Leaving a good man for more excitement?

[Featherkin]

Been with my partner now for many years, I love him and I think this could just be my age, menopause looming and the sense that my options are really limiting now but I keep having this fantasy of moving out, getting my own place and dating and falling in love again. I never used online dating as it didn’t exist last time I was single and I always thought it looked so much fun and exciting.

But then perhaps it’s just stupid as I’d be poorer, I do love my partner and I’m sure someone else’ would have him snapped up if I left and I have read women and men get these mad yearnings at this age due to hormones and life stage and that it is best just to ride it out if you have a basically good relationship.

Anyone else felt like this, what did you do?

Ride it out for now. Peri menopause and shifting hormones can cause confusion and a sense of being unsettled in life. Better to make life changing decisions in a few years time. How old are you?

Just read any of the OLD threads on here. Not sure excitement is the overarching feeling most get!
If you want to leave do that, you don't need a reason, but don't do it for this fantasy of dating.
Embrace single life if he's not for you.

What else is happening in your life?
I feel similar in that DD will be grown soon and leaving home in the next 5 years, I'm a single parent and other than the cats the world is my oyster (or at least the UK as don't have an EU passport).

Can you add excitement in other ways
Book a solo trip activity or cultural holiday.
Take up an old hobby you enjoyed.
-Parachute jump

There are worse things in life than having a good man to grow old with.

I think people get yearnings and fantasies at every stage of life. That's one of the reasons so many people go off and have affairs . And then realise they have made a stupid mistake and blown up their own and other people's life for something absolutely meaningless.
Seems like you have a good partner. You say you love him. It would be sensible to keep a reality check and don't get carried away with your fantasies and hurt him and yourself.

I am 46, and kids are both out of the house, it’s nice but I feel like I just want more out of life right now. I think it is perimenopause and perhaps the fact I think DP is Still in a post lockdown fug.

On line dating is really very very horrible trust me!
Could you and your partner make things exciting together? Plan something amazing like a dream trip? Or do a house swap to a different country for a few months? Discover a new hobby together.

Really good men aren't easy to find. Hold onto him and build the excitement together:)

I'm in the exact same situation. If I leave, it will be to ve alone. H is basically a good man but dull and set in his ways, I feel like I've settled if that makes sense, and just want more for myself. I'm sick of compromising. Will being a bit poorer but in control make me happier?

@Heybearu yeah I do keep thinking that, I would be a year or two down the line and regretting leaving and DP would already have someone else for sure, he already has admirers. I’m being stupid, I just want a bit of a do over or something.

I think talk to your DP about your feelings in general, your want to live a more adventurous life. If he's not up for it that's fine, you can do it on your own for a while. Join a class, take a trip, generally get out more, whatever you have the time and money for.

If you end up doing it on your own you may change as a person and feel the need to leave, but at least then you will be sure.

Are you mad?

as PPs have said, just read the OLD threads on here. It’s awful in your 40’s.

you are craving being in your 20’s again. That has gone now and you can’t go back. I get that. I’m a similar age.

If it’s romance you are after, better to try and reignite the flames with your partner.

If you are really sick of being married then you could leave, but only if you want to live alone/ be single and independent.

you might meet someone, but also a meteor may hit planet earth in the next 5 years! Its possible, but there’s not a great choice out there and you need to be lucky ( I’m saying that as someone who met a lovely guy)

I was married to a good steady working man when I was 40 , when I reached 52 I was screaming silently . He was like an old man of 70 , slept the minute he had eaten his tea and went to bed at 10pm . Before marriage he promised we would travel and he showed interest in me. He watched tv when not working in between snoring . I tried to talk with him , I tried to introduce him to new things , we went to the cinema and he fell asleep ! I loved him but I was dying inside . I wanted more from life with him , but he didn't. He told me to " sort myself out " he said he was happy. Eventually I ended the marriage , it broke my heart but he wasn't interested in saving it . It's many years on now , I have lived alone ever since . I'm glad I didn't stay because I have " lived" more on my own . Had I stayed I think I would have become an old unhappy lady before my time . I wish you all the best whatever you choose from life .

P.S. I never really found happiness, but life was / is different

You are stuck in a rut OP.

Bringing trauma into your life (which divorce does most of the time) doesn't seem a good substitute to me.

Get out and do something new. Try something new once a month (or week whatever fits). Hopefully your dh will also agree to this.

As for falling in love again. That sounds like a fairly tale to me. Im 53 and been single for 10 years now. There is no simply "falling in love" again. Dating at our age is quite horrendous in all honesty. I have since chosen to remain single.

Don't be daft. I hear from my single friends what dating is like nowadays. Theres no prince out there waiting for you

There are other ways of getting more out of life - letting your partner down and touting yourself around is not the only option!

