocking the way” thing is definitely an older age behaviour. My mum has started doing it- just walks into a shop / doctors / wherever and stops dead totally blocking anyone else from coming in or going out. I’ve had to say to her to keep moving, which irritates her intensely. 🤦‍♀️

I think it's genetic rather than age. All of DH's family do it. No awareness whatsoever that someone is behind them. They'll just walk through a door and stand there blocking the way. Well it's either no awareness or they just don't care that you're stood behind them with a hot bowl of food for the table. I just shout at him to move now

Snap. I noticed today that the usual leeway I get where I get about half a sentence out has been rescinded, it was just a stream of consciousness with the odd question but no pause to answer.

Difference with mine is that there’s no interesting stories- well unless cost of energy, smart meters and medical stuff does it for you!

Because it’s just you they aren’t interested in! Well it is in my case I’ve concluded.

This is the case with DM but for quite a specific reason. In her terms we family exist in relation to her. She doesn’t need to ask about our inner world because she knows. We are an extension of her. She’s not interested in learning more as she knows already.

Other people are more like animals in the zoo, to be looked at and discussed, ideally manipulated, but ultimately irrelevant apart from what they can do for her.

‘We’ exist to turn up to her gatherings, host her, solve her problems and facilitate her life. As long as we are doing that she doesn’t need to know what’s going on beneath the surface. And if we aren’t doing that, the rage is alarming to behold.

But mine is really narcissistic, so perhaps slightly different!

I don’t think mine does it in a narcissistic or controlling way, it’s more like she just never got past the egocentricism stage of development and genuinely can’t grasp that other people have feelings too.

I asked her some pretty basic questions about my dad today but she said she didn’t know. I don’t know if that’s because he didn’t tell her or if it’s because she wasn’t listening.

Having said it’s not narcissism, she was vile to me when I was unwell as a teenager because I was suddenly getting more attention from my dad than she was.

@Jaehee narcissists aren’t the monsters they are made out to be. There are different types- vulnerable, They’re mums, brothers, neighbours…
That stalled development is part of it, I think. Sometimes trauma, survival stress. DM thinks that in a relationship, one is the slave and the other the idol. It’s important to her that she’s the idol. So there’s no room for anyone else’s needs. I mean, she’s fairly good to her slaves, in her own eyes. Around the edges of rage that they are malfunctioning, she’ll make a fuss about them seeing the doctor and make grand gestures and quiz the medical team…

Sorry, that’s a total diversion. Apols.

I’ve worked with older people for most of my career - 18 years. Only this year have I actually met a female in her 80s who has recently been diagnosed as autistic.

when I look back statistically there must have been 100s undiagnosed struggling with neurodivergence in some capacity.

some were probably just horrible and selfish (statistically 😉)

OMG this is the worst. Pretty sure my DM has undiagnosed ADHD, the way she tells stories that hop all over the place and never end.

Omg, the 'let me finish' with a finger in the air. I've got PTSD just reading it!

I have this with my mum, we went away at the weekend for my birthday somewhere new, I got back and HAD to go round to see her new carpet and got a full blown account of what her and my dad did from the day we left to the day we got back, even what plants she had bought and had to see where she put them, but not one single question of what we did, if I had a nice birthday, or if we had a nice time, she barely paused for breath. I can't remember a time she wasn't like it, I remember her rants as a child, I've definitely always been the parent/counsellor from a very young age, it's exhausting.

"narcissists aren’t the monsters they are made out to be"

Really?. What are they then?. These types of personality disordered people cause an awful lot of emotional harm. Working with them is bad enough.

People who live or work with them or have them as family relations (like many of these posters) have my utmost sympathy. Their emotional development stalled or otherwise stopped around the age of six. Its not possible to have a relationship with people this disordered of thinking.

