Should my boyfriend stay in with me?

[tallulahbriant]

I have recently started going out with a lovely man, he’s 30.

I have some exams coming up and he’s invited me to a birthday, I accepted the invite but said I wouldn’t be able to stay long as I have the exams the week after. Do you think he should leave with me or I should leave when I need to? My first thought is that he’s invited me so we should leave together.

i would most definitely leave when he wanted to if I had invited him along.

thoughts - and in general on the topic - should your boyfriend stay in with you if you can’t go out?

Sorry OP but this is ridiculous. You sound about 15 not a grown mature adult with their own life.

And with respect you said it’s a new relationship - you’re not a partnership, you’re dating.

You are coming across clingy and needy. I would say if you put this in AIBU you’d get a pretty overwhelming yes you are vote.

And asking him not to go to a wedding you’re not invited to is controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Let the poor bloke breath ffs. You’re giving out red flags here - he needs to beware

No , it is not what you do in healthy partnerships. It's what happens in parasitic "partnerships"!.

Plenty of times invitations may for whatever reason be for the person who is known. Not able nor willing to engage socially independently is a huge red flag.

Partnerships should be about wanting to be together never about not able to function without. Because that means someone has lost or never had their individual maturity obtained.

I wouldn't say you're a partnership yet - that speaks of commitment and longevity.

It's a new relationship so you're just dating. No reason why he should leave party when you need to.

There should be some kind of red flag 🚩 on those kind of threads so we don't waste our time responding

Got tbh the style is looking rather familiar (as well as the rather obsessive behaviour)

No see you to a taxi maybe but not leave unless he wants to.
Definitely not stay home with you what's he supposed to do sit quietly while you revise? Don't you have evenings apart and friends etc?

What stuff are you going through bereavement, cancer treatment or just an exam?

A couple are not "one", they're 2 separate independent human beings.

Me and DH do plenty of stuff separately, if he was invited to something without me I'd want him to go.

Have you had many previous relationships?

You are not in a partnership. You've just started dating someone and are only just getting to know each other. That is all.

He is spending time with his friends and family, and has invited you along, as a guest, in his life. If you can't go, or you have to leave after a short time, that's fine. But you cannot expect him to abandon his family and friends, all of whom he has known for far longer than he has known you, and who are far more important to him than you are.

It's a really odd thing for you to expect as normal, and a giant red flag for him.

(An aside, but is it just me, or are there more and more of these threads where a woman reads far more into a dating situation than exists in reality? A few dates is not commitment, or marriage, or lifelong intimacy. Does no one bother discovering what genuinely exists between two people anymore? On MN, posters seem to write a romantic fantasy in their head, cast the nearest random guy in it, then wonder why he's not playing his part correctly!)

Are you both 12?

If you have exams the next week, is it imperative you leave early? What are you genuinely going to get done if you leave the party at 10pm compared to midnight? I’d stay with the boyfriend. I could understand if you had exams the next morning but the next week??

Definitely seems a theme lately where someone they’ve had half a dozen dates with is referred to as ‘my partner’

Seriously I’ve had stuff in my fridge longer than most of these ‘relationships’

I wouldn't expect him to leave with me.
I wouldn't expect my husband of 26 years to blow off a party he wants to be at because I need to get home early, never mind a boyfriend.

Tbh I'd probably just say go without me, have fun, rather than go for an hour or so and bugger off.

Well, she says he’s 30, so I hope she’s a fellow-adult.., Doesn’t sound like it, admittedly.

I'm getting really bad vibes from this poster.

I wonder if she's mates with the I AM HIS WIFE poster.

I just thought that’s what people do in partnerships- leave together because they’re one.

What for, though? Does being “one” have to be as literal as constantly in one another’s company?

I’m guessing (hoping) you don’t live together as it’s a relatively new relationship. So why would it matter if one of you left earlier than the other? Surely if it’s because of your exam, you either want to study when you get home or want an early night so that you won’t be hungover the next day and can study then. Why would you need your boyfriend with you to do any of that? As a PP said, it actually makes more sense if he’s not there.

It's what tends to happen, but usually because both want to leave at the same time, or because it's more convenient.

In a situation like the one you've mentioned, most couples would leave separately.

I find your wedding example odd as well. Why would he not go just because you're not invited, when you've only been going out for a few months.

For a 3 month relationship it wouldn't be expected for the new person to be invited.

Just no!
It's deeply unhealthy to think you can't socialise separately.
And you're not 'going through something ' , you're studying for exams.
And as others have said, you're not one! You're both independent people. I'd find it smothering to never do things without my partner.
You've a very unhealthy view of relationships.

'Leave together because you are one' made me feel a bit ill. That is a very unhealthy view of a relationship and will leave you endlessly resentful and unhappy unless your boyfriend is a total sappy doormat.

Just reiterating what others have said.
You said in your first sentence "I have recently started going out with a lovely man, he’s 30." Note recently started going out.

So he's not your partner. He's a fairly new boyfriend.

However dh and I have been together around 35 years, so is very much my life partner, but if I needed to do something on a Saturday night, then he would still go to his friend's party, and go with my blessing. Same as would happen the other way round.

What is odd, to me, is the idea you would both go to a party, then you would leave early and come home and start revising. I mean, that would be odd in my world, where parties tend to finish this side of midnight, but, presuming you are similar age to my dc, they don't even go to the party until quite late in the evening. Surely the logical thing would be to study during the day / early evening, then switch off and go to the party ?

Or

If you are really going to be revising late on a Saturday night, tell him you can't go and for him to go alone.

I just thought that’s what people do in partnerships- leave together because they’re one.

Oh deary, deary me. I have many friends who have been together decades. None of them would ever say anything as vomit inducing as that. Everyone I know is an individual, however long they have been in a relationship.

As some other posts have said, if you became ill during the evening or whatever, that would be different, but that isn't that scenario.

No I would expect him to stay at the party and you leave when you wish
Presumably it is a friend/ relative of his party, why should he leave?
You don't need him to watch you study!
New relationship or long marriage, you're not joined at the hip

A partnership isn't about being one. It's about 2 individuals that enjoy doing things together but also independently.

He shouldn't have to miss out on more of his friends/families birthday because you need to leave early. And yes, he is 100% allowed out even if you're not able to, what a strange way of thinking.

Wow

You are waving all the 🚩🚩🚩🚩 here

and he even said yesterday because I wasn’t invited to a wedding he wouldn’t go

Why not ?
Surely you wouldn't expect to be invited to a wedding, as a new gf ?
Invitations lists are usually drawn up at least a year ahead of time, but often quite a bit longer. Not many couples are going to be inviting new gfs to their weddings.