Feeling like a maid

[Evermoreobsessed]

I am at the end of my tether with DP. We have lived together for 6 years. He has always been messy so probably is my own fault. I could see past it initially and then got into the unhealthy dynamic where i ended up doing most of the housework just to have a nicer house (even when we lived in his place). Over the years I have been trying to get him to pull some weight and he will do the odd cleaning job when I tell him specifically what needs done. I'm not bothered about doing the bigger house clean as I like things done my way anyway.
But the things that are starting to bother me are more recent developments. For example he has stopped putting his laundry in the basket just leaves on the floor, will trim his beard and leave hair all over the bathroom after I've just cleaned, leaves food packaging and dishes around the kitchen rather than putting away, and most disgustingly won't even check if he has flushed the toilet properly. It's all making it a huge turn off. I have spoken to him about it with little change and it's embarrassing having to tell a grown man to make sure he's flushed the toilet properly?! I feel he is being disrespectful and acts like there's a maid running after him to the point I'm wondering if I should just tell him it's over if he won't change. What would you do in this situation where you knew he was messy but it's gotten to this point - would you leave?

That's awful behaviour on his part, you're right he's treating you like a maid, well actually worse. Leaving beard trimmings and clothes in the floor isn't just being untidy, it's being selfish and shows a complete lack of respect for you and your home.

If you've already spoken to him about it and he's refusing to pull his weight, you either live with it or leave him

He doesn’t care what you think.

The cleaning I kind of get (sort of) but why on earth are you doing his laundry!!??

surely at the very least that should be something he does.

i assume you both work full time?

I reckon tell him it's over. He won't change.

Yes both work full-time and I am few levels more senior with more demanding workload. I honestly don't know why I do his washing, he just started asking if I could wash a few of his things and slowly became me doing it all. I have clearly enabled this by taking more on but never expected it to get to a point that he won't even put a glass in the dishwasher or flush a toilet.

He hates you.

it's embarrassing having to tell a grown man to make sure he's flushed the toilet properly

Is he embarrassed that he left all this for you to admire? Does he at least say he will do better, or just argue that it's not a big deal and 5 years ago, you also left a glass in the sink?

Well I would stop doing his washing from today - and if you find that too hard then it’s time to have a hard think about why you value yourself as little as he does

id keep doing the cleaning to a level that I can live with while I find somewhere to go/kick him out depending on housing situation

and then you can breathe a deep sigh of relief and work on your self esteem in a lovely clean house all by your happy self

So OP if you are hoping to have kids I think you are far, far younger than me.
For some reason I pictured a man much older than age than he is and being belligerent.
You are clearly very bright and capable, you have a fantastic career.
Please get out of this terrible situation.
You deserve better as do your future children.
You have all the resources you need to get out and start again.

I agree. I think it can become abusive.

He's does say he will do better with certain things but when the dishes and rubbish are brought up I'm reminded of that time I left the gardening equipment at my backside etc and reminded of all the other things he does! (Ie cutes the grass a handful of times a year)... You can probably hear the resentment in my post!

Don't waste anymore time on him.

I firmly believe everyone has their own "setting" for cleanliness (or not) that never really changes. I've been there and it doesn't get better, sorry.

Does he mow and garden every day? No so tell him to grow up or ship out....I'm wondering if he resents your job being better than his? His clothes would go in the bin bag.

Go on strike. It's the only way.

I think it’s beyond that.
What are your housing arrangements, @Evermoreobsessed ?
renting? own house? whose name etc?

Compare the cost of getting someone to mow the lawn to a cleaner and laundry service.

well - to yourself - he’s a lost cause and doesn’t deserve five more minutes of your energy

I think you would benefit from therapy, OP (as almost of all of us would for various reasons). Why have you run after him so long? Why do you do his laundry? Why have you put up with his disgusting behaviours for so long?

There might be reasons from your childhood, work pressures, guilt, or maybe some sort of internalised sexism where you feel you have to "make up" for the fact that you're more successful than he is.

It would be worth exploring your motivations with the help of an outside perspective. Ultimately, the only behaviour you can control is your own.

His behaviour just sounds completely disrespectful to you as a person, no wonder you're thoroughly pissed off. I would be too if someone disrespected me in this way, he sounds awful. Why do you put up with it? He's not gonna change and doesn't matter now anyway as the damage is done really.

Not sure it would be a good idea getting into all that atm, maybe later but for now just get rid of the disrespectful, useless sod.

I would pack a bag, leave a note that I was sick of his disgusting habits and go to a hotel for a long and indulgent weekend, and enjoy some spa treatments and turn off my phone. Make sure you pay so he can’t see where you are and all trackers are off.

This level of disrespect needs serious intervention if there is any hope of saving the relationship.

When you feel like it after a few days respite from his shitty behaviour - then you can reply and call a meeting. Print out a list of everything that has to change permanently and immediately and demand that he changes or you will file for divorce.

He needs a nuclear rocket 🚀 up his backside and some. You might find it’s enough, but if it isn’t then you have your answer.

@Evermoreobsessed
Buy a second laundry basket and just do your own.

Or play the weaponised incompetence game back, shrink his clothes when you do wash them everytime. He will soon get fed up of having to buy new clothes.
Mines beard trimmings went on his pillow, he didn't like that at all.

I feel like you are enabling it to an extent. Me and my partner have our own bedrooms which helps a lot. I do sometimes leave clothes on the floor when I’m knackered, and so does he in his room. But we each have our own laundry baskets and do our own laundry and we both clean our own stuff up if it’s gotten messy. Similarly with dishes, at times it’s my turn to wash up and I don’t, I leave it till the next morning as I just cba. My bf doesn’t mind this and he doesn’t step in and do it for me. I then sort it in the morning. It seems like you are kind of choosing to do everything but then feeling resentful about it. With my bf I purposefully don’t do things like buy all the replacement toothpaste and toilet roll, or even mention it. He does the weekly shopping so I leave him to notice and stay on top of things. Your bf is clearly useless but you do also seem to be driving some of these patterns by doing everything for him. You need to allocate tasks that he is fully responsible for, end to end, and then not step in to do them for him.

When a woman does nice things like cook and clean, wash his clothes for him they don't sit back and think,

" Gee, she sure is nice to me, what a lovely partner I have, I should show them how grateful I am. "

They instead seem to think that if a woman does those things for him then he somehow deserves it and therefore he must be so much more amazing and better than you so they take it for granted and even lose respect for you.

No children on the scene so you can fuck him off ASAP and make sure you don't entertain a similar man again.

I agree with everything @TomatoSandwiches says, particularly the bit about taking you for granted and losing respect for you.