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Original poster

Met an amazing man but…

88 replies

Camsden · 27/10/2024 22:53

Hi all, I could do with some advice. After being single so long and dating around, I met a man at a dating event the other night. We really clicked and had a wonderful evening. We had a date tonight. We just had such nice easy going conversations.

My only (and fairly big) issue is that he said he has a son and his ex wife living abroad. I asked him if he was actually separated and he looked me dead in the eye, and said ‘I am legally divorced’ and told me about the marriage and why it didn’t work out. He seemed very genuine and went into some vulnerabilities and how he ended up in therapy. Anyway he left his country to come here and he works for a top company - his background is very impressive. He said he eventually would like his son to come over, once he has his passport. He said he is ‘quite amicable’ with his ex wife.

I really like this guy but I have alarm bells going off around lack of passport and the family situation.

Any advice or thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
ClaireduLuney · 28/10/2024 20:32

mindutopia · 28/10/2024 17:52

Nothing would make me up sticks and move country and leave my child behind. I say this as someone who has moved all over the world. No way would I do it if my child wasn’t with me. That’s the first thing. He sounds like a shit dad.

Secondly, I’m massively skeptical of people who seem to unload all the bad stuff on a first date. The only people who I personally know who do it have a lot of skeletons in the closet and it seems like a way to weed out women who have healthy boundaries and are unlikely to tolerate their insanity and drama.

But that's your opinion.

Many parents see less of their children because of work.

Look at all the children in boarding schools for instance because their parents work overseas or are posted overseas. Sometimes they only see them at the end of a term (12 weeks ish.)

Moving away like he is does not equate to being a shit dad.

There are shit dads everywhere often under the same roof as their kids or never to be seen after a divorce.

Waterboatlass · 28/10/2024 20:41

Agreed plenty of people live overseas from their kids for work or study. I know a genuinely lovely man who does. They grow up with their huge close knit family and he is doing very well in his career and has finished an MBA.

Someone's circs can be too complex to get into romantically without them necessarily being a bad person. OP is getting an uncertain impression. I'd listen.

CheekyHobson · 28/10/2024 21:33

Camsden · 28/10/2024 17:13

*Waterboatlass *The country is a 10 hour flight away. I think he is hoping for the child to have the option to come here for school or universities etc.

I agree, it's complicated for me too. It's just such a shame as he came across really well (despite all the complications) and we connected on many levels.

Edited

So he’s moved 10 hours flight away from his kid and he’s also thinking that at some point in the future when it suits him he’d like to uproot his kid from the mother and move the child 10 hours away from her? Jeez.

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 07:57

mindutopia · 28/10/2024 17:52

Nothing would make me up sticks and move country and leave my child behind. I say this as someone who has moved all over the world. No way would I do it if my child wasn’t with me. That’s the first thing. He sounds like a shit dad.

Secondly, I’m massively skeptical of people who seem to unload all the bad stuff on a first date. The only people who I personally know who do it have a lot of skeletons in the closet and it seems like a way to weed out women who have healthy boundaries and are unlikely to tolerate their insanity and drama.

And yet, lots of mothers leave children with the dad or grandparents and do exactly this. Especially if they are from a poorer country. Are they shit mothers too?

ClaireduLuney · 29/10/2024 08:02

And yet, lots of mothers leave children with the dad or grandparents and do exactly this. Especially if they are from a poorer country. Are they shit mothers too?

Indeed.

There are women from many far east countries who come here for work and send payment back to their extended family and children.

lololulu · 29/10/2024 09:45

@RachelNoire

6 needs a passport hmm ok

  • Do you think he parachuted over here?
NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 09:45

lololulu · 29/10/2024 09:45

@RachelNoire

6 needs a passport hmm ok

  • Do you think he parachuted over here?
Edited

The child needs a passport.

lololulu · 29/10/2024 09:46

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

I understood long before DH and I were in a relationship that he and his DD came as a set. There was no drama, it's just how things stood.

  • Totally different situation.
lololulu · 29/10/2024 09:47

@NowImNotDoingIt

Exactly

Rubixcoobe · 29/10/2024 10:02

CheekyHobson · 28/10/2024 00:09

Having a kid is not a red flag.
Having a kid he doesn’t see is a massive red flag.

No decent father would leave his son in a different country with the thought that he could just send for him when he felt like it.

Also don’t like playing the “sensitive victim” card early on, sharing about “vulnerabilities” and therapy.

My ex pulled the same trick and I was suckered into thinking he’d been screwed over by mean former girlfriends but was the sort of emotionally-in-touch guy who could work on himself and forgive (as he also was “amicable” with his exes).

Reality: he was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive, a huge liar, played the victim as a routine, and used his therapy experience as a weapon to label me with all sorts of problems.

Now he’s a lazy-ass father who would tell people we are “amicable” when the reality is that I grit my teeth and am polite to him for the sake of our children, despite the fact that I can’t stand him.

This is definitely a pattern I also recognise

Sassybooklover · 29/10/2024 10:15

Has he moved to the UK to better himself? Some men who live in countries without the opportunities, feel they have no choice but to leave and find better paying work. Yes, sometimes, in order to provide a better life in the future, they leave family behind. This isn't necessarily a red flag, but it's a 'tread carefully' warning. How old is the child? Does he go home frequently to see his son? Or suddenly will you find out he Facetimes him twice a week but hasn't actually seen him for a year or two?! If this man is in a good paying job, then I would expect him to be in a financial position to be able to go home and see his son!! Check out the company web site he works for, is he listed? Google his name? I would continue seeing him, until you have more information and then make a decision. Just tread carefully!

DearIntuition · 31/10/2024 18:24

Release resistance whenever you feel tempted to shut out anyone when you don’t have proof to clarify your fears. Are they just fears? Yes. For now. You don’t know this man. So it is tempting to deal with him by not giving him a chance. At the same time, you can only get to know what his motivations are with a chance to spend time with him to have the conversations that will provide the energy and actual answers you need to make a discernible decision. (I've intuitively channeled this answer for you because it's what I do. Hope it helps!)

What you have right now are simply fears, not proof. Allow this to be a lesson for you in this experience and all others moving forward. Try not to allow fears to get in the way of possible truth. Set yourself free from resistance that fears bring on by releasing the energy with pain body releasing practices and a conversation with your intuition.

NowImNotDoingIt · 31/10/2024 20:06

DearIntuition · 31/10/2024 18:24

Release resistance whenever you feel tempted to shut out anyone when you don’t have proof to clarify your fears. Are they just fears? Yes. For now. You don’t know this man. So it is tempting to deal with him by not giving him a chance. At the same time, you can only get to know what his motivations are with a chance to spend time with him to have the conversations that will provide the energy and actual answers you need to make a discernible decision. (I've intuitively channeled this answer for you because it's what I do. Hope it helps!)

What you have right now are simply fears, not proof. Allow this to be a lesson for you in this experience and all others moving forward. Try not to allow fears to get in the way of possible truth. Set yourself free from resistance that fears bring on by releasing the energy with pain body releasing practices and a conversation with your intuition.

Yeah.... no.

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