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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Message telling me, my partner is cheating!

127 replies

Loopy2020 · 29/10/2024 15:10

Last Thursday I received a request on FB messenger, from nobody I recognised. I accepted and the message popped up saying “your boyfriend is cheating on you, just like he did Don, nothing changes with that one”
has anyone else had something similar? Trying to make sense of it!
partner denies it and tbh, I’ve never questioned his loyalty! Just can’t shake the feeling what if…???
help!

OP posts:
EdithBond · 30/10/2024 08:27

So, to recap.

  1. You received a message from an account in a man’s name that has no friends or posts and is only following two people: Don and Annie (two exes of your DP). So, apparently, an account set up to message women he’s linked to.
  2. The message said he’s cheating on you, as he did to Don.
  3. You’ve messaged Don, who replied to say she was nothing to do with the message and didn’t know he cheated on her (their split was 10 years ago and amicable). Plus, hasn’t seen or heard from him for years.
  4. You’ve messaged Annie, who hasn’t replied.
  5. You’ve asked the person who messaged for more details, upon which they blocked you.
  6. You’ve asked your ex, who’s been a recovering addict for 7 years but may have upset people/cheated while an addict. He denies he’s cheating on you and was happy to immediately show you his phone. He can’t think why anyone would message.

Possible explanations:

A. It’s a man who knows he’s cheated. Does your BF do anything regularly going back years, where men are around and may have overheard him talking? Gym, football, other sport, pub? Does he have close friends going back to his time with Don, who he may have told about cheating? This could be them warning you? Or maybe a friend of his friend?

B. It’s a woman who knows he’s cheated. The man’s name on the account was a smokescreen. Possibly the OW, who he’s returned to. Or a sex worker he sees. Or someone connected to Don (sister, friend?) who knew he cheated on her (but didn’t tell her before they split) and has now become aware he’s cheating on you (saw him with an OW?). Hotel receptionist?

C. It’s an old associate making it up to cause trouble. But why do this years later? And why follow his exes as well as message you? Jealousy at his recovery? Because he owes them (former drug) money? To extort money from him to shut them up?

D. It’s a random stalker/scammer, who’s figured out online who he’s had relationships with.

Don’t want to worry you, but I’d suggest B is most likely. Seems like the behaviour of a woman (following the exes) who genuinely wants to warn you. There must be a trigger, e.g. he’s recently upset them (ended it) or they’ve recently become aware he’s cheating.

I’d start being more conscious of your BF’s behaviour. How did he respond when you told him? Overly dismissive? Genuinely upset and concerned someone’s stirring up trouble? Wanting to assure you he’s not cheating? Could he have a second phone? Has he behaved unusually lately? Or changed his usual habits (work patterns etc)?

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 08:27

BabyCloud · 29/10/2024 23:52

In all seriousness I would block any ex’s and make sure my privacy settings are tight so random people can’t send requests. It’s likely to be someone bored and trying to stir shit when they see others doing well.

That’s what I’m hoping the outcome will be thank you and yes I may delete my social media.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 08:34

MixedCouple2 · 30/10/2024 01:54

Go back to them and ask them for BF name and age and job.
Also ask your BF who dom/don is.

I did ask and they just blocked me with no reply and now unblocked me, I even tried calling them and no answer thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 09:10

BabyCloud · 29/10/2024 23:48

Sometimes it’s the other woman coming on here asking if they should expose their affair once they’ve been scorned themselves 😆😆

Show quote history

I would expose someone, but I’d not hide behind a fake account (unless I was the cheat) which I’ve never done btw

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 09:15

MarkingBad · 30/10/2024 00:42

Last year I received a phone call from a woman who started to call me names in a really sinister way and saying I was having an affair with her husband. It was pretty vile stuff and I demanded to know what she was on about.

I wasn't having a relationship and certainly no affair with anyone. Someone was stirring or she had the wrong number, I didn't know who she or her husband was nor who would give her my number but she knew my first name but then it is pretty common name for women my age.

Some people really hate that people can drag themselves out of the mire and find a better life. And you are absolutely right that addiction can happen to anyone, it takes tons of hard work to get out of it. And yes it does leave a mess behind it. You have to make a choice every time to not do the thing you were addicted to for the rest of your life. That's a serious challenge and the most surprising people deal with that all day every day. Sorry got a bit of a bee in my bonnet over that.

I hope the best that can be will be for your both.

Edited

Yes you’re spot on, thank you.
he has hurt many people and has admitted that to me including his parents, ex partners and friends, but he’s working the programme and making his amends working through the 12 steps every day.

OP posts:
Jessie1259 · 30/10/2024 10:14

Is it possible he's bi and cheating on partners with men? Just a thought as it was a man's name that messaged you and said he'd done it before with previous girlfriend who didn't seem to know either. Quite possibly way off the mark though.

