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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling like a maid

136 replies

Evermoreobsessed · 30/10/2024 11:43

I am at the end of my tether with DP. We have lived together for 6 years. He has always been messy so probably is my own fault. I could see past it initially and then got into the unhealthy dynamic where i ended up doing most of the housework just to have a nicer house (even when we lived in his place). Over the years I have been trying to get him to pull some weight and he will do the odd cleaning job when I tell him specifically what needs done. I'm not bothered about doing the bigger house clean as I like things done my way anyway.
But the things that are starting to bother me are more recent developments. For example he has stopped putting his laundry in the basket just leaves on the floor, will trim his beard and leave hair all over the bathroom after I've just cleaned, leaves food packaging and dishes around the kitchen rather than putting away, and most disgustingly won't even check if he has flushed the toilet properly. It's all making it a huge turn off. I have spoken to him about it with little change and it's embarrassing having to tell a grown man to make sure he's flushed the toilet properly?! I feel he is being disrespectful and acts like there's a maid running after him to the point I'm wondering if I should just tell him it's over if he won't change. What would you do in this situation where you knew he was messy but it's gotten to this point - would you leave?

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 30/10/2024 11:47

If he hasn't changed - well he sort of has as he's got worse - in 6 years what makes you think he'll change now or tomorrow or next week?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/10/2024 11:48

You've tried telling him already and he has not changed much if at all. I would start firming up plans to leave him.

RuffledKestrel · 30/10/2024 11:50

Been there. No amount of promises from him to change and start being considerate stuck.

We are no longer together, for different reasons, but this was a major turn off for me.

If you don't want to leave, then perhaps tell him he either shows he can tidy up after himself over the course of a month, or pays for a weekly cleaner from his own pocket

username2377 · 30/10/2024 11:50

He obviously doesn't respect you.

PickAChew · 30/10/2024 11:51

Well he hasn't changed. He won't get better. You don't mention kids and a man like this is not the man you want to be a father to your kids if you do decide you want them.

Evermoreobsessed · 30/10/2024 11:51

Yes it's the lack of respect that I feel is ruining our relationship and he can't seem to understand why I might find him less attractive nowadays!

OP posts:
Fromage1 · 30/10/2024 11:51

My experience in life is that people rarely change their behaviours. You might get him to improve a bit but there will still be issues all your life. If this isn’t what you want in a man (The toilet issue is disgusting by the way) then it’s time to take stock and decide what to do. If you have kids with him, it is likely to get worse not better.

Rollonsummerplease · 30/10/2024 11:52

He is treating you with contempt OP.
You've spoken to him about it and he doesn't care.
So you either put up with him behaving like a pig - and I realise pigs are actually very intelligent animals so the comparison is an insult to them - or you end the relationship. I know which I'd do.

Londonmummy66 · 30/10/2024 11:53

If you want to salvage the relationship then you need to make it easier for him to do what you want. SO no1 is never wash clothes that are not in the laundry bin. No2 is probably to stop doing things for him like the laundry/cooking/buying stuff he likes etc etc. More nuclear options would be to tell him that his dirty habits have given you the ick so there's no more bedroom shenanigans or to put his beard clippings in his clean socks.....

But I'd just tell him to clean up his act or you're out tbh

Dazzler27 · 30/10/2024 11:55

Hea disrespecting you..bin him off if he doesn't change

Evermoreobsessed · 30/10/2024 11:56

Shoxfordian · 30/10/2024 11:50

He hasn't made any real effort to change, he doesn't respect you

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Thanks relating to all of this!!

OP posts:
Zimunya · 30/10/2024 11:56

I would really encourage you to show him the article @Shoxfordian posted.

clouds83 · 30/10/2024 11:56

Been there too. It's proper disrespectful imho. You are not a maid and a grown man should be fully capable of tidying up after himself. It was this complete lack of respect (along with many other things) that ended our relationship. I was repulsed by him and proper got the ick. At the end of the day, there are only so many chances you can give someone to change....

