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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving a good man for more excitement?

125 replies

Featherkin · 28/10/2024 10:05

Been with my partner now for many years, I love him and I think this could just be my age, menopause looming and the sense that my options are really limiting now but I keep having this fantasy of moving out, getting my own place and dating and falling in love again. I never used online dating as it didn’t exist last time I was single and I always thought it looked so much fun and exciting.

But then perhaps it’s just stupid as I’d be poorer, I do love my partner and I’m sure someone else’ would have him snapped up if I left and I have read women and men get these mad yearnings at this age due to hormones and life stage and that it is best just to ride it out if you have a basically good relationship.

Anyone else felt like this, what did you do?

OP posts:
BetterInColour · 28/10/2024 19:22

You have a pretty decent sex life, love him and want to swap that in for OLD? OP, you clearly have never been single in your fifties!

It sounds like your husband is a bit depressed and you are having an existential crisis. These two things can be tackled separately- does he need to see the GP or just to have this pointed out so he can find his own coping mechanisms (exercise, seeing friends, come out of it in time)?

You are having the same crisis as most of my women friends, and me, which is that we suddenly realise the clock is ticking and we would kind of like to be 20 and do silly things again and just live for the day.

Things that have helped me and my friends have been variously to recommit to work or change job/take a Masters/train to do the job you always wanted, this has been surprisingly successful for lots of us as many of us took our foot off the pedal during the childrearing years and there's quite a lot more still to do.

I would also try to reconnect with what you used to love when you were younger, your tastes will have changed, but if you loved 80's music, why not find a friend and go to an 80's night, or the cinema and then chat over dinner afterwards?

I find dressing with a 'hint' of my old self works for me, I've given myself a make-over in the past four years (since 50) and that includes better teeth, weight-loss and new clothes. It's not over yet unless you want it to be.

I agree with going out a couple of times with your husband and getting the conversation started about where you see the next decade going- this will tell you whether to book holidays for yourselves, even just cheap weekends the two of you in the UK if you can't do abroad, or set out alone to make your life more what you want it to be and hope he comes along for the ride.

Watch Shirley Valentine.

ohreallythatisveryinteresting · 28/10/2024 19:30

Ok well then yes you’d be mad. Your poor DH ! I would stop thinking about yourself and try giving him attention and affection, doing things that he likes, that might cheer you both up.

have have a read in the OLD threads !

EmmsyS · 28/10/2024 20:26

Dating in your 40’s is definitely no fantasy.
I don’t doubt you will have no trouble finding sex, but it will be just that, sex. Finding a relationship will be much harder and any romance will be very limited.
I think the reality of being poorer, alone and just being used by lots of men will hit very hard, very quickly.

You can either:
Leave your marriage (knowing that you are unlikely to end up with things as good as they are now).
Have an affair or fling (knowing that you risk wrecking your marriage if you get caught).
Try to stir things up with your husband and add spice that way (The best and safer option but getting your head in the right place may be difficult).

You said that your sex life is decent. Do you and your husband ever talk about your fantasies? Could you try to live out your fantasy with your husband? Maybe a weekend away where you can pretend you're meeting for the first time?

EllaPaella · 28/10/2024 20:29

OP I agree with everyone who has suggested you talk to your partner and maybe find new hobbies together, have date nights etc. But you also sound bored - and that's not entitely up to your partner to solve (I don't mean that in an unkind way). Perimenopause and a new stage of life is going to make you reevaluate yourself and what you want out of life. Do you have a large network of female friends? Could you do more trips away with friends who enjoy similar things to you? I have regular 'girls' trips and days/nights out with friends and really it's an absolute lifeline when I feel a little bored or dissatisfied with myself.
I started to feel bored with myself a few years ago so set myself a new career challenge and have now nearly finished a Masters. I think what I'm trying to say is that the problem may not actually be dissatisfaction with your relationship but maybe with yourself?

Featherkin · 28/10/2024 20:35

I already have a masters and I don't think I want to do a Phd or MPhil. I would like to travel a bit more and perhaps move house maybe live in the city for a few years but it would mean downsizing and losing the kids rooms which seems harsh.

I don't think anything is really wrong with my marriage, I'm just a bit lost or stuck at the moment, I want to be a bit selfish for a change and I suppose the fantasy of a new love seems like the easy thing but yes I agree it would be a bad idea.

OP posts:
EllaPaella · 28/10/2024 20:40

I think what you feel is normal.. and not selfish to want to travel and do a few new things. Life is too short to regret not doing the things we really want to- if you can afford to travel a bit then go for it. With or without your partner.

TwistedWonder · 28/10/2024 20:43

It’s difficult OP. I split with my husband after 25 years because we just went in different directions and became more like housemates than a couple.

So while I dont regret ending my marriage (and am still very amicable with my ex) the grass really isn’t greener out there.

I’ve had one relationship since which wasn’t great and now been single 5 years. Financially it’s taken time to get used to not having money to spend when I want to but I’ve become really good at budgeting and working out how to have a great life with less money.

I’ve made good friends so I’m not lonely. I would like a partner - though never to live with anyone again - but honestly the picking are so slim out there. I’ve had a handful of dates but really there’s no Prince Charming ready to sweep me off my feet.

For me it’s been more about being content with my own company, building a social circle and having a full life. If a man comes along all well and good but I’m not holding my breath.

ComingBackHome · 28/10/2024 20:48

By any chance, is it also a case of your whole adult life has been spent doing things because it worked for others, your dh, your dcs, but never for yourself?