It's really horrible of someone to message like this and then block you so you're left in limbo. A really nasty thing to do.

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 11:01

Jessie1259 · 30/10/2024 10:14

Is it possible he's bi and cheating on partners with men? Just a thought as it was a man's name that messaged you and said he'd done it before with previous girlfriend who didn't seem to know either. Quite possibly way off the mark though.

It's really horrible of someone to message like this and then block you so you're left in limbo. A really nasty thing to do.

I’m quite sure not!
do we ever really know someone? Is 100% trust possible?
they have unblocked me now but didn’t answer my call?!
thanks for your reply

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 30/10/2024 13:09

Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 09:15

Yes you’re spot on, thank you.
he has hurt many people and has admitted that to me including his parents, ex partners and friends, but he’s working the programme and making his amends working through the 12 steps every day.

Show quote history

Stripping away all the doubts this has set in your mind what has actually happened?

A person decided to hide behind a fake name that they knew you wouldn't recognise.

They then said something but crucially nothing outright, nor something you can easily confirm about an ex partner from over 10 years ago. A ex partner who confirms your partners story about an amicable split.

This person then refused to answer your questions and even went so far as to block you, then to create a extra level of doubt decided to unblock you.

Your partner handed over his phone when you asked, did he make a fuss about it? Did you find anything unusual?

The person who is most messing you about right now is the unknown one and yet they have managed to make you doubt someone you have known for 5 years. Do they know your past hurts and how to twist the knife in for you?

Anyone with decency and real principles would have confronted your partner about cheating and asked him to confess to you before telling you, in plain sight and full knowledge told you if he refused. If he has done something. Instead they created a poison pen letter situation with you, not outright saying anything but just enough to cause harm, creating doubt to hurt you and ruin your relationship with your partner for reasons you will probably never know. Hardly the act of a sound mind or someone with principles is it.

Like you I would be guarded now, it would be only natural but as much as it could be something your partner has or hasn't done at any one point, it could equally be about hurting you in a really unpleasant way.

When we receive messages from the kinds of nasty vile mind that create poisoned pens, it doesn't have to be true or have anything to do with anyones past. It just has to mention a past event or person and designed to create maximum doubt and unhappiness for their own personal thrill. It's just about hurting people for twisted and no good reasons.

2Sensitive · 30/10/2024 16:06

If it were me, I'd do a bit of digging before I mentioned it.
Is them then that you need something more to go on ....

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 16:26

MarkingBad · 30/10/2024 13:09

Stripping away all the doubts this has set in your mind what has actually happened?

A person decided to hide behind a fake name that they knew you wouldn't recognise.

They then said something but crucially nothing outright, nor something you can easily confirm about an ex partner from over 10 years ago. A ex partner who confirms your partners story about an amicable split.

This person then refused to answer your questions and even went so far as to block you, then to create a extra level of doubt decided to unblock you.

Your partner handed over his phone when you asked, did he make a fuss about it? Did you find anything unusual?

The person who is most messing you about right now is the unknown one and yet they have managed to make you doubt someone you have known for 5 years. Do they know your past hurts and how to twist the knife in for you?

Anyone with decency and real principles would have confronted your partner about cheating and asked him to confess to you before telling you, in plain sight and full knowledge told you if he refused. If he has done something. Instead they created a poison pen letter situation with you, not outright saying anything but just enough to cause harm, creating doubt to hurt you and ruin your relationship with your partner for reasons you will probably never know. Hardly the act of a sound mind or someone with principles is it.

Like you I would be guarded now, it would be only natural but as much as it could be something your partner has or hasn't done at any one point, it could equally be about hurting you in a really unpleasant way.

When we receive messages from the kinds of nasty vile mind that create poisoned pens, it doesn't have to be true or have anything to do with anyones past. It just has to mention a past event or person and designed to create maximum doubt and unhappiness for their own personal thrill. It's just about hurting people for twisted and no good reasons.

Edited
Show quote history

Thanks so much for your response.
i have never had any red flags or gut feelings he’s cheated or cheating so I guess that should be enough

OP posts:
Deebee90 · 30/10/2024 16:34

Sorry but I’d be believing it. The only 2 times I’ve heard of it happen and one was to me was genuine. Both times the people were cheating .

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 16:54

Deebee90 · 30/10/2024 16:34

Sorry but I’d be believing it. The only 2 times I’ve heard of it happen and one was to me was genuine. Both times the people were cheating .

Edited

It’s happened to me once before and it was true then

OP posts:
greentwirl · 30/10/2024 17:18

This happened to someone I know; she presumed it was malicious as she’d been with her DH for over 20 years with no reason to doubt him but it turned out to be true.

