Message telling me, my partner is cheating!

[Loopy2020]

Last Thursday I received a request on FB messenger, from nobody I recognised. I accepted and the message popped up saying “your boyfriend is cheating on you, just like he did Don, nothing changes with that one”
has anyone else had something similar? Trying to make sense of it!
partner denies it and tbh, I’ve never questioned his loyalty! Just can’t shake the feeling what if…???
help!

Addicts are not the same as cheats, that’s a huge misconception, sex addicts sure. Addiction comes in many forms whether it be drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food, etc.

someone who is an addict can also be someone that has very strong morals and discernment with sex. Someone who is an addict can be someone that has had two sexual partners and would only sleep with someone they are in love with, so to make the leap that because he was an addict he is also promiscuous is absolute bollocks.

I also think Annie could have something to do with this, but equally it could be a new woman he’s dumped who has just decided to follow his exes. Honestly we don’t know if this is real or some nasty troublemaker, but usually with things like this, there is something to be concerned about.

As I said, I work in ED. On a night shift replying to you on my lunch!

Addicts have the capability to lie like no one else.

It would be different if you knew him before then but you didn't. You'll always worry when he's out without you what he's up to.

It's rare for someone to get over an addiction completely. He also could become co dependent on you.

We are only looking out for you. Put yourself first. Did little six year old you think she would end up with an addict? Is that was she deserves? I don't think so.

Fuck, some of these replies regarding addiction are completely out of order. I do hope anyone bashing recovering addicts and implying they aren't worthy of having a loving relationship ever again don't have friends or family members that find themselves addicted to something.

OP said messenger not friend request.

It's a scam if that was genuine they would be giving you names and explaining more in detail. Try not to let it bother you, it's hard especially if you have been cheated on before. It will bring up feelings of betrayal just acknowledge it and distract your brain.

I'm a little confused maybe I've read this thread wrong so excuse my previous reply. The message you received do you know this person, does he/she have any connections to your DH?

@Loopy2020 yep I know the cross addiction aspect well.

Just to clarify, he was an active addict, and you say he hurt a lot of people and that you don’t think he was not a ‘good partner’? Did he cheat on the two previous girlfriends (Don and Annie)? Has he owned that? Is there any truth in that aspect of the message?

Sorry,
so account that messages me is unknown to him or me (probably fake, male name) the message mentioned one ex and the account fake or not was following a second ex. Does that make sense ? Thanks

Don said it was amicable (what DP told me) he did cheat on most partners in active addiction, and told me that at the beginning and yes that was concerning but he’s been clean and sober for 7 years. Thanks for response

what if it’s something going on for them right now? I don’t know like an anniversary (for them) maybe they saw my FB profile pic (us as a happy smiling couple) maybe they saw him and how well he looks now?!

My best guess is that it's someone he was connected to when he was in addiction, who is still in addiction themselves and has a burning resentment that your DP has turned their life around whilst they have not.

I am also in recovery and have seen this attitude a lot, sadly. Sometimes those people do find recovery (and realise they've acted like a twat) - sometimes they sadly don't.

I am one of the most cynical people on here regarding cheating but if your man is actively working the program and is a decent, honest partner of 5 years then I would file this under the "strange but nothing to worry about" heading.

I would take a relationship with a person working a good committed AA programme over your average bloke anyday.

People can be become not only better versions of themselves through active recovery but better versions of themselves than they’d have been if they didn’t have the guiding principles of AA.

AA teaches honesty, accountability and acceptance. People in AA still fuck up at life without it being relapses of addiction. Just being a selfish dickhead or causing an argument and being pigheaded etc and they almost always OWN IT fairly quickly, reflect deeply on how they’ve behaved, make amends and work a bit harder on themselves. They have a whole squad around them setting them straight, calling out dickish behaviour not just agreeing and fluffing their ego.

However, not every in AA is well, or is working a proper honest programme. These people are unpredictable and dangerous (and often highly manipulative, weaponising the fact they are in recovery to avoid accountability at home/in outside life, as if just getting their arse on a chair for a few hours a week = changed person. It doesn’t)

It could be possible someone with issues in AA has taken against your partner. It happens when people are still very ill and full of twisted ego. Your partner will likely have shared things about his past and current life thinking that’s a safe space. This person could have taken these bits of info, the fact he wasn’t a good partner to his exs etc, then used his social media to work out who you are and grabbed a big old shit stirring stick and messaged you something inflammatory. Like I say not all who are in AA are well and some are still very sick and absolute shit shows of behaviours, even without a drink in their hand.

