Leaving a good man for more excitement?

[Featherkin]

Been with my partner now for many years, I love him and I think this could just be my age, menopause looming and the sense that my options are really limiting now but I keep having this fantasy of moving out, getting my own place and dating and falling in love again. I never used online dating as it didn’t exist last time I was single and I always thought it looked so much fun and exciting.

But then perhaps it’s just stupid as I’d be poorer, I do love my partner and I’m sure someone else’ would have him snapped up if I left and I have read women and men get these mad yearnings at this age due to hormones and life stage and that it is best just to ride it out if you have a basically good relationship.

Anyone else felt like this, what did you do?

A good blast of the pina colada song should remind the OP to act her age.

I think what you're feeling is quite normal and probably pretty common. I've felt similar, though I'm older than you, but at a similar life stage in that my children are now young adults and I have much more time to myself and, critically, time to think.

I've found myself thinking I slept-walked through the past 20 years at times, even wondering why I thought marrying him was a good idea 30 years ago - realising I can't exactly remember how we were then, just knowing it DID seem right back then.

I'm coming out of it now. I've focused more on hobbies and friendships - picked up on some I'd let slip and forged some newer ones. Realised that no one knows me as well as my DH and vice versa, that we have been through a lot together and I'm proud of that, that we never run out of things to say to each other. We've started going out together again, just the two of us - days out, weekends away, theatre, lunches, galleries. Those things have made me realise we can still have positive times together - not just sharing chores and responsibilities as we have mainly been doing.

In my dreams I'd love an exciting new romance but I know it is not remotely likely in reality.

It's not just a bad idea it's a terrible idea OP.

You have a husband that loves you, bet he's up for a bit of excitement as well.

We are a bit older than you both, with teens not adults and yes I guess you could say day to day life is boring and stressful right now.

Still guiding kids towards adulthood. Bereavements and older relatives, plus our own longevity to consider.

But by god dating the 50s-ish online lot is not the answer. I occasionally read some of the hilarious and beautifully written dating horror stories on here and one where a first date man got so cross, threw a shoe at a swan and it landed in a lake still has me howling. So if that is the sort of dreadful excitement you are going for then fill ya boots. Being whisked off to Lake Garda to share wine with a successful silver fox who just hasn't met the one and had been waiting for a woman like you to enter his sphere, it is not!

Write a fantasy novel like Jilly Cooper (guess who's been watching Rivals) you never know it might be a hit, get all your fantasy out another way.

Walking back to a car, after a mediocre drink you had to pay for yourself with an angry reject of a man now with one wet sock is not worth blowing up a 20/30 year relationship with someone who puffs a little because you point out you watch(ignore) plenty of live sport so it's Rivals evening, but still makes you a tea/pours a wine, rubs your feet, with great sex on tap, pays when you go out because he does notice everything you do, puts thousands in a pension so you will both have choices when he retires early, loves your kids as much as you do, attempts to be a grumpy old man but gets nowhere because you point out you are ignoring him now and I can absolutely say would never throw a shoe at a swan in anger.

Sounds like you have already navigated so much together already, working out how to navigate how to inject a bit of excitement or even a bigger change for the coming years together should be a piece of piss.

God I read about OLD and my blood runs cold, I think you're naively picturing yourself in your own romcom or SATC episode but the reality would be very different.

The men on online dating are VILE ask any friend your age using the dating apps!

I would try couples counselling and all sort of stuff first before leaving in your position.
If you do leave your nice guy I'll go out with him!

I used to feel like this a bit, have always loved DH and not actively wanted to leave him, but kept daydreaming I suppose about starting to date again. Not anyone in particular, just that feeling of the first throes of love are quite unique and when you're fortunate enough to be in a long relationship it can feel like it's been ages!

I did a few things:

Suggested to DH we do some date nights, we make an effort to go out at least once a month to try something different; it made a big difference tbh, as I say we were always in love and happy, but it improved our marriage as we were just more aware that investing time with just eachother doing date like stuff was beneficial.

Had a think about what I was actually missing; for me I was lonely. Beyond DH I'd drifted from a lot of my friends- I realised that intiial connection and 'adventure' I was seeking didn't have to come from a man in a relationship context. I joined a local sports team and made more of an effort to make friends. I now have a lovely group and we do all sorts of stuff, it's definitely addressed those aspects of life I was missing.

Could you plan a big holiday? A proper change of scene and fall in love with a new country/culture/cocktail.

@frozendaisy Being whisked off to Lake Garda to share wine with a successful silver fox who just hasn't met the one and had been waiting for a woman like you to enter his sphere, it is not!

I so wish it was

It’s more like a flabby pasty faced man living in his sisters spare bedroom pinging out sexual innuendos to women then getting the hump because they’re not desperate to get into his stained boxers.

A few months of OLD and I’d rather stay single forever

I've seen lots of horror stories about online dating on Mumsnet, but it has worked for me and some other people in real life. Surely it must work out for some women as well as some men? I've heard that there are far more men than women on the apps. So, say an area had 2000 men and 1000 women, even if only 20% of the men were "good prospects" then that would still be 400 women who found a good match. And hopefully more than 20% of men are good prospects for someone even if not for everyone? (But maybe my maths is wrong in here somewhere.)

I've got some lovely male friends who have tried Internet dating so I think this thread is a bit harsh tbh. They're late 40s early 50s and single for a variety of reasons. But generally nice men.

