When is an affair boundary crossed?

[NotThOtherWoman]

I am mid 30's, single, never married but need advice from those who are.

There is a guy at work who sends me friendly messages. Our company is multi-site but about once a month we work in the same building on same floor (not co-ordinated, just statistically ends up being about that often). We do not work together so have no reason to be in contact other than friendly colleagues - a relationship I have with lots of people (men and women) because I chat to everyone.

He hasn't said anything untoward, but I just have a feeling that when we're next working away he might suggest dinner. And I can't work out why that niggles me slightly. I know in my head and heart I would never do anything physical with someone in a relationship, but at what point does the line blur when you think "yeah you really should have seen that coming".

He has not mentioned a wife and doesn't wear a ring but I did my homework online because i'm a good citizen / a massive stalker.

I meet with platonic work friends all the time so I don't know why I have a feeling this is different / potentially could be wrong, I just do.

The furthest I've got in determining a "line" is one of secrecy. If you're open with everyone about "oh I had dinner with X", it's probably ok.

Do others agree?

I am confused. Did you identify he had a wife?

And if he does, no dinner or non work related contact at all.

No dinner - that’s it (pushing a line)

I'd be hugely pissed off of my DH had dinner with a work female colleague on their own ... but he would t because he's a decent man - so he needs avoiding if he's inclined to be asking single women for dinner if he's married

I don’t get it. If you’re working away, wouldn’t you usually have dinner with any colleagues who were in the same trip? I would.

What makes you think this guy is different? Bit odd that you’re looking him up online when he’s given you no reason to think he’s interested in shagging you.

Even if he does make a proposition, it’s very easy to say no. I don’t understand why you’re giving this so much thought.

@PinotPony

On first point - No its not a team trip, we just all work multisite but when away from main site we're in a hotel.

On second point - You could be absolutely right, maybe its just in my head

@Autumnblackberries sorry yes, there is a wife. Or rather, on companies house there is a lady with same surname at same address (thats the only place I ever check)

@FloofPaws Ok, that's good to know. I had lunch with a male ex-colleague the other day and would be horrified if anyone was upset by that. Is there something about dinner being different?

Thanks @Spagettifunction . I think I agree but can't work out why it's different to lunch.

I had a guy like this years ago in my first professional job he told me he was single. Then one day his partner called the office threatening me etc! I hadn’t went out we were just emailing.

Be careful.

Also though i have 2 male work colleagues I am still friends with years later.

Lunch can be quite informal and can easily be a sandwich or something light. I think dinner is a more intimate meal. It's in the evening when lights can be dimmed, and you're more likely to include alcohol.

Will there be other colleagues there, or just you two? Just politely decline if you feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure why you're thinking this man has untoward thoughts about you though if all he's ever done is speak friendly to you at work. I assume you only talk about general life stuff and it's not flirtatious?

@Iloveglitterballs didnt want to get caught in details because it could be nothing but i caught him looking over twice, that was enough to make me question it

I think 2 adults of the opposite sex can go for dinner whether they're in a relationship or not.

If he doesn't mention his wife/gf or he tries it on with you then that's the end of it. But you're both allowed to go for dinner if you want to.

If he's going to cheat he'll cheat anyway. You can't prevent a partner from going out with the opposite sex in the hope it will prevent cheating!!

I will just add for the record, i'm neither young nor attractive. I used to be, now im just fat and middle aged 😂

If he's a decent man then he can go for dinner with a female work colleague without crossing any lines surely?

@Jk987 Totally agree. I used to be in a long distance relationship and people assumed he was cheating. Was so bizarre to me. As you say, they often cheat despite sharing a bed together every night. It's like the work from home debate. You either trust people or you dont.

I don't understand the issue about dinner with a work colleague myself. The nature of my job means I am often away with one or more colleagues at any time of either sex and it would be strange of me to say not socialise. But then if anything ever happened I have the power to say no!

I go for dinner with work colleagues when I'm away, never an issue.
You're sensing something extra here though OP, with this guy and that's where you'd be wise to draw your line. Your gut is telling you something.

I have dinner with men at work all the time, it’s very common in my industry.

It tends to be the older ones who try something on (50+), the younger ones just seem more relaxed about women in the work force, dinners etc. A woman paying them a compliment without immediately thinking it means sex!

My industry is very male dominated and has very traditional values. But I’m friends with men and generally have no issues.

Thanks @MsMila , yes, and I do trust my gut, but also want to make sure i'm not cutting someone off who has done nothing wrong (yet!)

I guess its a good point though. We probably all know in our heart whether its "dinner because we're both staying over and it beats crappy room service" vs "dinner because I want to start getting closer to you".

@FootbalIslife We might be in the same industry. This guy is early 50's so exactly the demographic who often (not everyone) thinks that re compliment.

My husband has lunch and dinner with work colleagues why on earth would this be a problem, is he going to jump them over the starter?

The fact you're having to think about this situation says that you'd be better off not getting in anyway involved with him other than work meetings and a working lunch where others in your work area are also involved. It isn't worth the hassle.

and by the way your description of yourself as 'middle aged and fat' when you're mid-30s is a bit weird.

Of course you can go for dinner with a colleague, surely? I’ve done it dozens of times. Bizarre to think ‘decent men’ wouldn’t do this.

How would you get around this, I wonder? Dinner needs to be eaten. You might have further work to discuss. ‘Decent’ man refuses to dine with colleague as this is tantamount to betraying his wife? Baffling.

Look OP, if he gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you’re free to refuse if dinner gets suggested. Or go and turn him down if necessary. It happens.

@daisychain01 It's how I feel. Not that I want to derail the chat but I'm going thru a "life is going too quickly" phase