Partner tries to ruin things that being me joy

[idontknowwhattoputhere]

So, just a few examples and I am just wondering why he is like this. Surely this is really strange behaviour and should be the opposite?

The worst period with him was after giving birth to me daughter. I could hardly walk downstairs. He made me bread with butter whilst he ate normal meals. He made me pizza one night and shouted at me for falling asleep when it was ready. On our first walk with our daughter, he stormed ahead and I couldn't catch up as I had a lot of stitches. I'm sure I was losing my mind with PND and I opened up about it and he said “you would have that, wouldn't you”

For my daughter's first birthday, he caused a huge argument just before all the guests arrived. He even tried to leave and not help me with anything. He does this on Christmas and birthdays.

I found a lump in my breast and he was awful to me. Really awful. Thankfully after an examination, it was clear.

Whenever I have a race he never comes to support me, not once.

He never does any gardening so his mum paid for a gardener to sort out our garden. I was incredibly happy with the results and he threw a broom on the floor and started shouting at me “You get everything you want!!!!”

It’s anytime I find joy in something he finds a way to take away my happiness.

He always does what he wants, I accommodate all of his training, competitions, and weeks away for training camps, and I'm very supportive. He would say the opposite which is unfair and untrue.

He is so incredibly selfish. He only buys himself food, only cooks for himself, doesn't contribute to anything at all, he very tight with money, very resentful when sending me a top-up as my hours at work are short due to our daughter's nursery times, which isn't my fault as he won't help. The only joy or interest he shows is in Jiu-Jitsu.

I said all of this to him, told him how he acts like a bachelor and doesn't deserve a family. I was completely set on leaving and he talked me out of it. I've applied for social housing as I rely on him financially. Yesterday as a “joke” he was calling me, stupid, dump, wrinkly and re*arded all day.

Living with the Dominator: A Book About the Freedom Programme: 1 amzn.eu/d/j9VitiB

He would last less than half a second with me!

I can't get my head around it either.

You only have one life, spend it surrounded by people who love you, support you, care about you and respect you.

My god. Stop. Get out. He could promise me a million pounds and treating.me like a queen for the rest of my life and I'd still leave him because of what he has done in the past. He is horrific. Nobody deserves that. Your daughter doesn't deserve to see you treated like that.
I'm so sorry op for what you have been through.

You definitely need to leave. Do you have an idea how long the social housing waiting list is and is there anywhere you can go in the meantime?

I would strongly suggest that once you're free you do not enter another relationship for a good long time (years) to give yourself chance to recover and build up resilience and instead focus on creating a lovely calm home for you and your child and progressing in your work.

It feels kind of basic explaining it to you, but there are many circumstances where it creeps up slowly, women are scared to break apart the family dynamic, you have no benchmark so think 'it's not that bad'. So many different reasons women accept men like this.

I don't think your post is kind or helpful.

OP, it's amazing that you have resolved to leave. You can take your time to get all your ducks in a row. It sounds like it's going to be a financial strain but with changing a few things around you can make it happen. Are you documenting things by any chance? If not for solicitors for your own clarity?

Imagine if your daughter came to you saying all you have in the OP, what would you tell her to do?
Please finish with this man by the end of 2024, so you can actually enjoy 2025.

He resents you.

Your post is rude and I don't think it is particularly helpful to normalise absolute obviously substandard relationships. I see them in real life and frequently on Mumsnet and I think it is absolutely valid to say "Why do women put up with this shit?"

Wow reading this has me feeling so so sad. I can't believe any 'man' could treat his wife this way, it's actually heartbreaking. Leave him like YESTERDAY!! Everything else will fall into place but you and your daughter deserve so much better. What a waste of space he is, horrible nasty human

The sooner you dump this abusive arsehole, the sooner you'll get your joy back. Don't waste your precious life on him.

Also, please remember you are not at fault for choosing him or choosing to have a child with him. He is at fault for treating you like this.

Be very careful while you're planning to leave. This is a very dangerous man.

This isn’t helpful or supportive.

Why are you with this man?

Whatever behavior you accept you are teaching your daughter to do the same. If it wouldn't be good enough for her when she's an adult do not accept it !

