30 year marriage deadly dull... don't think I want this anymore

[Idontthinkilovehimanymore]

This has been brewing on my side for years. I seriously question why we are together... I'm a young 56 and he's an old 63. We have little in common. We have separate hobby's and interests... me more than him.... im quite outgoing and need other people in my life for friendship and support and fun. Hes dull and boring and miserable alot of the time. He's an introvert, I'm more extrovert. He doesn't even want holidays or trips out anymore. We have not been sexually attracted to each other for years and have no intimacy. We have enough money I think.... we are fortunate in this. We are both retired and I want adventures and fun and travel and he wants to save and be miserly and joyless.

What would life be like apart? I'm fond of him and wish him no ill but I can't imagine spending the next 30 years together in our joyless existence. I'm bored of this marriage. I don't want a new partner or affair, I just want to do the things that please me without the agro I get atm.

We have financial security together... this would change if we split .... ??? Anyone have any experience of this or advice?

He's unwilling to change or work towards change. I always compromise myself and my desires... I feel I loose a little bit of me every time.

I cant be alone in these feelings.

I'm the same op and quietly making plans to sort my own place next year.

I just feel that it would be less lonely for me to live on my own with friends, groups, activities on the outside. Than live in a joyless relationship with a miserable person for the next 30 years.

My parents are a less extreme version of this. They’re the same age (mid 70s) and they love each other but my mum has felt trapped for a long time. I hate to think of them apart but I honestly think she’s wasted 20 years and they’re too old to do anything about it now

@PeachyKeane. So sorry you are feeling like this too..... and thank you for answering.

Please may I ask if yiu have told anyone in real life to get support or advice? ... I haven't.... no one knows how I feel, I hide it well.

I feel I could have written this. I don't have any words of wisdom, but you're not alone in your feelings. I'm not sure what the answer is, I guess only you will know the point where you've really had enough. It's hard when you feel more alone in a relationship than out of it ...

Thanks @Valentine259. So sorry you are in a similar place.... I never imagined I'd feel like this, it's bleak isn't it.

A whole new world awaits you out there. Please don't waste the rest of your life with someone who drains your enjoyment of it. Life is short.

Or, to look at it another way, life can be very long. As you say, in another 30 years' time do you still want to be wondering the same thing?

You have so much to find out about the world and what makes you tick. Find a way to start soon!

Very .... I am doing my best by working a lot and going out and being social. I've also saved some money independently which makes me feel a bit more secure. I know at least four other friends going through a similar situation, so we are not unique, but nevertheless still very sad

We have one fucking life - and you clearly have a zest for it, OP.

I can't advise as to the logistics, I was in my mid 30's when I divorced the cantankerous and abusive twit that I married - so I do appreciate the life stages are different, but one things remains the same: life is really, really short for all of us actually. And fuck me. Life is so much better now.

Go and see a solicitor - they will be best placed to advise according to your own circumstances, and it's just a visit - you can take your time with the information they give you; no need to make a decision straightaway, but regardless of the decision you do make, at least you will be making it with the hard facts re the finances and practicalities.

I wish you the best! 🌻

Obviously splitting up would come with the expense of living alone but it’s a toss up of what makes you happy.

In the short term why don’t you make plans without him? Book fun days out, trips and holidays with friends/family or go solo.

Most of my female friends know. I'm kind of making noises about it to make sure it actually happens and I don't back down.

I told him I wanted an amicable separation. He doesn't. He is trying hard but for me it's too late. I'm biding my time atm due to various situations with older kids but plan next spring to get the house on the market then we can split the proceeds and each get our own place.

If you want to pm me to chat please do. It's really tough and needs strength.

What are your circumstances OP? Own home/mortgage? Renting? What about pensions? That’ll be factors in how comfortable you’ll be splitting.
I turned 40 and found out just how miserable my H was after I had an accident. I realised now was the time - while I could still sort a new home. Our divorce cost a fair bit just because the financial split was a bit complex. It wiped out any savings and I’ve been pretty skint the last couple of years. Got promoted and earning a bit better now which helps.
But the key thing is I am so much happier now. No miserable sod stomping around the house. Met a nice fella and we have amazing chemistry. I’d forgotten how much fun life could be.

Silver splitting is all the rage. Life is too short and nobody wants to get stuck in lockdown with a tedious partner again. Get some legal advice OP.

Gosh, this is so similar to my own situation. We split earlier in the year- completely instigated by me. I had made it clear how unhappy I was for several years, and 'pulled the trigger' at a time I thought would impact our DC the least - no exams etc, at a time both were settled at uni.

I feel free! So happy, and the DC fully understood and were / are supportive.

Life really is too short. Do it!

Thanks, just want to get them settled first then can move forward.

Now complicated by the fact a friend kissed me completely unexpectedly at the weekend but hasn't really made contact since. So it's stirred up all sorts of feelings.

Going to get dressed up and go out dancing with the girls tomorrow night and just have some fun. Life is too damn short

Again very similar experience, age about the same, smaller gap between us, basically feels like we live together and nothing else, financially secure but wouldn’t be if we split,no similar interests, almost zero intimacy, though truly less on DWs part than mine but after constantly being pushed away you almost stop trying, sex is just not important to her but is to me, really probably time to accept the inevitable but something just makes me keep trying, no easy answers is there

There really are no easy answers 😕 especially when you are breaking up a family. No matter what age the kids are it's bound to affect them. So bloody hard.

But my parents stayed together "for our sake" and that messed me up for life! Kids notice much more than we realise, and want us to be happy. I used to lie awake at nights longing for them to part, but feeling unable to say anything because we were all supposed to pretend everything was fine.

Seeing parents sacrifice their chances of a better life in favour of not rocking the boat does not set a good example. Seeing my parents endure each other until their mid-90s did not fill my heart with gladness.

@AcceptAllChanges thanks, that helps tbh xx

This is exactly what I want.

I have 3 sons and I think they will find it tough tbh.

Hmm, you say you're not interested in getting a new partner? So you'd be divorcing in order to be happy and single?

Then tbh I really don't see why you can't have the best of both worlds. You can stay married and also spend time apart. You say you're financially secure so go take a month long cruise by yourself, or travel to Italy on a group tour, or go on a walking holiday with friends in Scotland, whatever floats your boat.

There is absolutely nothing that means married couples have to remain glued at the hip. Go enjoy your life, come back to spend some time with him, rinse and repeat. It's not all or nothing, it can be both.

I'm not sure about that. Sometimes we just have an instinct that we need to change and grow. Being stuck in a relationship sets our whole outlook in stone, because we're shaped around our partner's needs.

OP do you feel like you need to separate or could you fulfil your own desires for adventure and travel without him while still staying in the home? Could you move to a separate room and be companions?
Or would you like a fresh start with a new relationship in time?