Evermoreobsessed · 30/10/2024 11:57

Londonmummy66 · 30/10/2024 11:53

If you want to salvage the relationship then you need to make it easier for him to do what you want. SO no1 is never wash clothes that are not in the laundry bin. No2 is probably to stop doing things for him like the laundry/cooking/buying stuff he likes etc etc. More nuclear options would be to tell him that his dirty habits have given you the ick so there's no more bedroom shenanigans or to put his beard clippings in his clean socks.....

But I'd just tell him to clean up his act or you're out tbh

Good idea in theory but I end up just moving it all as it bothers me so much. Beard clippings in his socks are a good idea though

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/10/2024 13:38

If it gets to the stage when he doesn’t flush the toilet then it’s absolute disrespect.
What is life like outside of the home? Does he hold down a job?
If he manages to visit other people’s homes and flush the loo, he can do it at home.
I think it can tip from being lazy and disorganised to this which to me is absolute contempt for someone you are supposed to love.
Sorry for being harsh but I couldn’t live in it. If

Evermoreobsessed · 30/10/2024 14:00

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/10/2024 13:38

If it gets to the stage when he doesn’t flush the toilet then it’s absolute disrespect.
What is life like outside of the home? Does he hold down a job?
If he manages to visit other people’s homes and flush the loo, he can do it at home.
I think it can tip from being lazy and disorganised to this which to me is absolute contempt for someone you are supposed to love.
Sorry for being harsh but I couldn’t live in it. If

I totally agree that's why this is almost the final straw, I have been into the bathroom several times this week where he's not flushed the toilet and I just cannot understand the lack of care. He has a job and friends etc and I'm sure wouldn't do it in other settings but it's as if he doesn't care what I think. It is really wearing me down

OP posts:
DecafDodger · 30/10/2024 14:04

It's not even the dishes by the sink article situation. It's, like one MN in another thread put it, "fuck you, you can do it" situation.
Every time he leaves his clothes on the floor, every time he doesn't flush the toilet, he thinks: Fuck you, Evermoreobsessed, you can do it.

Evermoreobsessed · 30/10/2024 14:09

DecafDodger · 30/10/2024 14:04

It's not even the dishes by the sink article situation. It's, like one MN in another thread put it, "fuck you, you can do it" situation.
Every time he leaves his clothes on the floor, every time he doesn't flush the toilet, he thinks: Fuck you, Evermoreobsessed, you can do it.

That's true and now every time I see these things all I think is "you f*cking pr'ck"! Really don't think I am asking for much for him to pick up behind himself while I do 90% of all the other household stuff! I have been pretty sure I don't want kids but I am starting to realise it's that I am sure I don't want them with someone like this.

OP posts:
Stormyweatheroutthere · 30/10/2024 14:14

Have you got another loo /bathroom? Leave him to his shit literally would be a start. Use the other facilities and tell him why. Start stepping away. Let him see what his life will be soon. Make plans to split.

mathanxiety · 30/10/2024 14:16

Is this what you wanted when the relationship started?

Is this how you expected your life to turn out?

He has completely lost respect for you.

If you have no ties and this is getting you down, I'd make plans to leave. He's not going ro change.

He'll make promises when he realises you're serious, but he won't follow through. He'll just be laughing at how gullible you are.

Rollonsummerplease · 30/10/2024 14:16

It doesn't sound like " lack of care" OP. It sounds a very deliberate act to upset you.

Peoplearebloodyidiots · 30/10/2024 14:22

It is good that you are not contemplating having children with this pathetic-sounding man-child. Sounds like you are on a journey to discover your self-respect, the sooner you get there the better.

PattiSmithsPattis · 30/10/2024 14:25

Do yourself a massive favour and stop wasting your life with this man.
If you live alone, you only clear up after yourself. Resentment 100% gone.

SoporificLettuce · 30/10/2024 14:26

Don’t move all his detritus.
Move yourself out the door and into a life without a disrespectful lazy man expecting you to flush the toilet for him. 🤢

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