I’d ask him to think if there’s anyone in the rooms with him who feels off, or seems to not like him, or he’s pulled up on shit behaviour and might have left someone wanting to take him down a peg or two. Because I honestly don’t think it’s an unimaginable situation, that’s where this bullshit is coming from.

so he cheated in his past relationships but you don’t see that as something intrinsically wrong with his moral bar, attitudes, and desires, but as a part of whatever it was he was addicted to back then? I think that’s very naive.

A good friend from AA has stopped talking to him! Hadn’t thought of that? Oh god!
thank you for your response and yes I had a 16 year marriage to someone not in recovery and he was just awful! My partner works the programme fully. Thanks again

I totally get what you’re saying but when you’re in addictive addiction nothing matters to you except getting your wants and needs met.
But recovery teaches addicts so much about themselves and how to be honesty and accountable.
i work in this field and have learnt a lot about addiction and relationships. Thanks though for your reply

If you have the phone number search it on Facebook. If it is her it will bring up both the fake account and her actual account. Then you'll know.

No phone number can only call on messenger app

In sex addiction sure, was he a sex addict? Because addiction to substances/ alcohol etc doesn’t radically change someone’s value system in terms of making them a cheat.

The fact that he cheated in past relationships, says a lot

No he was addicted to drugs and alcohol, I get what you’re saying. When you’re off your head on drugs or alcohol you take part in risky behaviour. Also if things get hard in a relationship addicts just run.

what kind of addicts take part in risky behaviour and run when relationships get hard, massive generalisation. Many people are addicted to many different things. A lot of stereotypes being thrown out. Better phrased that people who indulge in risky behaviours will do that regardless of alcohol for example but more likely to engage in it when drinking, people don’t change their value system. He was a cheat, and likely still is, alcohol or no alcohol

I also think this is a v good suggestion. Someone who knows about his past because he’s shared it (in confidence). Though, of course, it could be someone who’s heard him confess to recent infidelity.

I agree with the PP who said there’s not a lot you can do if the person who messaged won’t reply. It also makes it more likely they’re shit-stirring. A person who genuinely wanted to warn you wouldn’t behave like that. If you have a v good relationship with your DP and he’s a good partner to you and clearly working hard on himself, then don’t let this eat away at you or derail your relationship. Good relationships are so hard to find. And I agree with some others that (IME) men in recovery can be much kinder and more self-aware/reflective/capable of growth than the average bloke.

If it were me, I’d be alert, so as not to be taken for a fool. But not let it become all-consuming or lose your faith in him. Which is basically what we should all be like in relationships anyway.

I don’t think you can say that a person that was genuine wouldn’t do things this way. A lot actually would, they would want to do the right thing, but remain anonymous, whether that’s a woman he’s cheated with who has either had a fit of conscience, or been scorned, or whether it’s someone else who knows him, that thinks you should know, but doesn’t want to be a part of the fallout. Judging by the tone of the message it sounds more like someone who knows him. You are correct that it could all just be someone being nasty, not sure what their motive would be though, and there’s very few who would stoop to that level of lying about someone in that way and potentially destroying their entire life.

Fair point. It could be someone not wanting the fallout. That’s why I originally thought it could be a sex worker. Possibly who does it to fund their own addiction and that’s how they’ve known him for years. They’d lose out if it stopped, but may still have a conscience about it.

But someone from a recovery group could be messed up enough to have a nasty motive, especially if he’s challenged them on their own behaviour or they’re jealous of his success.

It’s all possible for sure. I’m just not sure how OP plans to proceed with this. If I was her I would lay a trap. I’d message the person from a fake account pretending to be the husband asking them to back off from my wife, and leave her out of it, and then see what they come up with

Update for you all I kicked him out on 20th Dec! Entire switch up in the way he was treating me! His sponsor thinks he may be in emotional relapse! He forced me to end it so I did! I went no contact and blocked him on everything! Almost 5 year relationship over with no real closure! Onwards I go! Thanks for all your comments and support