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Original poster

Met an amazing man but…

88 replies

Camsden · 27/10/2024 22:53

Hi all, I could do with some advice. After being single so long and dating around, I met a man at a dating event the other night. We really clicked and had a wonderful evening. We had a date tonight. We just had such nice easy going conversations.

My only (and fairly big) issue is that he said he has a son and his ex wife living abroad. I asked him if he was actually separated and he looked me dead in the eye, and said ‘I am legally divorced’ and told me about the marriage and why it didn’t work out. He seemed very genuine and went into some vulnerabilities and how he ended up in therapy. Anyway he left his country to come here and he works for a top company - his background is very impressive. He said he eventually would like his son to come over, once he has his passport. He said he is ‘quite amicable’ with his ex wife.

I really like this guy but I have alarm bells going off around lack of passport and the family situation.

Any advice or thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
BonnedPaster · 27/10/2024 22:54

This reply has been deleted

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HalloweenHaribo · 27/10/2024 23:00

How old is his son?

TwistedWonder · 27/10/2024 23:01

So he doesn’t see his son at all?

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 27/10/2024 23:02

How is this a nice easy-going conversation? He told you about vulnerabilities and therapy on the first date (never mind the rest)? Beware

AgainandagainandagainSS · 27/10/2024 23:03

Advice: only date a man with kids if the ex wife is dead. Do you really want someone else’s opinions hanging over your relationship?

ForAvidQuail · 27/10/2024 23:06

AgainandagainandagainSS · 27/10/2024 23:03

Advice: only date a man with kids if the ex wife is dead. Do you really want someone else’s opinions hanging over your relationship?

newbie and sent the same twice apologies 😳

healthybychristmas · 27/10/2024 23:07

So he doesn't see his son now but he wants him to come over and be separate from his own mother? I would not see this man again.

BonnedPaster · 27/10/2024 23:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fiery30 · 27/10/2024 23:11

It depends on where he is from. It's not that uncommon for men to be away from their home country for work. While it might not be a typical first date conversation, sometimes things can get deep and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you find it too much to deal with, then that's absolutely your prerogative.

ViciousCurrentBun · 27/10/2024 23:11

Run a mile

He wants a passport
A Mum for his DS who he is willing to separate from his actual Mum
He has admitted to be being in therapy already
Impressive background? Where does he work and is he actually on company website? Seen those certificates or diplomas have you ?

Apolloneuro · 27/10/2024 23:12

I’d see him again, but have my wits about me.

VapeVamp12 · 27/10/2024 23:12

Hmmm I think if it’s first date or two I’d ditch him

too complicated

MounjaroUser1233 · 27/10/2024 23:12

healthybychristmas · 27/10/2024 23:07

So he doesn't see his son now but he wants him to come over and be separate from his own mother? I would not see this man again.

100% agree this is a huge red flag.
And if it's not the case, then he's telling lies about his future plans (there is a word for this but can't remember what it is) which means he is dishonest.

I mean this kindly, is he love-bombing you?

Fiery30 · 27/10/2024 23:12

AgainandagainandagainSS · 27/10/2024 23:03

Advice: only date a man with kids if the ex wife is dead. Do you really want someone else’s opinions hanging over your relationship?

What? That is a very bizarre outlook. So single fathers have no right to find love? Would the same logic apply to single mothers?

RachelNoire · 27/10/2024 23:19

What was so amazing about him?

Alarm bells are ringing:

1 you’ve already started a thread about him
2 he’s talked to you about vulnerabilities and therapy yet these are the “easy going conversations”
3 works for a top company with an impressive background, yeah yeah
4 wants to move his son to a different country from their morher
5 is “quite” amicable with ex lol what’s her version I wonder
6 needs a passport hmm ok

Bumcake · 27/10/2024 23:30

The kid needs a passport, not the man.

It doesn’t sound so wild to me, can’t you just date him for a bit and see what’s what?

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 27/10/2024 23:42

Taking a different slant from PP, I'd say that he's wise to mention his son at the outset because if the boy's existence is a deal breaker best he finds out now.

I understood long before DH and I were in a relationship that he and his DD came as a set. There was no drama, it's just how things stood.

I wouldn't consider it a red flag.

Guavafish1 · 27/10/2024 23:45

No no no

you will always be second best and there will always be an excuse for something

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2024 23:53

How old is their child? Are we talking about a teenager he wants to come and visit but hasn’t yet got a passport? Or does he mean to live and thus separate his child from the mother?

NotSoHotMess24 · 27/10/2024 23:59

I think it would hinge on the age of the son. I have no time for men who leave wives with very young children, it shows quite substantial character flaws.

Might be different with a teenager.

Moving to a different country from your child is also a red flag imo. I could never imagine doing it myself, especially with a younger child who needs you around.

CheekyHobson · 28/10/2024 00:09

Having a kid is not a red flag.
Having a kid he doesn’t see is a massive red flag.

No decent father would leave his son in a different country with the thought that he could just send for him when he felt like it.

Also don’t like playing the “sensitive victim” card early on, sharing about “vulnerabilities” and therapy.

My ex pulled the same trick and I was suckered into thinking he’d been screwed over by mean former girlfriends but was the sort of emotionally-in-touch guy who could work on himself and forgive (as he also was “amicable” with his exes).

Reality: he was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive, a huge liar, played the victim as a routine, and used his therapy experience as a weapon to label me with all sorts of problems.

Now he’s a lazy-ass father who would tell people we are “amicable” when the reality is that I grit my teeth and am polite to him for the sake of our children, despite the fact that I can’t stand him.

suburberphobe · 28/10/2024 00:27

Next!

Starseeking · 28/10/2024 00:51

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person who chooses not to see their own flesh and blood, so I'd be binning this one.

You know something is off about this situation otherwise you wouldn't have posted on MN.

coxesorangepippin · 28/10/2024 00:52

Which country is the child in?

Seems a bit complicated but maybe have a cup of tea with him or something

FiddlyDiddlyDee · 28/10/2024 01:16

Try to remember that people responding to you might be serially single 40 stone and chronically depressed.

What advice do you want exactly? Don't you know your own mind? It all sounds a bit desperate.

Looks like you get caught up in things too easily, "amazing man" you hardly know him. What's all the pressure about? It's supposed to be fun. You're not going to put all your eggs in this basket are you? You're an adult, you can walk away any time and find someone else. If you just want some "chemistry" than have at it and see how it goes, if not, then move on. Every man you click with doesn't have to lead to marriage and kids and I don't know why you're taking it so seriously.