Your dcs now have left home.
It’s ok to do things just for yourself and because it pleases you, even if it doesn’t please your dh. Like travelling!
(appreciate living in the city might be harder just now).

You finally have space to do stuff for you. Do it!
You don’t have to separate from your dh to do that.

aCatCalledFawkes · 28/10/2024 20:53

Featherkin · 28/10/2024 20:35

I already have a masters and I don't think I want to do a Phd or MPhil. I would like to travel a bit more and perhaps move house maybe live in the city for a few years but it would mean downsizing and losing the kids rooms which seems harsh.

I don't think anything is really wrong with my marriage, I'm just a bit lost or stuck at the moment, I want to be a bit selfish for a change and I suppose the fantasy of a new love seems like the easy thing but yes I agree it would be a bad idea.

I just feel like you would be so disappointed with OLD when you got there. Obviously if you sold the family house you might have to downsize anyway and maybe living in the city wouldn't happen anyway.
Can you not travel more anyway with friends and have more city breaks? Do you have to go with your DH? Have you spoke to him about what you want? Surely this is just a conversation that needs to start atm not a divorce.

Candleabra · 28/10/2024 21:00

OLD is not worth bombing your marriage for. Honestly, you’ve just got FOMO and are feeling wistful for your younger years.
If you’re just in a bit of a rut try doing more with your husband, and have fun! I get that life can feel like a bit of a grind when you’ve been through parenting together but you need to put the effort in now. Divorce doesn’t have to be the answer. OLD is brutal for women of middle age (not so for men). I guarantee your nice husband would be snapped up if you left and you’d soon wonder what on earth you’d done.

shiverm · 28/10/2024 21:12

Even just in my early and mid 30s dating apps were so bad. I have a good filter for obvious creeps, but it's the men masking as good guys that really caught me out. Or the ones where everything's going amazingly, you can't believe your luck, and then they send you a text saying yeah, see you, bye. Or you don't even get that, just ghosts! I treated it like a job I just had to do (really wanted a family). Got (very) lucky in the end though it looks like maybe now too late for the family. It's tough out there, and you're right OP, your good man will not find it hard to meet a great woman!

I like what others have said, focus on yourself for the moment. Plan something completely new and fun. Maybe you'll fall in love with that!

ElleintheWoods · 28/10/2024 21:36

Unless there’s problems, no, don’t do it.

I did it cos I didn’t love my partner and we should have split years ago, and there were problems.

I do love my single life in every aspect and have really flourished, but the one thing I really miss is having a good partner. I’m an attractive woman and have met plenty of guys, plenty of dates, but nothing really feels right enough to pursue seriously. OLD is definitely the worst part of being single and really swore off that after the initial novelty.

If you just want to be single and be happy single, you’ll have a good time. If you want to have fun dating/ find love, that’s not as guaranteed.

Currently it’s a cold October night and I’d love for someone to give me a cuddle and hold me after a tough day.

SeriouslyStressed · 28/10/2024 22:02

Make your decision based on choosing between singledom or your marriage.

On line dating is hideous and there's no certainty you would fall in love again (with someone worthy of it)

Treesinthewind · 28/10/2024 23:34

I think there's a difference between yearning to experience being on your own and discovering yourself, and specifically wanting to date and fall in love again.
There's absolutely no guarantee of the latter happening.

Treesinthewind · 28/10/2024 23:34

And online dating is horrific 😂

BetterInColour · 28/10/2024 23:40

Already you are talking yourself out of doing what you want to do -move to the city'- and putting the needs of your now adult children first! What about in a few years time? Can you get some of that 'city' experience now, by booking a cheap hotel, just by yourself or with a female friend, and plan things to do on that weekend? Or with your husband?

I think if you are stuck and bored, then something needs to change, you can't just say I can't do it because other people need something different- you are your own person, you have as much right to be happy as anyone else in the family and perhaps your turn has now come.

The other thing quite a few of my female friends have done is go on a mini-break by themselves, just for a few days. I think having time away from home life and time to think can be very regenerating, I find work trips are the same for me if they are not too stressful. A change really is as good as a rest.

Toffeeeapple · 28/10/2024 23:57

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TomPinch · 29/10/2024 00:00

Onlyadaughter · 28/10/2024 15:46

I know someone who decided she could do better than her DH, she had an enviable, comfortable life with him. He was a good, hardworking man, they had no issues she was just bored. She told him she wanted a divorce, no discussion but a couple of years later and she's wanting him back. Definitely a case of grass isn't greener.

Sounds like she got what she deserved.

DancingGerbil · 29/10/2024 00:03

The grass is only green where you water it.

Online dating is full of perverts, married men, misogynistic and weirdos, and that's just the half of it.

If you have a good one keep hold of him and invest some time in bringing the spark back into your relationship?

Ellmau · 29/10/2024 00:03

Excitement never lasts.

Toffeeeapple · 29/10/2024 00:06

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TomPinch · 29/10/2024 00:06

OP, you keep saying you love him, but if you really do, you won't blow up his life to scratch a silly itch.

Smokesandeats · 29/10/2024 00:50

My DH’s first wife felt the same way when she told him she wanted a divorce so that she could find romance and excitement with someone else. She’s still single 20 years later.

coxesorangepippin · 29/10/2024 01:09

Stay

Just not worth it

tolerable · 29/10/2024 01:15

Grass always greener?// Pina colada song.
That said,by now youze oughta be able to communicate "hey Mr man"

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