Ask yourself this - is life meant to be exciting or are their deeper and more important things?

I did leave at your age. Not for the fantasy of online dating but because I realised that I wanted so much more than he did. He had basically retired, popped on his slippers and sat down by the fire to read the paper and complain about the neighbours. I wanted to travel, build a house and have a life.
once I left him I realised that there was a lot more wrong with the relationship than I thought. It was the best thing I could have done and the only regret I have is that I didn’t leave him sooner.
I have to say that the dating pool is horrendous. Definitely wouldn’t leave if that’s what you are after 😂

Thanks everyone, I think Im just in a funny place actually. We’ve had quite a few elderly family members become ill and pass away in the past couple of years which has ended up meaning we feel like we can’t make plans and so it’s been about 4 or 5 years since we had a decent holiday, going out seems so expensive now and I used to do evening classes once or twice a year which was a fun way to meet new people but everything round here now seems to be online these days.

I do have this fantasy of falling in love again and I wouldn’t mind if it was with my DP to be honest. It does sound like the fantasy that there are loads of nice men out there waiting to date me is a bit of a delusion!

Dumping your perfectly nice DP seems a bit of a drastic way to inject some excitement into your life OP. I'm a similar age and I can sympathise with the mundane aspects of midlife, but I think I'd look at other ways to make your life more interesting first.

You say your DP is still in a post lockdown 'fug'. What does that mean? Is he reluctant to go out and do things, has he become a bit boring? If so, talk to him, tell him that you feel that your life has become a bit dull and that you want to go back to doing whatever it was that you did pre-pandemic that you both enjoyed. Or suggest something different - a weekly/monthly date night, a regular trip to the cinema, a concert, inviting some friends round, inviting people to go out to a restaurant, booking a holiday, training for something together. It's easy to get into a rut of not doing anything new, but it's really important as a couple to have a life together that isn't just sitting around at home.

If you were to end it, I would do it on the assumption I would be going it alone.

The men on online dating are single for a reason, it's very unlikely you are going to find a knight in shining armour that sweeps you off your feet.

I think your first move should be increasing your social life again, you might have to look further a field but there will be various things available. Ever fancied learning to glass blow? Engrave stone? Even a crochet and natter at a pub. Look out for quiz nights and similar to get you out and about. Book yourself a holiday through Gutsy Girls or similar

I think it's insane to leave someone you love for a little excitement with online dating. Have you not read all the negative posts about the type men that are available? I feel sorry for your partner. Maybe you should set him free so he can find someone who truly appreciates him.

Leave your partner because he deserves better.

Online dating is not fun or exciting, most of the time it’s a nightmare. You’re very naive to believe it’s going to be a thrilling experience.

I keep having this fantasy of moving out, getting my own place
Why is that such a great fantasy? What do think you’ll be able to that is really exciting but you can’t do now?
I know you say your dh is still stuck in ‘lockdown mode’. I think a lot if people are doing that - staying at home more than they use to. But it doesn’t mean you can’t do stuff yourself. If you want to go to a festival, do so! Your dh doesn’t have to be there. Try a new sport, meeting new people ? Same
Sometimes, it feels like changing the outside environment around us (like living in your own vs married) is necessary so we can change the things we want to change. I do pnt think it’s the case. But rather we are stuck in habits and can’t find the courage(?) or strength to change them.

and dating and falling in love again
Maybe a weird question. But if you love your partner, why do you feel the need to ‘fall in love again’? Are you somehow hoping you’ll find someone you’ll be even more in love with?
Be careful not to compare love and infatuation/hormone rush from a new relationship. The last one might look more attractive and stronger. But it doesn’t last and isn’t love.

I'm feeling similar. Mid 40s but don't feel "in love" with DH. Don't enjoy it when he touches me etc. He's a decent person but I feel like I want to be in love, to enjoy the touch of someone. I find my mind continuous thinking about someone I know and what it would be like to be with her.... Which of course poses another question too....

A quick spin through the OLD threads on here will cure your fantasy.

I'm single and happy to be so, but my bestie has dipped her toe into OLD several times and her reports are grim. Most seem to be self-centred misogynists with severe porn addictions looking for someone to cook/clean/look after them, presumably from where their exes left off. On the rare occasion when they ended up in bed, there was a failure to perform (porn addiction).

She's given up in disgust and is thinking of getting a dog instead.

If there is nothing actually wrong and you are just craving excitement, you might just need to work out how to get that without blowing both your lives up. It's easy to settle into a routine and stagnate. Find your va-va-voom!

Make some effort with your partner and your own social life. If you feel the same in 6 months then leave.

Another way to look at it is do you feel you'd have a queue of suitors wanting your sole attention so that you could pick the most exiting one for you to both run off into the sunset together?