Leaving a good man for more excitement?

[Featherkin]

Been with my partner now for many years, I love him and I think this could just be my age, menopause looming and the sense that my options are really limiting now but I keep having this fantasy of moving out, getting my own place and dating and falling in love again. I never used online dating as it didn’t exist last time I was single and I always thought it looked so much fun and exciting.

But then perhaps it’s just stupid as I’d be poorer, I do love my partner and I’m sure someone else’ would have him snapped up if I left and I have read women and men get these mad yearnings at this age due to hormones and life stage and that it is best just to ride it out if you have a basically good relationship.

Anyone else felt like this, what did you do?

@Featherkin I agree with this poster. We all have times in our lives when we feel a bit unsatisfied/restless. Especially at times when we move into a different phase of our lives. Peri-menopause/menopause is one, retiring from work is another. Even having children, because it changes your lifestyle and the early years are hard for many.

Rather than ditch a good man, who you love, for a fantasy of finding someone else and having a great time on the dating scene ( which just won't happen, if you read all the posts on here about the creeps that people come across). Find things to do that you enjoy, pursue interests.

As another poster said ''Be careful not to compare love and infatuation/hormone rush from a new relationship. The last one might look more attractive and stronger. But it doesn’t last and isn’t love'' If your DH doesn't want to go out and do things much any more, go and do them yourself?

Well I did find an amazing man on OLD and I am very happy. However my exH left me after having an affair and he was very toxic so it's different. I was lucky on OLD, I was only on it for 2 months before finding my fiancé. And even in that time came across some hideous people! It sounds like you have a good man, you and he should work on that. If you are bored he may be as well. Try to grow together rather than apart, the grass is defo not greener! Have you tried counselling?

Why don't you re-frame this? You have a long term DH and you're both in a rut. Your kids have moved out and you want more excitement. Try dating each other again! Do fun things in the evenings you'd otherwise never do. Take up a hobby together. Do something wild!

It sounds like your life has become smaller and it's not necessarily a new partner you want but just something to do/people to meet. Before making any drastic decisions why not start small - find community groups, find free date nights - museums sometimes have free nights, picnic in park etc. Plan a cheap night away - off peak nights in holiday inns are so cheap, find one and just go and enjoy a night away from home and a new town to visit.

Single for 5 years, sporadic use of OLD and this is absolutely true 😂

sex pests, misogyny, emotionally unavailable men and those with zero communication skills are however plentiful! 😂

Exact same age and feel a bit like this but my best friend is my age and OLD and it’s Nasty nasty nasty

so I suck up my boring life (I’d say it’s an anxious time in Peri - it’s sad but the best things are worth waiting for and maybe sitting this stage out is going to work out)

Please give your head a wobble!! You'll ride this out and a good man isn't easy to find. Honestly. If you have one, communicate your needs and stay.

Add excitement in other ways. The grass is honestly not greener on the other side.

Take a 2 month holiday on your own or with some friends, away from your husband. A break like this without is being a “break” could help.

I felt like this when I was depressed, it all manifested against my husband, like he was boring, I didn't remember falling in love with him. I wanted more excitement and passion etc. but I was just in a bad place mentally and my brain latched onto my husband as the problem. I snapped out of it immediately my depression lifted and I have actually gone through the thought process with a clear head and have had those kind of fantasies, but I know that they're just that and that the reality would be totally different. I look at other peoples partners who are perfectly nice but all have 'deal breakers' or reasons I would not want to be with them and it reminds me why I'm happy with my husband.
The reports I get from friends who OLD are so grim, I honestly think I might just stay single if anything happened between my husband and I anyway

@Featherkin you need to separate mentally your DH and life feeling a bit meh generally.start building up your life things that don't involve him- yes a new romance can add oomph but 5 years down the line and you may well feel the same again - if you have let friendships or hobbies lapse look to those first and then see how you feel in 2 years- I find that it's easier to get bogged down in feeling dissatisfied relationship wise when co dependency has crept in and you have little outside of the relationship

I never used online dating as it didn’t exist last time I was single and I always thought it looked so much fun and exciting

It's really, really not. The likely outcome is that your DP will be snapped up in no time and you'll be left wading through shit options.

It's normal to start feeling hnsettled as menopause approches but I'd explore ways to add excitement to your current life before blieing what you have chasing an unlikely dream. Best of luck!

If you think that going out and going on holiday is expensive when you are in a couple try doing it when you single? OLD is hardwork and even when you do meet someone the expectations are very much a bill split of 50/50.

Divorce is hard too as is splitting up your home. Leave your partner if you need to but don't do it because you think that chasing some OLD dream is an amazing prospect.

I think it’s a no going by this thread 🤣🤣🤣

better stick with what you have

imagine someone dating your perfectly boring dp would that be ok with you?

I online dated as a size 6 blonde gym going 30 year old.
Men do line up but it was still hell. They treat you like they are better when they have nothing to offer or nothing going for them, they’ll be overweight and balding and act like they are a special catch. There’s men close to 50 on there saying they want kids ‘one day’. It’s laughable and exactly why more women than ever are moving away from it and enjoying being on their own.

Last time I looked they all looked liked it was their local mugshot for the court section of the local news page anyway.

Last time I looked they all looked liked it was their local mugshot for the court section of the local news page anyway

I laughed way too much at this. As it is just so bloody accurate.
😂

If you're in your forties op...(I am too) Then you probably have fond memories of dating. I do. Nice men who'd chat you up and be pleased that you'd agreed to go on a date with them....who'd buy you dinner and attempt to impress you in some way with their personality. Try to be charming in some way at least. I hear it's very different now. I know absolutely loads of gorgeous successful women in their early thirties who can't seem to meet a decent man. I'm also afraid to tell you that men in their late forties will be quite unlikely to date a woman of their own age...they'll be looking at women 10-15 years younger than themselves. So as a woman in her forties you'll be having to look at me in their late fifties at least

Book a lovely holiday with your husband instead.

