Met an amazing man but…

[Camsden]

Hi all, I could do with some advice. After being single so long and dating around, I met a man at a dating event the other night. We really clicked and had a wonderful evening. We had a date tonight. We just had such nice easy going conversations.

My only (and fairly big) issue is that he said he has a son and his ex wife living abroad. I asked him if he was actually separated and he looked me dead in the eye, and said ‘I am legally divorced’ and told me about the marriage and why it didn’t work out. He seemed very genuine and went into some vulnerabilities and how he ended up in therapy. Anyway he left his country to come here and he works for a top company - his background is very impressive. He said he eventually would like his son to come over, once he has his passport. He said he is ‘quite amicable’ with his ex wife.

I really like this guy but I have alarm bells going off around lack of passport and the family situation.

Any advice or thoughts welcome.

It would matter to me the context of moving to a different country away from his child.

did he seem cut up that he had to do it but felt overall it was the best option financially and he needed to take the opportunity, and he goes back to the home country to see son regularly and has regular video calls etc,

or was he laissez faire about leaving his son and leaving his ex wife to parent alone.

and I’d do some social media digging and see if I could verify the divorce.

but it’s early days and I’d give him a chance but tread carefully

It all sounds too complicated. Not necessarily bad, but do you really want to be a part of this?

Bit harsh - I get on great with my kids stepmum. She's lovely. And I am grateful for what she has done over the years. Even gave her mothers day cards when the kids were younger. We are not all nutters 😂

Does he have legal residency in the uk?

I wouldn’t to be honest just because I couldn’t be bothered with the potential drama but it’s a personal choice.

When I was dating I had a “policy” of not dating men who were separated, only ones who were divorced.

Sometimes red flags can be deceiving though. Third ish date with now DH he burst into tears when he told me about his divorce. So embarrassing and I thought… o no this guy isn’t over his ex at all and also seems emotionally incontinent… really can’t be bothered with this level of baggage. Anyway, we’ve been married seven years with kids and it was worth giving him another chance. He also literally never cries, no idea what that was about.

His child is 4
He flies back every few months to see his child and speaks to them every day
He moved here for a job that pays extremely well - and earns much more than what he would in his home country (he didn’t say this - I looked it up)
He’s shown me his online public profile on the company - it’s a well known house hold company
So he must be on a visa / residency- not sure how these things work

I cannot shake the negative feelings…

This tells you he's not the one for you. It's been one date. Too much, too soon and your alarm bells are ringing. Just move on.

I wouldn't date a man who is happy to only see his four year old once a month.

I'd imagine single mothers are better at establishing boundaries and organising and harmonising new relationships without constantly sidelining the new partner, whereas men have porous boundaries with exes and play Disney dad. That's why. Many single fathers are also pretty shit at prioritising a woman when an ex is hovering as the ex can weaponise the kids and botch plans.

Speaking from experience.

Single men entering an already formed family can often come in as protectors, whereas women entering an already formed family are often seen as interlopers.

It's always funny how these guys amazing high earning jobs, they never just work in Tesco.

He’s shown me his online public profile on the company - it’s a well known house hold company
It's so weird to do this. Did you feel the need to show proof of where you work too?

His child is 4
He flies back every few months to see his child
Whaaaaaaaaat. NO. He has time in his life to meet women though. Quelle surprise.

And agree with PP. Talking about his vulnerabilities and therapy is not an easy going conversation. It is not a first date conversation by any stretch, however comfortable he felt trotting out well rehearsed spiel that you've fallen for.

Give your head a wobble. This is not an amazing man.

If you’ve got negative vibes about him, why try to force it?

Visiting a four year old every few months is pretty shoddy.

"I gave my child lifelong abandonment issues, for money, and so I could chase exotic skirt". Nah.

Too complicated for me.

Does he mean he wants his DC to come and live here with him and not the mum? Why?

Or he means he wants the child to visit? Or the whole family to come?

What sort of distance are we talking, out of interest? You don't have to name the country but are we talking across the channel or 20hrs flight away?

