Met an amazing man but…

[Camsden]

Hi all, I could do with some advice. After being single so long and dating around, I met a man at a dating event the other night. We really clicked and had a wonderful evening. We had a date tonight. We just had such nice easy going conversations.

My only (and fairly big) issue is that he said he has a son and his ex wife living abroad. I asked him if he was actually separated and he looked me dead in the eye, and said ‘I am legally divorced’ and told me about the marriage and why it didn’t work out. He seemed very genuine and went into some vulnerabilities and how he ended up in therapy. Anyway he left his country to come here and he works for a top company - his background is very impressive. He said he eventually would like his son to come over, once he has his passport. He said he is ‘quite amicable’ with his ex wife.

I really like this guy but I have alarm bells going off around lack of passport and the family situation.

Any advice or thoughts welcome.

Tbh the fact he has an ex and kid abroad might be less complex than if they lived five minutes away. Everyone has exes, plenty have kids.
Unless you really do just only want to date someone who's never been married or had children then I wouldn't say this particular scenario would ring alarm bells.
I'd be more worried if I thought he would try and rush me into taking on childcare and being 'stepmum' to his kid based locally.

Do you mean he wants to apply for a British passport?

He went into vulnerabilities on the first date!'

And what does 'legally divorced' mean in his religion? An odd phrase to use. My alarm bells are ringing and I've never met the man.

I'd throw him back. Trust your instincts, they are seldom wrong.

He doesn't sound that amazing at all to me op, nothing you've stated suggests he is worth a second date, move on.

It says something about a man who is fine with living in a separate country to their child. It's pretty similar to being an absent father. A certain disinterest in caring or feeling on that level. Basically emotionally lacking. He might not have the capacity for deep feeling.
That you are gushing this much after 1 date, shows you are ripe for being lovebombed. Some men are naturally adept at putting women at ease, and know it and use it. It's their charm offensive.

🚩 it's a no from me

@Camsden He could be lying through his teeth.

The murderer of Grace Millane was notorious for telling whopper lies about his past and present. {Met through OLD}

This bloke sounds very red flaggish.

What country and culture is he from? Do they have much in common with yours? Is there any chance that he might be religiously married still (e.g. a Roman Catholic without an annulment) or tied up in some way according to Islamic or Jewish law? Are you sure the ex isn't waiting for him like Solveig for Peer Gynt?

At your stage,can you afford to be chooozi?.... (Where you at?)
(Aye,ano,)
No kid age? How often passport gony be required? Constant -live with,take from mam?
Advice? - specify single,no kids or baggage

Personally this wouldn't be for me.

Someone who can live away from their child is not the type of person I'd want as a partner.

Also sounds like there's lots of baggage. Trust your instincts.

Agree with this. Not the qualities I'd be looking for.

I was thinking this too.

Talking about vulnerability on the first date is a red flag. He is playing you. And men like this usually have some kind of charisma and charm that makes them look like wonderful people.

Keep your options open and keep meeting and dating other men.

My opinion is I don't touch anyone with children until their 18. If his child is under 18 then no

It's hard. When written things look so defined and unfeeling. There's a coldness to the written words. So it all seems to us like facts and There's non of the nuance,tone or emotion in between. And missing half the man you saw!
So yes on its own this reads iffy.
And why are you having niggles if your gut isn't kicking in?
Don't be taken in. But don't dismiss off the bat either if you really like him.
But if your questioning him on the first date it doesn't bode well.
Red flags on the first date?
Also your wording of the child and ex status doesn't sit well.

My advice would be to listen to the alarm bells.

Also don’t like playing the “sensitive victim” card early on, sharing about “vulnerabilities” and therapy.
My ex pulled the same trick and I was suckered into thinking he’d been screwed over by mean former girlfriends but was the sort of emotionally-in-touch guy who could work on himself and forgive (as he also was “amicable” with his exes).
Reality: he was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive, a huge liar, played the victim as a routine, and used his therapy experience as a weapon to label me with all sorts of problems.

I echo this. I had a similar experience. I’d b interested to know his country of origin.

I agree with MsNeis.

My first thought is he sees you as a potential 'meal ticket' to remain in this country and using his son as an emotional bargaining tool.

Don't knw what your comment is supposed to mean but yeah thanks, i am smart.

From experience OP, a man who can abandon their child, in the sense of not visit frequently, have lots of contact, not pay appropriate child support will eventually treat you much much worse.
That child is supposed to be the person they love most on the planet but he’s not that fussed. It speaks volumes about his character.

I think if you have alarm bells going off at this early stage (for any reason) he is not for you. Listen to your instincts. Your subconscious might be picking up on other things besides the narrative he's given you not sitting entirely comfortably with your rational mind.

Crucial info missing- how old is the son?

If he's very young or primary aged totally different situation to if he's an older teen/ ready for uni/ a young adult ready for opportunities and travel.