I'm in my early 30s. Online dating is bloody awful but I love living on my own (with kids). Kids dad was abusive so this is so much better. Dating at my age is so much harder then dating in my 20s. I don't thing it should be romanticised, most of the men in their 40s seem to have a lot of unresolved trauma, be the cause of many woman's trauma or he looking for childcare for their young kids

What is the excitement you want? Can you create it with your partner? Whenever I've felt that my relationship was stale and my partner was boring was because I wasn't really making any effort. I was expecting more from my partner than I was from myself. Could you have more date nights? Go on holiday? Start a hobby together? Have you made an effort and he says no? You say he's in post covid funk? Is this something he might need help with?

If your dh is still in a post covid fug, perhaps he needs help?

I would look to find excitement in other ways if you love the guy but are bored or restless.

Take up skydiving or something 😂

If it's about not feeling sexy or interesting to your partner, perhaps look at relationship counselling.

I think you need to look at what’s missing in your relationship, it sounds like it could be the fun? I wouldn’t describe online dating as fun, a lot of odd types that their wives possibly didn’t want, hard to find the decent ones. Needle in a haystack scenario. However I was unhappily married and now I’m free, happy and have a lovely guy in my life. Who knows what will happen in the future but I won’t online date again!

There are some wise words on this thread. Be very clear what you want that's different to what you have before you take any action.

Living with someone who suffocates you with their lack of get up and go is horrendous and actually you're better off single. But if you leave your H it had better be because you want to be single because he's preventing you from being your best self and not because you're hoping for a better match. That might never happen.

We all go through phases like this. Seeking the adrenaline rush is one reason I ride motorcycles and do a lot of sports, as well as having done fairly dangerous jobs in the past. But I've learned that fulfilment comes from within, not without.

Some people might class my DH as boring. He's certainly way more sedate than me. However, what other people see as boring i see as calm and consistent, which I really value. He's never going to be quite as adventurous as me (although we do like to travel together) but he is secure enough to let me do my own thing, so it works.

You need to talk to your DH and find some activities you can do for yourself and together.

I hope you find the things that bring back some spark for you both, sounds like you've had a tough time. You likely would have hundreds of likes on online dating, but the bast majority of these guys I've found are single for a very good reason. Some of these reasons include having loads of kids they never see or pay for, being cock lodgers or fuck boys, prob addiction or violent sex addiction (guys who only want anal or masturbation), addiction, very stuck sad lonely men who are looking for a saviour to fix thier life, domestic abusers, gambling debts, being long term unemployed, having recently come out of prison, etc etc etc it definitely definitely is not the treasure trove that our minds can sell it to us as. The love of one good man is worth so so much more. I understand the lure though. .before I'd experienced it I thought it would be exciting.

I do hope you find lovely exciting things that make you both nappy again though x

A good man is hard to find. Surely you know that. Stick with the lovely man you are married to and find excitement elsewhere in your life as well as making an effort to put it back into your marriage.

Make a list of things you've always wanted to do/see/achieve and start doing/seeing/achieving them. That will create excitement. And you'll be buzzing with happiness and energy, which will be very attractive and intriguing to him. Suggest your DH does the same. When he comes home full of energy and showing a new side to himself because he's started doing some interesting things, you might well find him a lot sexier. He'll be revitalised and that is attractive.

Start behaving more romantically with your partner too. Put in the kind of behaviour you'd like to receive from this mythical mew man. And read some of the OLD posts here - all about middle aged fat men expecting women to be under thirty, size eight, wealthy and aching to nurse them in their dotage while they pick their yellow teeth and fart into the sofa..

Yes, I can relate @Featherkin.
I love my DH but there's no romance and hasn't been for many years. I very much miss the heady days of seduction, being desired, heartstopping passion, and that someone "sees" me, not the role of housewife/mum/colleague. With DH, I was the one driving the passion in many ways, then when we had our children that went on the back burner due to being permanently knackered. Now I get a "d'you fancy it?" as the light goes off, like it's another job to cross off the list.

I'm menopausal and I also think it's my hormones' last gasp as feel it's all downhill from here. I look at my elderly and ill parents and think this is where I'm heading.

I think therefore it's a part of me that just wants to break out from my daily life and all the stresses that come with it, but I don't think it's any better out there. I just stick to reading romance novels and fantasising instead.

If you were in a bad situation, OP, I’d say go for it, unequivocally. But it just sounds like you’re bored and in a happy-but-dull relationship, so FGS don’t act on those feelings! I know a lot of people who did and they’ve all found themselves infinitely worse off in the long run.

It’s extremely common for both men and women to try for a last throw of the dice at this age because of life stage (impending old age, seeing more death and illness and loved ones declining around you), plus peri hormones are an absolute bugger for giving you teenage brain fug and the raging horn.

The feeling of running out of time is a great provocation to go crazy in a last ditch attempt to cling onto youth and freedom, but you risk losing so much more - cohesive family relationships, financial security and potentially companionship, as there’s no guarantee you’ll find anyone else (or certainly anyone better). Plus OLD is brutal, an absolute zoo, and it’s much more transactional than it is romantic.

Trust me, it’ll pass and you’ll be glad you stuck with Steady Eddie. As per the suggestions here, try to inject excitement and forward momentum into your life and relationship in other ways, and to rekindle a connection with your DH so you can talk about the kind of future you imagine for yourselves and what you both want out of the next 5-10 years. He may be equally in the mid-life doldrums but just experiencing it very differently.