When is an affair boundary crossed?

[NotThOtherWoman]

I am mid 30's, single, never married but need advice from those who are.

There is a guy at work who sends me friendly messages. Our company is multi-site but about once a month we work in the same building on same floor (not co-ordinated, just statistically ends up being about that often). We do not work together so have no reason to be in contact other than friendly colleagues - a relationship I have with lots of people (men and women) because I chat to everyone.

He hasn't said anything untoward, but I just have a feeling that when we're next working away he might suggest dinner. And I can't work out why that niggles me slightly. I know in my head and heart I would never do anything physical with someone in a relationship, but at what point does the line blur when you think "yeah you really should have seen that coming".

He has not mentioned a wife and doesn't wear a ring but I did my homework online because i'm a good citizen / a massive stalker.

I meet with platonic work friends all the time so I don't know why I have a feeling this is different / potentially could be wrong, I just do.

The furthest I've got in determining a "line" is one of secrecy. If you're open with everyone about "oh I had dinner with X", it's probably ok.

Do others agree?

You really are giving this a lot of thought op … 🤔

What are the ‘non-concrete’ things he’s done, then? All I can see is the he has occasionally sent you friendly messages, and you’ve seen him looking at you twice. That’s beyond nebulous. He has never said anything untoward. He has never paid you a compliment. He has never suggested lunch. He has never suggested getting together after work hours. Your evidence that he’s married is hardly conclusive (and Companies House does not put the home addresses of directors on the public register, so the ‘shared address’ will be the correspondence or business address of the company, not evidence the two directors live together).

And you’re not some helpless teenager. If he asks you to have dinner on the offsite night, say no if you don’t want to go! It’s not that complicated!

@Gonk123 The fact that there are polar opposite views in this post alone suggests otherwise. Some agree dinner with colleague is normal. Another says absolutely no way can her husband go for dinner with a female colleague 🤷‍♀️

There are some very insecure women if they don't think men and women can have a dinner together without it being an affair. I have male friends who I met up with - they're uni friends rather than work but neither their partners or mine would be suspicious about it.

I went away for work for 3 weeks and had breakfast, lunch and dinner with my colleague!

For me ‘the line’ is whether you fancy him. I’ve had dinner with loads of married blokes due to work, but I don’t want to shag them. So I don’t.

If I fancied said married bloke, then that’s the line you’re crossing.

I think there can be context. But in op’s case, she clearly has it in mind they are affair material or the question would not have been asked.

I have dinner with colleagues. Nearly all my colleagues are men, so I don’t really have much choice unless I want to eat in my own. I have male friends I have made in previous jobs who I still see and have dinner with them like I would any friend.

I couldn’t imagine living my life thinking my husband would cheat if he had dinner with a female work colleague. It must be exhausting! If someone is going to cheat they will, you can’t lock people up. Why would you be with a man who views women as just sexual object and not people who you would chat with, have dinner with. It’s very sad in my opinion.

It does seem a bit odd that you’ve looked up this guy on companies house though!! I can honestly say this would never occur to me! And then jumped to the conclusion he’s married!

@NotThOtherWoman maybe he lives with his sister or Mother!

Not RTFT but if it’s just you and him who are away for work, I would regard it as normal to have dinner together. I’ve done it on work trips. It doesn’t have to be romantic or intimate - you just eat and chat the way you would at any other meal. In fact, I really struggle with the idea that men and women can’t just have dinner together. Would anyone suggest that gay people should only dine with members of the opposite sex? Or that bisexual people shouldn’t dine with anyone!!??

BUT if you have a sense that it’s a situation you would prefer to avoid then that’s fine, too. You’re not obliged to avoid dining with him or to dine with him. Just do what feels right for you.

It's all about the context, going out for dinner is a bit different to grabbing lunch. On a work trip - anyone fancy going to dinner together? ... different to dinner out - it's more intimate

I think what's happened is your gut has picked up on the fact that he's a player. He's got you staying at the same hotel. You think he's going to mention dinner. I would be very uneasy about this guy. Obviously men and women can be friends but you sense he's going to want more. He sounds like a creep, really.

Thanks @MounjaroUser yes it is completely gut instinct but i'm usually fairly good with these things. I guess time will tell!

Hopefully you're wrong and he doesn't have any dishonourable intentions because the way you're obsessing over him now isn't healthy.

How often do you chat?

Dinner is not crossing a line ffs. If you get concrete proof he has a wife (and you don’t have concrete proof) and he starts flirting with you THAT is a line. If you don’t want to have dinner with him, don’t. If you do, do. If he says or does anything that makes you uncomfortable, shut it down. If my partner said to a female colleague he couldn’t have dinner with them because he was in a relationship I’d think he’d gone mad and question his views about women.

Yes making the thread is quite a big step op. Most of us clock these kind of dynamics, file it and move on, ready to avert the problem if the situation arises. I can’t help but feel this thread is a bit “ mentionitis.” I think you need to watch yourself as well as him really.

I suppose you could just ask him if he’s married and then it’s out there. I normally wouldn’t suggest it for fear of giving a hint you are even interested, but in this case I feel as though you are slightly obsessing and covertly feeding your interest in the hope that he isn’t. Find out and then at least you are looking yourself full in the face as you take decisions.

Come on really, you know he's in a relationship are you really going to stoop so low ? Is that the bar you want to set, even if there is something there, you'll be back here soon, saying he used you, your heartbroken bla bla , same old story, your not daft you want the attention , do it but it won't end well, never does.
You wouldn't be asking so many questions , you've got a crush on him clearly.
Leave him alone and find a single man if your that bored fgs

Half of MN : "You don't even know he's married and are worrying over nothing"

Other half : "Are you so desperate to be chasing after a married man"

No-one : "I'm so glad that there are single women who care about people's marriages and not wanting to do anything that might upset a happy home"

🤷‍♀️ Over and Out.

If it’s totally platonic from your end, why did you have to look up to see if he had a wife? It should not matter.
Your actions are odd OP

That's nonsense OP. Loads of posts have said it's totally fine to eat together. If you are attracted to him - which to be concerned we assume you are - and think he would try to act on it than yeah, don't put yourself into that position. It's not hard, is it.

Sounds like you fancy him and are projecting thise feeling onto his conduct with you. Why not just wait and see and definitely don't act weird?

It's weird to assume a meal with a work colleague who (shock horror) happens to the opposite sex would jeopardise a marriage though. Most people aren't saying its nice you as a single woman care about others relationships as he hasn't said or done anything to suggest he fancies you or even asked you to dinner! You evidently fancy him which is fine and are making a scenario in your head.

It’s really not that hard op.

The thread and the making it hard has come across as a bit disingenuous - as if you are casting about for “consent” to go further so “it isn’t your fault.”

If you think he’s married and his manner is off, and you really don’t want to disrupt a marriage, don’t go. Simple.

There are always acceptable excuses not to go out that are perfectly acceptable in a professional context.

But to me the underlying issue is you want to go. In that case, why not just ask him if he’s married? It shouldn’t be a secret - not like you’re asking him anything overly personal.

It does matter whether someone fancies you or not if you aren’t going to do anything about it.

This reads. You fancy him. Think he fancies you. You want to move up a gear, dinner out together and suspect he has a partner/wife but avoid asking him on purpose so you can “omg, I had I no idea he wasn’t a free agent “ Because you want him anyway you are looking for validation from randos on the internet to tell you it’s ok, go have fun, bc work colleagues do this platonic bs without guilt. Difference is you fancy him! Good intentions and ingenuity are missing here from you. And him.