Should my boyfriend stay in with me?

[tallulahbriant]

I have recently started going out with a lovely man, he’s 30.

I have some exams coming up and he’s invited me to a birthday, I accepted the invite but said I wouldn’t be able to stay long as I have the exams the week after. Do you think he should leave with me or I should leave when I need to? My first thought is that he’s invited me so we should leave together.

i would most definitely leave when he wanted to if I had invited him along.

thoughts - and in general on the topic - should your boyfriend stay in with you if you can’t go out?

"Love does not consist in gazing inward at one another but out together in the same direction."
A saying I like.

You are two individuals, not 'one'. You may operate as a couple in certain circumstances and as seperate entities in others.

His friends, his social occasion, his party invite.
Your exams, your schedule, your conflict of interests.

There's nothing wrong with going home early if you want to. He isn't obliged to.

What's he point in him leaving with you because you have exams soon? Is he essential to you studying?

Tbh id probably bow out and tell him to enjoy himself if you think you might get the hump.

But two people in a relationship don't become 'one'.
I mean, I know that term gets used metaphorically - 'two become one' etc - but it isn't true literally. What you describe sounds suffocating and tedious and unrealistic to me! And presumably he won't be sat around with you in silence whilst you study or having to go to bed early the night before your exams just because you're going to bed early. You wouldn't expect that right?
One of my male relatives is in a relationship with someone who seems to expect him to be a bit like this. If she's stressed and staying up all night to do an essay, he has to stay up all night with her (regardless of needing to be up for work for his own stressful job). If she wants to party all night he has to do it with her; if she wants to stay in he has to give up his own plans. To me it goes beyond appreciating tender gestures of solidarity and becomes basically controlling and awful on her part.
I also think it's worrying your partner wouldn't want to go to a wedding he was invited to just because you couldn't come. Depends on how close he is to the person who invited him, I guess, but still... I couldn't afford to give everyone at my wedding a plus 1 and if a load of my mates had therefore refused to turn up, I'd have felt pretty hurt.

Your not one

Your two different people

How long have you been together?

Going through stuff? - You are studying for exams

Partners are not "one". They are both individual people. You sound too needy and intense. Of course he should stay out and honestly id run a mile from you. Are you really young?

Dh being there for me when I am hectic at work means he suggests making dinner or brings me a cup of tea. Not that he sits holding my hand while I do the work. You have a skewed view and if you don’t get more realistic you will lose the good ones and inadvertently become a controlling abuser to the ones with weaker boundaries.

Personally I’d say to him ‘go out and have a great time, I’ll stay in revising’ and use the chance of an evening in peace.

But you won’t, will you?

No you are an adult I presume so I would leave when I wanted too

I don’t agree with the 🚩🚩

For some couples, if they go somewhere, they leave together too.
Looking back, I’ve always done that with dh and so have my friends. To start with, we all arrive as a couple in one car anyway!
Im actually racking my brain to think of events when 2 partners arrive together but leaved at different times. But then it might be my experience and other people’s will be different.

This doesn’t mean you can never do things on your own or that one must stay or leave with the other!

@tallulahbriant tbh there is no such rule as ‘partners arrive and leave together’.
You need to do what’s working for both of you. And this might vary from one day to the next.

eg you might usually arrive and leave together.
But as you have some exams and lets say you’re going out with his friends he hasn’t seen fir a while, this time you both organise yourself so that he can stay longer if he wants and you can go back home when you want.
Just have a chat with your DP. Explain you want to leave early ish (whatever that means for you) due to exams. And ask him what he’d like to do.

Not sure what you are sacrificing? Sounds like you are or planning to play martyr and seek sympathy or brownie points from your partner. Just because two people are in a relationship does not mean they lose their individuality, independence, and privacy. I have always told my bf to stay out and have fun, if I didn't want to and he has said the same to me.

I've been with my partner over 20 years and we are definitely not one ffs. We are individuals with our own lives and friends.

For him to say he'd decline a wedding invitation because his new girlfriend isn't invited is weird.

Chill ffs and just enjoy spending time together.

Aye, but you say you've only recently started dating, so he's not a partner yet. If you lived together, might be different. Staying in with you, depends what that means - cooking together or takeaway with a bottle of wine, OK for a night. Sitting in your home while you work would be really odd.
How often do you see each other? I'd say twice a week is enough at an early stage, being in each others pockets is unhealthy.

I love spending time with my husband.
I would not expect him to come home with me if I needed to leave early.

You should let him stay out and enjoy himself unless it's very difficult or unsafe for you to travel home alone, in that case don't go at all.

There is no reason he shouldnt stay at the party. Totally understand you wishing to leave early, but he isnt taking the exam you are.

You dont become ‘one’ in a relationship you are still two people. If you want to be in a healthy relationship you must still maintain your own lives!

I think you have to think about whether you are ready for a relationship.

Go to the party; let him walk you to your car when you’re leaving.

He's turning down his friends wedding invite because you've not been invited ?

you've only recently started seeing each other too.

" Leave together because you are one" 🤮 😂

Nope. He invited you to an event/ party. If you can't stay the length of time the invited guest wants to, then don't go, or leave early yourself. It's selfish and rude to expect him to cut the night short. If that's your expectation then you should have declined. Why should he have to sit in quietly doing sod all whole you study?

'You're one' 😱😂🤦‍♀️

Dear lord what century are you from OP...and how old are you??

This has to be a wind up? 🤦‍♀️

And I'd also start seriously looking at your (both of you) level of codependency in a new relationship. Him turning down a wedding and you 'being one' sounds like a mental health disaster on both sides.

Just a word of warning...

That he said he would turn down an invite to a friend's wedding if you weren't invited is a red flag. Seems sweet and romantic but it isn't. The relationship is very new, why on earth would he say this? Personally I'd think, 'eughhh' and back right off.

1. It's a lie.

or

1. He's extremely intense and needful.
2. He's also a crap friend.
3. He'll expect you to turn down invites too.

Fuck that.

Wow! Massive red flag alert!
Being joined at the hip and thinking you need to be "one" is not a sign of a healthy relationship!
You need to always maintain your individual interests and friendships and be able to give eachother space!
This is a new relationship, of course he should go to a wedding without you.

So he should quietly sit in the next room to keep you company while you study rather than stay at the party? That’s extremely needy and unfair. Why should he suffer because you have exams? You’re not a child, but you need to do some growing up.