Married for few years. Didn’t really notice it at first, just thought we have different views and he’s just passionate
But over time it’s become something else. I can even predict what sort of response he will have.
Few examples out of many:
- My MIL was discussing some article she read about how a man beat up his wife and it was disgusting. I agreed. My husband (as I’d predicted) comes out with but what about the times when women hit men? And I just thought this has NOTHING to do with the poor woman in question and there was no empathy for her
- I told my husband that my friend just bought a house herself only and has achieved her life long dream. His response was if she’s planning on getting married why does she need a house? I said I don’t see the relevance. And he made it into a female vs male thing that women just want to buy a house for themselves to prove to men they can and to show off. I mean what the hell? How did it become a gender thing?
- We were watching some show and this contestant (POC) was coming across as aggressive and that’s what people on the show were saying. My husband made it into a race thing saying they calling him aggressive because he is POC. But thing is even as a POC myself, I felt the contestant was quite aggressive too. I failed to see where his race came into it?
- I get on well with my colleagues and most of them are men. My husband tells my colleagues must make sexual remarks as he’s heard when other men say behind a woman’s back. I’m like I don’t know what they say behind my back but they’ve always come across as respectful in the 5 years I’ve worked with them. But he is adamant and claims ALL men talk like that. I said but you can’t speak for other men. He tells me because he’s a man and has male friends he knows. But I said that doesn’t give him the right to speak on behalf of all men and I refuse to believe every man looks at females sexually.
- I was telling him how my female colleague made an error at work but that’s because she’s used to people helping her and this time she had to do it alone. And some how he made it into a man/woman thing saying men are fickle they must fancy her and always do her work for her. And I’m thinking where did you pluck this idea from? I explained no that’s not the case as she asks me for help and usually she asks for help, no one goes out their way to help her unless she asks.
But there’s one thing having this views, but I find that he gets frustrated when I don’t share his views. When I tell him I disagree and explain why. He interrogates me non- stop. To the point I get overwhelmed. Sometimes it leads to arguments and sometimes it’s just when I cave in and don’t further share my views.
I wouldn’t mind him asking for sake of learning or helping me see a different view but he’s so rude with it. I also find he’s a hypocrite with it.
For instance if he shares statistics to prove his point, it is fine. But if I share statistics or other things to back my point, he will tell me the stats are manipulated and starts questioning its methodology. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to question sources but he needs to have the same energy when he’s quoting me things too.
And I hate how he invalidates my experiences such as men don’t really respect you, they’re just being nice coz they fancy you. I mean I don’t consider myself super attractive that every man fancies me and that’s the only reason they are civil to me. I mean some guys I worked with for so long and I’ve never felt disrespected or sexualised by them. Some of these men are in relationships and openly talk about how much they adore their SO.
Or he invalidates my experiences when I say I had a pleasant childhood (I grew up in a majority white neighbourhood and I’m POC) and I always felt part of the neighbourhood/community. But he’s adamant that they didn’t really like me due to my race and I must have been oblivious.
What is frustrating is that he gets so aggressive with it. Few times I’ve told him this but he gets worse by saying oh can’t even say anything without you getting sensitive and am I as aggressive as your dad? (This is deep because my dad used to hit my mum and I don’t understand why he would bring this up).
I’m just tired as it feels like anything that I say will be weaponised against me. I kind of want to walk away but I don’t know if that’s an OR? As another part of still remembers the good times and positives. I mean am I missing something and coming across as defensive hence why he’s being super intense with his views or are my gut instincts right?
How do I approach it?