My MIL is like this- when I first met her I was a bit gutted she didn't like me and wasn't interested in me at all as she never asked me any questions to get to know me and if i tried to speak would cut me off to talk about what she wanted. DH said she's always been like this, she's never asked him how he is or anything about him either. She doesn't know anything about him. We all just get this monologue of old stories we've heard a million times and tales of people we don't know's sisters husbands cats brother's health troubles.
When I first got together with DH she used to corner me on my own and monologue about DH's ex and how she lies awake at night worrying about her, how she wished she'd done more to keep them together, all about the poor ex's problems all about her family etc. DHs ex was really psychologically, verbally and physically abusive to him, but she wouldn't know that because she never asked him about himself or how he was.
DH told her to stop but she still did it so now he just doesn't leave me alone with her. I feel sorry for her and can honestly say I have tried my best with her (sitting internally screaming for hours being monologued at and talked over when you try to stop her, being kind, nodding, mmm-ing). FIL is conditioned, just sits there and never gets a word in.
We've not seen them for ages as she blew up when DH went round and asked her not to be racist in our house in front of our child (another story!) and she sobbed and wailed and said there's no going back now that we think they're racist (they're homophobic too but we haven't even gone there!) and she could never see DH again and threw our house key at him and told him to get out. He's gone round a couple of times to see them, don't know what has been said but he says he feels guilty. My child finds spending time with them upsetting and stressful so at this point in time I'm enjoying the break from them. Got enough stress in my life (chronic illness, chronically ill child, healing from shitty people in my own family) they don't give two shits about DH, me, DC, and what we've been through.
With these people I never know what they get from it. Someone upthread said control. It's so so damaging and my best goes out to all of you that have been affected by it. You just cannot win. They make you feel like shit about yourself!

Oh crikey snap . We got a new high this week, usually if I’m asked a question can get half a sentence in before she interrupts. This time a very rare question was asked then absolutely no pause to answer she just carried on. But why would you wait I suppose when you aren’t interested in the answer. But why ask?!

That is really insightful thank you. Mine isn’t quite bright enough for narcissism, more emotionally immature but your comments resonate as she doesn’t know where she ends and I begin, I was very enmeshed as a child with her. She used to do a „she doesn’t understand „ if I ever disagreed . I’m tons more intelligent empathetic self aware etc etc, I had to be to manage living with my parents in the absolute war zone ! I very much do understand. I nearly got her to admit she had no idea where I worked or what I did a few weeks ago but she got snotty at the last minute about it and I didn’t push the conversation.

thank you again for that insight, found it powerful and thought provoking.

My first visit from DPs, after I got engaged…
They said hello, them DM said, ‘look, I’ve got a new ring!’, and showed me her hand.

I still don’t know if it was a clumsy way of asking to see mine.

Oh, you know it was a clumsy way of competing... 😏

When I told my parents of my engagement (to respectable, educated boyfriend I'd been seeing for four years in Uni), you'd have sworn I'd said 'Hey ho, I'm going to have a baby and it will be addicted to crack like I am.' Deathly horror. Faces like Munch's 'Scream'. Just because. 🤷‍♀️ Could see the power slipping away, I guess.

Anyway, this week I am getting the Silent Treatment because I wouldn't cancel a medical appointment to meet her for lunch. If only she knew what a joy the Silent Treatment is... In another week or so she'll crack and make out that she was 'really ill' and I couldn't be bothered to even phone to find out if she was alive or dead... But a) I have siblings who'd tell me, and b) there's champagne in storage for the latter eventuality... 😆

Mine tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. Wouldn’t get started with preparation at all, and acted all surprised when I did. She only stepped in because I was, of course, doing it all wrong. Ah, happy days.

Manipulating it so you couldn't win either way... I can relate... solidarity, Sister! ✊

When I told them I was getting married the first time they said it was only because I was pregnant .. We'd been engaged eighteen months and they came to the engagement party 😂
When I told them I was pregnant with my third child my dad walked out of the room and got in their car to drive home! I never got an apology either. But he was always disapproving, I never did anything right 🤷‍♀️

My Mum is exactly like Uncle Colm from Derry Girls. Exhausting.

My DM is like this - and asking incessant questions, and not listening to the answers. In her case it stems from diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder for which she refuses to seek treatment, and persistent low mood (there’s a fair bit of variations on ‘isn’t the world a terrible place?’ type of chat). My guess is that it’s underpinned by some traits associated with autism and that as she’s getting older it is becoming more difficult for her to mask. She lost my dad a few years ago and I don’t think we really appreciated how much he shielded and protected her.

Which ND conditions (apologies if I get the terms wrong) would you suspect in such a situation?

My dm is like this too. Not an age thing. I feel like the parent. Anyone got any advice about this other than trying to just accept it?

Primarily autism (social awkwardness + special interest). There can be a lot of overlap though!