MarkingBad · 30/10/2024 18:20

Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 16:26

Thanks so much for your response.
i have never had any red flags or gut feelings he’s cheated or cheating so I guess that should be enough

Show quote history

Sorry that my post gave you the impression that you should just trust your partner 100% on gut instinct. It's not quite what I meant, I wasn't very clear for which I apologise. What I meant was why is this mysterious messenger any more trusthworthy than your partner of 5 years?

Now that doubt has entered your relationship you will need an answer otherwise it will eat away at you especialy as it has happened to you previously. Would your DP be willing to go to couples therapy to work through this do you think?

Someone from outside your relationship snuck a growing seed of doubt into you for whatever reason but it is certainly not because they are your friend or are trustworthy. A friend or well wisher would just tell you what they know.

H112 · 30/10/2024 19:00

Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 00:23

I’m guessing you don’t know much about addiction or recovery? But thanks for your input.
addiction can happen to any of us and usually always has an underlying cause (often trauma) people do not choose that life.

Show quote history

I'm a physician lol. Good luck being with an addict who lies to you!

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 20:28

H112 · 30/10/2024 19:00

I'm a physician lol. Good luck being with an addict who lies to you!

Show quote history

I’m sure you are! Lol 🙄
he has never lied to me in his 7 years of sobriety.
thanks for your input Dr

OP posts:
Scrollbreadroll · 30/10/2024 20:48

@Loopy2020 its clearly not a scam with them knowing the ex’s name. There’s also no smoke without fire so something has happened to instigate this message. In every single scenario I know of someone getting a message like this it’s always turned out to be true or have an element of truth. Unfortunately this person doesn’t seem to want to tell you anymore and your partner is never going to admit anything. So all this person has done is plant a seed but not give you any evidence which is really unfair. Have you asked your partner if they know this person who has messaged you?

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 21:07

Scrollbreadroll · 30/10/2024 20:48

@Loopy2020 its clearly not a scam with them knowing the ex’s name. There’s also no smoke without fire so something has happened to instigate this message. In every single scenario I know of someone getting a message like this it’s always turned out to be true or have an element of truth. Unfortunately this person doesn’t seem to want to tell you anymore and your partner is never going to admit anything. So all this person has done is plant a seed but not give you any evidence which is really unfair. Have you asked your partner if they know this person who has messaged you?

Hey,
yes I have asked him he does not know the name, obviously admitted to knowing Annie and Don, (I knew about them too)
I’m just hoping people he wronged in the past are jealous he’s doing so well I dunno!
thanks for your response

OP posts:
category12 · 30/10/2024 21:23

Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 20:28

I’m sure you are! Lol 🙄
he has never lied to me in his 7 years of sobriety.
thanks for your input Dr

Show quote history

Umm, you can't say really that - it's more like as far as you know he has never lied to you.

The whole point of lying is the other person doesn't know about it.
And addicts often become pretty expert.

I'm not saying he is lying or cheating 'though - just you can't really know.

Scrollbreadroll · 30/10/2024 21:32

@Loopy2020 it could be someone who is being malicious but logically, why now if he’s been doing well for the last 7 years? If the person who messaged has now unblocked you I would send them one last message and if they still aren’t willing to give you any more info, there’s not much else you can do.

Balloonhearts · 30/10/2024 21:39

My first instinct says it's Annie. False account and followed herself. Not answering your message. Is there a phone number or email address linked to the account?

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 22:27

Balloonhearts · 30/10/2024 21:39

My first instinct says it's Annie. False account and followed herself. Not answering your message. Is there a phone number or email address linked to the account?

I have called the account but no email I have also called and messaged Annie but no answer.
thanks for your response

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 22:28

category12 · 30/10/2024 21:23

Umm, you can't say really that - it's more like as far as you know he has never lied to you.

The whole point of lying is the other person doesn't know about it.
And addicts often become pretty expert.

I'm not saying he is lying or cheating 'though - just you can't really know.

Show quote history

Yes maybe that’s how I
should have worded it, and yes I’m full at aware of what a liar is! Thanks tho!

OP posts:
H112 · 30/10/2024 22:35

Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 20:28

I’m sure you are! Lol 🙄
he has never lied to me in his 7 years of sobriety.
thanks for your input Dr

Show quote history

SpR in ED. Maybe look up what addicts are capable of. Yes some recover but you don't get involved with one this deep in.

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 30/10/2024 22:57

H112 · 30/10/2024 22:35

SpR in ED. Maybe look up what addicts are capable of. Yes some recover but you don't get involved with one this deep in.

Show quote history

What does that mean “this deep in?”
So you’re saying no addicts can have healthy relationships?
I’m fully aware of “what’s addicts are capable of” in active addiction but recovery is a very different thing, they actively work a programme every single day.

I still feel you have little
understanding of this subject, Dr or not.

OP posts: