DM Long - winded conversations

[Happiestwhen]

My dm seems to be getting worse with this as she gets older. She tells a story and it just goes on and on for ages. It is so boring to listen to. She just talks and talks with no point to anything. It's so frustrating. I notice other people getting frustrated with her to the point where they actually avoid her (eg when out walking the dog) I've mentioned to her that her stories are too long winded and she needs to cut to the point , be more concise. However she can't take any criticism yet wonders why her friends and family have started going quiet. If she's at anyone's house she will stay for hours and hours talking blankly. I was telling her about my sons accident and she jumped straight into a story about how her brother was always in hospital as a child. I didnt even get to say what had happened to my son. Any story I tell she goes on about something she experienced in the past or heard/saw from someone or tv. She will talk about what happens in movies/soaps in minute detail. She will talk about it for an hour if not interrupted. Is this something to worry about? I wonder if it may be an early sign of dementia as I remember my grandmother heading the same way before she got it. Or maybe she just has a trait of GM.

My DM has always been a bit like this. She's never really been interested in others, she has always wanted to talk about herself but it has definitely got worse and she's recently received a diagnosis of dementia.

I'd ask for your thread to be moved on over to the Elderly Parents Board. There are a lot of experienced MNers in there

My father has got like this, it was so bad the other day, I forgot what he was talking about. He got shitty when I asked him to get to the bloody point, as I'd forgotten what he was explaining.

Absolutely nothing wrong with him at all and it's always about nothing important.

Thank you both , it's reassuring to hear other experiences. She is only early 60s so definitely not elderly as such (yet) I forgot to mention that she is absolutely obsessed with medical conditions. She speaks as if she is a professional . Always recommending things for ailments etc. Always talking about everyones health , neighbours etc who I don't know. Finds it fascinating but the listener doesn't!!

@Happiestwhen the medical thing?? So many of my DMs friends are like this. It’s like a hobby, discussing people’s health. Quite obsessive. And nosey.

is she lonely? Does she have anyone to talk to in a normal day to day way at home? I often find that the friends who do this are the ones who have no one to share with on a day to day basis so they save it up for when they have company and have a splurge.

Perhaps it’s time for more direct talking about the issue when you have something you can use as a concrete example of its effect on others.

She has df and dsis at home but they all stay in separate rooms most of the time. They avoid conversations with her too , they walk away if she starts talking. It's sad in a way as if she just cut down on the chat a bit she would have much more of a social life.

My mum has always been like this, it's a form of control. You have to sit in silence while she fills in screeds of backstory you didn't ask for. If you hint or say openly that you just want to know what happened, she looks horrified and says 'I'm TELLING YOU' and you have to keep sitting there.

I'm brave in my old age and challenge her humourously as I no longer really want to tolerate the manipulation. Which is what it is.

This is so sad. Has she always been like this? - or to this degree? I can't help thinking that her chat is covering up for something - anxiety maybe.

My mil is like this. She is going to tell her story even though I would tell her she has told me before. I see people giving her a wide berth as well.
I really hope I don't start getting like this

I had exactly this conversation with my friend yesterday. Her MIL steers every conversation back to herself to garner sympathy and my mum gives 40 minutes of aches and pains then 40 minutes of TV programmes she's seen in excruciating detail. You have my sympathy.

Late MIL was like this, and DH used to complain about it all the time to me as he found it so infuriating that he had to listen to her going on and on relating every single thing she'd done the entire day, just to find out she'd been to the shop for a pint of milk. But unfortunately, DH has started doing it now as well.

Aaarghhh - just get to the point!!

My mother has always been set to Transmit, never Receive. She’s now elderly but has always been the same.

when I visit, she starts talking even before she’s through the door of the room she’s coming into.

The only upside is that she is a good storyteller so is often quite funny, and interesting things seem to happen to her, (very possibly embellished).

Generally though it’s exhausting, she has no filter and no interest in my life.

I'd just start putting the phone down - not hanging up, just putting it down and leaving her talking away to herself - or leaving the room.

All you can control here is whether you subject yourself to listening to it.

It seems common, I know many like this too. I hope it’s not inevitable, I really worry about becoming like this. I’m wonder how you know if you’re starting to do it, as they seem oblivious!

If she's only in her 60s what does she actually do that may be interesting? Does she work or volunteer? Does she keep herself fit and go out either her DFs?

Totally agree, my father is the same, can't bring myself to call him 'dear' though.

If you had a parent like this you wouldn't be feeling sorry for them you'd be feeling sorry for yourself and all those around you, it really is quite unbearable

Totally agree, my father is the same, can't bring myself to call him 'dear' though

Same with my Mum. I usually put the Dear in inverted commas.

What's her hearing like? My mum started doing this when she began to go deaf. She couldn't hear what other people were saying but didn't want anyone to realise, so just kept talking so nobody else could get a word in edgeways, and therefore wouldn't notice that she wasn't hearing very well. She's better now she's got hearing aids.

Actually thats a really good point. My "D"M cant hear much of what others say ti her and can rarely follow a conversation.

Thank you, yes! My mother has always done this, and I agree that it's about control... I'm nearly 60, but her attitude seems to be 'Mummy is talking' - she used to shut us down all the time as kids to the point where we were scared to speak... (in company she'd give us this glare, even if an adult had asked us a question and we were answering)... 😠

As a child I'd watch the Aunties all gabbing frantically away at each other, none of them listening to each other, and it did seem to be a fight for supremacy, or some bizarre social grooming to establish the hierarchy... 🧐🙊🐒

So do I! I’m horrified to see that OP’s mum is only in her early 60s. She isn’t elderly. I’m older than she is!
My mother used to do long dreary monologues like this, but my father, MIL and FIL didn’t, even in very old age. They were able to have normal conversations. It really isn’t an inevitable consequence of getting older, it’s more to do with personality.
There was a whole thread on MN about monologuing and why people do it. It was ages ago though so would be difficult to find. Whatever the reason, it’s extremely, extremely hard to be on the receiving end. My mother’s monologues were overwhelmingly about negative things - moaning about how people had wronged her in the past, spiteful character assassinations - and went round in a nightmarish loop. I had to go LC to save my sanity.

I don't know if it is age related

some people just monologue

my dad did it for a while and then changed back

my mum did it for a couple of periods

maybe just a habit for OP mum but I'd say to her it's alienating people.

She is not demented, this is the sort of behaviour narcissists do. Her
mother was the same unsurprisingly.

It is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

This is very interesting, I didn't know there was a term for it. Must have a look for that thread, thanks! And yes , dm also goes on a lot about people who have wronged her or close family in the past. She rants and raves about them whenever a similar story is mentioned. Or even things the government did that she disagrees with. She will go off on a rant about it for an hour. She was diagnosed as bipolar about 20 years ago but completely contested this. She refused to take medication. Her mood is OK now but she does get quite agitated about being scorned in the past.