Even if all above board and he's a well meaning guy he's approached it in a worrying way, going on about his vulnerabilities and therapy at an inappropriately early stage

*Waterboatlass *The country is a 10 hour flight away. I think he is hoping for the child to have the option to come here for school or universities etc.

I agree, it's complicated for me too. It's just such a shame as he came across really well (despite all the complications) and we connected on many levels.

Why on earth did so many posters think the passport was for the man?

It reads quite clearly it's about his young child. And that he wants to see him her when he can. Maybe his ex wife would bring him over.

I don't see anything really wrong in this so far.

There are men (and women) who are divorced and whose ex-wife and children live in another country. That's quite common.

I also don't see anything wrong at all in discussing the therapy. He maybe thought you'd judge him for 'leaving' his child and coming here to work.
He maybe felt that he wanted to show you he'd had therapy to try to leave behind some of the baggage of his divorce.

None of that is wrong IMO.

If you like him, see him a few more times and take it from there.
It's only complicated in your own mind. I'm not sure where the complication lies.
If you don't want to date anyone divorced or with children that's fine.
But on the surface I can't see anything so wrong so far with this man.

i wouldn’t be impressed by a man whose happy to live a 10 hour flight away from his 4 year old. Plus you have no way of knowing if he’s telling the truth about his wife being an ex or not. Not sure this man is a good bet.

This. Too many red flags.

and I do think sharing his therapy stories is a bit much on date #1. It smacks of ‘fast-forwarding’ and trying to accelerate the process of reeling the OP in with his sensitivity and vulnerability.

Nothing would make me up sticks and move country and leave my child behind. I say this as someone who has moved all over the world. No way would I do it if my child wasn’t with me. That’s the first thing. He sounds like a shit dad.

Secondly, I’m massively skeptical of people who seem to unload all the bad stuff on a first date. The only people who I personally know who do it have a lot of skeletons in the closet and it seems like a way to weed out women who have healthy boundaries and are unlikely to tolerate their insanity and drama.

It depends on where he comes from (leaving an impoverished country to make a better life and send money back and with the aim of building opportunities so your child can join you does not make a bad father) the age of the child (3 is different from 16) and how much probing and encouraging you did to get him to share so much (opening up to someone who is being highly empathic, and over sharing in the process can happen to the best of us).

Ofgs - he might have moved away for a few years to develop his career or something

by all means dump him but try not to act as though he is the devil!

and if he wanted to take that opportunity when he was separated then there are worse fathers out there than him

Have you ever lived in a country where standards of living, lifestyle and opportunities were so poor you'd have done anything to bring your child to a better place? And for the only way to achieve that being to go on ahead taking a work opportunity then applying for your child to join you? Knowing that in the meantime your child was bring cared for by his mum? I'm not saying this is the case here, but being able to categorically say you'd never do it is a privilege.

Everything you've described can be reasonably explained away and none of us know the full story. However, the fact that clearly all your instincts are screaming at you not to take this further tells me you'd be better off not developing this relationship.

So many women are socialised out of listening to their very accurate instincts about men.

The biggest reason to not pursue this relationship is that you are not completely comfortable with it. That’s enough reason.

Some of the other posts are strange. Large numbers of both men and women all over the world leave their children behind to find work all the time. My dad did this in the 1970s when the construction industry in Britain was in a deep recession. He absolutely loved us and there was nothing wrong with the quality of our family relationships. Huge numbers of people left the Caribbean and Ireland for decades to find work, leaving their kids with their extended families. Not ideal maybe, but a common fact of life in many parts of the world and it does not signify anything about the emotional lives of those people but much more about their economy and culture. A British education (for example) is still seen as prestigious and I teach many women on British degree courses who have left children behind. They see it as a sacrifice they are making to improve lives for their family. And, if you have a close and extended family your children are likely to be well cared for while you are away. As I said, maybe not ideal but certainly not a sign of a suspicious character.

I wouldn’t do it. But probably because I don’t need to and because it is frowned upon here and viewed negatively which it really isn’t everywhere. It’s quite possible his family are proud of him. In Britain we are very privileged that we do not have to consider this.