Feeling like a maid

[Evermoreobsessed]

I am at the end of my tether with DP. We have lived together for 6 years. He has always been messy so probably is my own fault. I could see past it initially and then got into the unhealthy dynamic where i ended up doing most of the housework just to have a nicer house (even when we lived in his place). Over the years I have been trying to get him to pull some weight and he will do the odd cleaning job when I tell him specifically what needs done. I'm not bothered about doing the bigger house clean as I like things done my way anyway.
But the things that are starting to bother me are more recent developments. For example he has stopped putting his laundry in the basket just leaves on the floor, will trim his beard and leave hair all over the bathroom after I've just cleaned, leaves food packaging and dishes around the kitchen rather than putting away, and most disgustingly won't even check if he has flushed the toilet properly. It's all making it a huge turn off. I have spoken to him about it with little change and it's embarrassing having to tell a grown man to make sure he's flushed the toilet properly?! I feel he is being disrespectful and acts like there's a maid running after him to the point I'm wondering if I should just tell him it's over if he won't change. What would you do in this situation where you knew he was messy but it's gotten to this point - would you leave?

I had similar once. I stopped any clothes washing and did less generally. Everything left on the floor, I threw it into the box room. It got to the point that you could barely open the door and it was a pigsty in there. The house was tidier which suited me. I'm not sure it improved his habits, but I could see signs of frustration when things were 'missing' which gave me a tiny bit of satisfaction. We broke up for other reasons.

I don't honestly know why he's got so bad but I do know that I really can't put up with this contempt or hatred or whatever it is so I need to get some plans in place. He's had chances to change. He also blames me for stuff going missing when I tidy them away nicely rather than in spite 😅 as I mentioned on reflection there's just no way I'd have kids in this environment so it can't continue long term

Whether or not you want children, a good thought experiment is 'would I wish this father on them?'. In this case, no.

Don’t take it personally either op, he wouldn’t be any better for someone else. I used to think if I was Angelina Jolie he wouldn’t dare do this to me. So this is a me thing - I’m not worthy of his efforts and respect.

My exdp then did go out with a beautiful woman and was eventually exactly the same, and I realised that these men are like this with every woman. They have contempt for us. Pure and simple.

Your very low self esteem is never ever ever going to recover in this environment.

Every time you pick up his filthy pants it plummets even further. No amount of therapy can heal that level of disrespect. it can only explore why you are still there doing it.

I got married young. First husband. He did this shit. I was away at work & came back to a shit show.
When I was at home with our kids I was expected to be mum, wife, cleaner, cook, mental load bearer, ironer, laundry maid etc
When he was at home with kids & I was working - they went to park to feed ducks, & swimming & fun days out.

I came back one early morning after a 22 hour duty day to find them all out - curtains closed, bed not made, dirty dishes, no milk for a cuppa and house a riot.
I took his credit card & checked into a local 5 star hotel & said I wouldn't come back until
House was the way I leave it for him.
He thought I was joking. I wasn't
2 days later I returned home.
It never ever ever happened again.

Put your foot firmly down. Wash your own clothes, cook your own food, do your own dishes etc or leave. Do NOT be a bloody mug for any man

Anyone who expects someone else to wipe their shit off a toilet does not respect that person.
I'm
Sorry I'm being so dogmatic but it's a bloody fact .

Is he punishing you for being more successful in your job? - flushing the toilet for him shows him he’s really the top dog.

It's so common for men to start doing even less housework when their wife becomes the main earner or has a senior role. He's putting you in your place, maybe not consciously but that's what it is.

That you've drawn attention to his behaviour and he's still doing it, should tell you everything. He's literally leaving his shit for you to clean up. He has no respect for you.

Don't spend any more time being this man's domestic appliance.

For now I’d leave him to his own laundry; it doesn’t look as if mediation will work as he has so little respect for you. If you want to buy him out then get that underway.
If you’ll need to sell up then beware of him sabotaging the sale - set time aside to thwart him. Just imagine the relief you’ll feel when you’re free of him.

Yeah I think it's clear he does not have any respect for me anymore, it's a continuous trail of tidying up stuff behind him. I feel so resentful after 6 years of it progressively getting worse so I can only imagine how much I'd hate him after another 10 years or so of it. I really don't know why I've put up with it

He is leaving body waste, from beard clippings to shit, for you to clean up after him OP.

No one who has a once of respect for you would do this. These are deliberate acts.

LTB. You deserve better than this.

Then end it? You just keep moaning about how shit it is but have no reason to continue, unless you are doing the martyr thing?

Life is very short and very precious and if you think this is all you deserve from it, then just find a way to live with it. Or end it and find some joy and peace. And I wish you luck, you won’t regret it but it takes action.

Give the poor girl a chance to adjust her ideas. It's a big leap to leave.

There's no rush. Take some time to step back, assess the situation critically, talk to people and take advice.

But ultimately plan to disentangle yourself. And be grateful there are no DC involved. I'm currently helping someone in this situation who's stayed for 30+ years and it's grim.

Haha ok sorry should I have already moved out within 20 hours of posting about it?

No, but surely you know what decision to take now? But, yes - take time if needed. Sometimes it feels better to have made a decision - whether that’s stay and put up, or go. Releases the weight on your shoulders.

Id dump him but first start a conversation with friends in front of him about how they feel about unflushed toilets and dirty scummy beard incrusted basins.

Any redeeming qualities in this man? If not, maybe you should do the same - check out, focus on yourself and things which makes you happy outside of this relationship.

He has no respect for you, no respect for his living space, and no respect for himself even.
Instead of the mos proactive, self reflecting route of trying to improve things and work together, he's lashing out and has started a war with you. You're his enemy.

Tell him that cleaning away his dead hair, picking up his smelly pants and looking at his poo does not arouse you. Ask him what would scupper his arousal if you did it. Like maybe leaving used tampons on the floor beside the toilet, brushing your hair over the chopping board. Talk about what first attracted him to you and why now your desire is slowly dying.

You've nailed it; my dad behaves like this - the more I did for him, the worse he treated me; as if I was beneath him somehow. I took a step back and he's civil to me now. Sometimes the more you do for someone, the less they respect you. I tied myself in knots wondering what I'd done wrong for him to treat me like this, I was there for him all the time after mum died, and he treated me like dirt. Then menopause hit and I just didn't care any more. We're civil now but I won't be putting myself out for him again. It's like I woke up and could suddenly see the shitty ways a lot of men treat women.

Had he been like this from Day 1, you wouldn't have put up with it.

But you are the boiling frog. And, to mix my metaphors, him not flushing the toilet was the straw that broke the camel(you!)'s back. And now you have realised that you want nothing more than to jump out of that pan of heating water.

Don't beat yourself up about putting up with it. He'd have increased the load oh-so-imperceptibly over your six years together. What's important is not the length of time it has taken to get to this point - what is important is what you do NOW.

Thank you. Yes I suppose there is no point beating myself up for staying and it's more important what I do going forward. I did try to bring up the trail of mess he leaves behind him today but he had excuses of being busy at work and wouldn't listen to the fact it takes no time so can see he won't change. Literally takes 2 seconds to put something in the bin etc.

Instead of thinking of this as losing the partner with whom you were planning to build a life, reframe it as getting rid of a deadweight that was holding you back.

And yes, I know it's not that easy........ but focusing on the positive will stand you in good stead.

Hi peeps

i got divorced and my ex was the messiest human being. Post divorce we went to couple therapy and he is fast changing.

we are back together again. Don’t give up hope.

this is worse than a teenager and even some teenagers nor kids won't do that.