Surely.... oh love surely you know you deserve better than this waste of skin. Please make plans quietly to leave. :-(

This is horrific. Why are you staying? What example are you setting to your child by staying. Pack now and leave as soon as you can

It gets bandied about a lot, but it sounds like he may be a proper narcissist. If he doesn’t fit the grandiose part of being a narc, he could well be a covert narc which can be more difficult to spot. Everything has to be about him (that’s why he sabotages everything you like), if he’s not the centre of attention he’ll find fault with something. It comes from low self-esteem (what are his parents like? If you’ve got a narc as a parent you’re more likely to become one yourself) and can result in unbelievable meanness…put someone else down to make you feel better about yourself.

If he is a narc, there’s not really much you can do about it. He thinks he’s right so why would he change? He will continue to sabotage your life, put you down, put himself first and he’ll probably do it to your daughter.

Have a look at “growing up with a narcissistic parent” online and see what may be in store for your DD.

You can’t fix things as it’s not you, it’s him. He’s broken.

Thank you for all of your comments.

It wasn’t like this before I became pregnant. I thought I would have a happy life with him. It was when I became pregnant, after three years together, that I gave up my little flat and moved into a house an hour away that he owns partially with his mother. That’s when it all started getting really bad. It crept up on me slowly.

Yes, I’ve stuck around for too long. It’s not an excuse or a reason, but in my life, I have had a lot of trauma. My parents both died before I was 19. My mum was 37, and I had to watch her die in front of me. There are some really awful things that happened to me as a child that I don’t want to get started on. But since having my daughter, these traumas have resurfaced. I am trying to work on them, but I feel very vulnerable; I feel he knows this and is taking advantage.

I’ve had therapy, and now I am in this abusive situation. I do feel very stuck, but I know it’s my decisions and choices that have led me here. I don’t want my daughter to grow up with this. I shield her from as much as I can. I’m not stupid, and I know I can’t protect her from everything. I’m on the waiting list and am due to have a housing meeting. This time, I plan to keep everything to myself.

I am beating myself up and feel really guilty, but I will change our life; I’m making steps to change. I think I have such a clouded judgment on how relationships are because I have never seen a healthy one. I thought mine was for the first few years.

Find your strength and get out as soon as you possibly can, or he’ll destroy the last shreds of your self-esteem. Stay on here, people will support you.
Read back your OP and the replies to remind yourself how dreadful he is. You’ll have to learn not to listen to him trying to talk you into staying, but you can do it.

I'm trying to work out why you're still with him... Please can you explain what DOES make you happy about being with him?

Are you just staying for your daughter's benefit? If so, surely she'd be better with separated parents than seeing her father treat her mother like this?

Oh OP. DOn’t blame yourself. You’ve been dealt a shit hand and have done what you could with it. Hindsight is a great thing and our lives would be different if we had it before we made decisions. You had no way of knowing how things would turn out when you chose your path. Your DP had the option of not being an abusive a-hole, but he hasn’t.

Draw a line and get a plan so you know what you’re going to do to change your future. It’s your turn to be in charge and take control of not just your life, but your daughter’s too. You’ve got this x

Loads of great advice on here, but I just wanted to say that the fact you recognise your daughter needs better in her life, despite the fog this man brings to your head over leaving, means you are a good mum - you can do this, for you and her.
No matter how much a child loves their dad, and wants to be with them, the short term feelings of happiness and love do not outweigh the long term damage and heartbreak done to a child's mind by seeing a relationship like this over years and years. Your daughter shouldn't grow up thinking that this is what love is. You can do this. You want happiness for your daughter, and the way to do that is to model it for her. It's great you are on the housing list. Can you save at all?

@idontknowwhattoputhere why the hell is he not being call ex dp??? for goodness sake, get rid of him!! he is horrible to you and is definitely not a credit to his mother!

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for. He's choosing his actions.

I do think you can harness that guilt in a positive way though. Use it as motivation: you know things aren't right and that you want to make a change. Instead of calling it guilt, can you rename it? Is it a call to action? Whatever rings true for you. Congratulations on getting yourself on the housing list. Agencies like women's aid can give advice about housing and how to leave safely.

I commend your strength and clarity @idontknowwhattoputhere .
It is not easy to leave this variety of man and I wish you a swift and happy exit into a new life 🪷

Couldn't say it better.

Glad I don't have to have anything to do with
a piece of 💩 like this, for fucking eternity.

Good luck.