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Original poster

When is an affair boundary crossed?

82 replies

NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 07:00

I am mid 30's, single, never married but need advice from those who are.

There is a guy at work who sends me friendly messages. Our company is multi-site but about once a month we work in the same building on same floor (not co-ordinated, just statistically ends up being about that often). We do not work together so have no reason to be in contact other than friendly colleagues - a relationship I have with lots of people (men and women) because I chat to everyone.

He hasn't said anything untoward, but I just have a feeling that when we're next working away he might suggest dinner. And I can't work out why that niggles me slightly. I know in my head and heart I would never do anything physical with someone in a relationship, but at what point does the line blur when you think "yeah you really should have seen that coming".

He has not mentioned a wife and doesn't wear a ring but I did my homework online because i'm a good citizen / a massive stalker.

I meet with platonic work friends all the time so I don't know why I have a feeling this is different / potentially could be wrong, I just do.

The furthest I've got in determining a "line" is one of secrecy. If you're open with everyone about "oh I had dinner with X", it's probably ok.

Do others agree?

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 27/10/2024 08:15

What sort of friendly messages is he sending you OP? Work related or more personal?

lap90 · 27/10/2024 08:38

There's nothing wrong with 2 colleagues of the opposite sex having a meal together while working away imo. I've dined with married colleagues plenty of times and everything is always above board.

Are you attracted to him?

Onelifeonly · 27/10/2024 08:45

I can't tell if you're hoping he's single and you are attracted to him or if you're worried he has ulterior motives and being alone together could be awkward?

Having dinner with a colleague working away from home is just good manners. Being together knowing he might be wanting more is best avoided, unless you want it too.

Gonk123 · 27/10/2024 08:49

Just keep it to work and if you go out with him it’s in a group setting only…

Original poster
NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 08:51

Going out with others is not an option as you never really know who is in what site unless you ask, and as we don't work together, we don't know any of same people. I'm not adverse to meeting more work people, i'm just saying there's not a natural group setting

OP posts:
Tarantella6 · 27/10/2024 08:55

If you're away for work and it's just the two of you it's borderline rude to refuse to go out, isn't it? I think there's an expectation that you'll go out for dinner and not force someone to have room service or sit alone in a restaurant.

The line is where you have personal conversations or start moaning about your DH or he tells you stuff about his wife and you say she sounds awful.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/10/2024 08:58

It seems like you fancy him. Otherwise why obsess over a scenario in which he invites you to dinner? He hadn't flirted with you so far and you've no reason to assume as a married man he'd ask you on a date?
I'd not go if he asked me, unless it was a group meal with other colleagues of both sexes. But I think you are having a crush on him. Probably best to take a step back.

Original poster
NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 08:58

@Tarantella6 Men don't really still try the "my wife doesnt understand me" trick, do they????

OP posts:
Original poster
NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 09:00

@BobbyBiscuits obsess is a strong word. I just want to make sure i'm not doing anything that would upset a family home, and some of the replies on here suggest that is not as cut and dry as you might think. Whilst I have no evidence he is attracted to me, you've got to recognise that repeatedly messaging a woman you have zero reason to be in contact with is enough for me to at least check the health of the situation?

OP posts:
Edingril · 27/10/2024 09:03

NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 08:58

@Tarantella6 Men don't really still try the "my wife doesnt understand me" trick, do they????

Probably enough women fall for it

BobbyBiscuits · 27/10/2024 09:04

@NotThOtherWoman I do get that. But to me it seems you like him else that scenario wouldn't be popping up in your head so vividly. I guess he could be splitting from his wife if he doesn't wear a ring? Or the companies house person was his sister or mum? Gawd, sorry, you've got me thinking about it now! If he wants to date you romantically but is also admitting to being married then surely you just decline?

Doublebubblegum · 27/10/2024 09:05

Sorry if I've missed this - the only reason you think he has a wife is because on Companies House there's a woman at the same address with the same surname? When was this...could be an ex wife? Hence no wedding ring.

Futurethinking2026 · 27/10/2024 09:07

I haven’t read all the updates but I think the difference is you probably like him more then colleagues and if there wasn’t a wife you may let things go further.

Dinners / lunches with other males haven’t bothered you as you have been their 100% as a colleague / friends and we’re not worried about your feelings.

Original poster
NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 09:08

@BobbyBiscuits Wife has never come up in conversation, mind you its only been a few weeks so wouldn't naturally have. But think the answer is to assume all platonic until otherwise and just ignore my gut until I have evidence

OP posts:
SwedishHills · 27/10/2024 09:09

Has he even asked if you want to go for dinner yet? Sounds like you're overthinking tbh..

Original poster
NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 09:09

@Doublebubblegum Surely you'd untangle the business as part of divorce? They are both registered directors

OP posts:
PinkBlouse · 27/10/2024 09:09

NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 09:00

@BobbyBiscuits obsess is a strong word. I just want to make sure i'm not doing anything that would upset a family home, and some of the replies on here suggest that is not as cut and dry as you might think. Whilst I have no evidence he is attracted to me, you've got to recognise that repeatedly messaging a woman you have zero reason to be in contact with is enough for me to at least check the health of the situation?

Well, you’re the one who bustled about stalking him to find out whether he was married! You sound as if you fancy him and want to believe it’s mutual. Despite this guy having done absolutely nothing to suggest it is.

Original poster
NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 09:10

@SwedishHills He's asked me when im next going and if im staying in the same hotel (that he recommended and tbf it is miles better than the one i was in before)

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 27/10/2024 09:10

Do you like him?

Discolites · 27/10/2024 09:12

You're wildly overthinking this, by the sound of it he hasn't been flirty or indicated a romantic interest in you, and if he did ask if you wanted dinner together (which he might not anyway) it's just circumstantial. If you fancy him which it sounds like might be the case then say no to whatever you don't feel comfortable with (as you should anyway, I just mean it might be better to draw boundaries your end).

Original poster
NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 09:12

@PinkBlouse I don't think he's done NOTHING, he's just done nothing concrete. Having a married man fancy me is the last thing I need - Why would anyone want to be fancied by someone they are not with and not going to be with?

OP posts:
Original poster
NotThOtherWoman · 27/10/2024 09:15

@Gonk123 He helped me when I was new and had an issue with my pass, so I like him in that he was kind and helped me even though he didn't know who I was. I'm grateful for that. Someone said would I feel differently if I knew for definite he was single. Yes, maybe, i'll give that some more thought. I still don't want anything to happen though, regardless of availability

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 27/10/2024 09:17

It sounds to me like you do want something more or else why would you be researching him and asking on here. Anyone with a decent set of morals knows what crossing a line is, you don’t need mumsnet for that surely?

Calliopespa · 27/10/2024 09:20

Spagettifunction · 27/10/2024 07:16

No dinner - that’s it (pushing a line)

Yes I agree. Dinner alone ( just the two of you) is the line.

Calliopespa · 27/10/2024 09:25

BobbyBiscuits · 27/10/2024 08:58

It seems like you fancy him. Otherwise why obsess over a scenario in which he invites you to dinner? He hadn't flirted with you so far and you've no reason to assume as a married man he'd ask you on a date?
I'd not go if he asked me, unless it was a group meal with other colleagues of both sexes. But I think you are having a crush on him. Probably best to take a step back.

It strikes me that you fancy him op- possibly without realising how much.

You are right that if he is married you are playing with fire - and there are only two ways out: it all comes to nothing between you and you feel used, or you destroy a marriage. I’d nip it in the bud now and look for someone else if he is married.

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