Gettin' tired of ma fella
I need a good time in bed
But my fella's all pudgy
And he chills in his shed.

I deserve something better
Coz I'm smoking, hot gold
I haven't aged since twenty
But my husband's just old

If you love pina coladas...

So I ditched my old fella
And I signed up to Hinge
But when I scrolled through the profiles
On my big horny binge...

I knew the curves of their stomachs
I knew that they weren't delish
The men were just like my fella
But with a gigantic fish

If you like pina coladas..

@AbsolutelyFemale I agree with you, there are some ok men in OLD, I've even been on dates with a few although none were for me. It's just to get to them is unbelievably hard work and they are outnumbered by not-ok ones a lot of the time. Also, the ok men do not stay on the apps very long because they are snapped up, that happened to a good male friend of mine, he was on about 3 months and out again with the new love of his life, this is not the case with a lot of middle-aged women, so they are still fishing in the pool of men that you can't really shift...

I’d love to know where they are because after 3 months on OLD I’ve not found one yet

It sounds like you don’t really want to leave him. It sounds like you know you have a good thing and you just want to have some excitement before it’s too late.

Maybe you could find someone to have some extra fun with? Either on your own or as a couple. That would give you the excitement you want and it would certainly be a lot easier than looking for someone to have a full on relationship with.

Have you read the midlife dating stories written by Stacey Duguid in the Times and Telegraph? I suggest you do before taking any action!

😂

This sums up online dating as far as I’m concerned.

lots of attractive women and awful men.

Don't. You will regret it.

But be honest, would you shag any of them if you found yourself sudden single?

I’ve just realised- none of my male friends are single.

Yeah I’m convinced this is what drove the women my ex cheated with. She was a couple years older than you and she left a lifestyle her husband provided her that only the top 1 percent will ever experience and broke up her family with four kids for my ex who was half her age and I think they both regret it now..

I can imagine as a woman you know your young years are going to be behind you soon and you feel perhaps you didn’t live enough and what you have with your partner is comfortable but no longer exciting.

I suggest going to sex clubs with your husband. Or new holiday or adventure. Run a marathon. Anything but ending a relationship you know is good for the rush of someone new. That feeling won’t last and I think the older you get in terms of dating the pool is more umm stagnant and left with the people who you would understand how they are single haha sure there will be the odd few that are great catches but they will most likely date younger. I’m 31 and dating and guys in their 40s reach out the most. Can you say you are objectively really attractive? Because that’s what the apps are based on. You would very likely be writing a post on here in a few months asking what’s the best apps as not getting the response you hoped for . Not to be too pessimistic..

Do you work, op? Can you change jobs or go for a promotion/sideways move/fresh challenge? Or take a sabbatical? 6 weeks in Australia/Vietnam/cycling down the west coast of America/wherever floats your boat would give you something to plan for, allow you to meet new friends, give your DH chance to miss you, and for you to come back with a new sense of self/ more to talk about / ideas for your next trip with or without DH . . .

I’m surprised you’re so blasé about your husband - “I’m sure he’ll be snapped up quickly”.

You don’t think being forced out of your shared home, no longer seeing the kids regularly and being devastated thinking “what on Earth did I do wrong” - because at the end of the day, there isn’t anything fundamentally wrong - you just want to feel like a teenager falling in love again might not also have an impact?

In silence is maturity. Take a moment to really feel into what you need and want. This situation may be usual for people your age, but what does that truth mean for you? What do you want? What do you dream about beyond the “normal” things that people typically want? Your feelings may be justified and they can be settled with a pat on the back with you telling yourself, “it’s OK, but don’t mess up your life for a fantasy”. But this is not what you want. Otherwise you wouldn’t be asking about it. It’s important for you to question what you truly desire, beyond the surface of a living situation and dating. Do you feel unconditionally loved? Do you yearn for wonder and exhilaration? Are you missing out on important life experiences that you are not allowing yourself to have in your current partnership? (I've intutively answered this for you because going beyond the mind is what I do!

These answers will guide you to understand whether you can get what you really want and need in this relationship. And you will also find out if all of your desires and needs are already met. If so, you can change things in your relationship easily to satisfy some of the experiences people may get from being single.

But if you leave for the single-life experiences that you think you’ll have, you run the risk of not actually having them. You may not give yourself the space to do what it takes to make it happen, if you’re not ok with feeling lonely, dealing with a lot of bad dates, or patient with the time it may take for you to have the living comforts you’re expecting to have right away. You may not get what you’re looking for right away. You can be patient and get it all eventually as you work hard towards what you want. Or you can do the inside work to make it happen much more easily. But it may not happen right now.

Instead, you can be still so that you may realize what you’re looking for can be found right where you are, now.

@Notquitegrownup2 I don't disagree- however I've not met that many blokes who are actually that opened minded enough in real life, who wouldn't go into a big paddy if you wanted to do this without them- a ton of them make a stupendous fuss if you fancy so much as a few nights/week away with a friend - regardless of if you have kids at home or not- I realise some mumsnetters are lucky enough to have ones who don't- but a great many have ones who expect to be able to go on stage nights galore but kick up a huge fuss if wife actually wants to do anything 'on their own steam'

I am similar to you OP in wanting to split from DP but in my case I was never in love with him (but I could never quite bring myself to split up with a good man) and we have sex extremely rarely. Never having been in love is absolutely killing me at the moment. Such a waste of my life. Even I am considering staying because what we have is decent enough. In your shoes I would definitely stay.