30 year marriage deadly dull... don't think I want this anymore

[Idontthinkilovehimanymore]

This has been brewing on my side for years. I seriously question why we are together... I'm a young 56 and he's an old 63. We have little in common. We have separate hobby's and interests... me more than him.... im quite outgoing and need other people in my life for friendship and support and fun. Hes dull and boring and miserable alot of the time. He's an introvert, I'm more extrovert. He doesn't even want holidays or trips out anymore. We have not been sexually attracted to each other for years and have no intimacy. We have enough money I think.... we are fortunate in this. We are both retired and I want adventures and fun and travel and he wants to save and be miserly and joyless.

What would life be like apart? I'm fond of him and wish him no ill but I can't imagine spending the next 30 years together in our joyless existence. I'm bored of this marriage. I don't want a new partner or affair, I just want to do the things that please me without the agro I get atm.

We have financial security together... this would change if we split .... ??? Anyone have any experience of this or advice?

He's unwilling to change or work towards change. I always compromise myself and my desires... I feel I loose a little bit of me every time.

I cant be alone in these feelings.

you are making the assumption that he will step up and care for you. If he hasn’t been kind/easy to get along with/not grumpy then he may well become a carer. But what if Mr Grumpy gets dementia and SHE is then expected to take care of HIM? No no - if it’s over it’s over, to spend another 20 years of being bored/lonely/miserable with him in case one gets dementia? Hell no!!

This is so true!

56 & you could potentially have another 30 years to live

I agree, get your freedom & enjoy your life !

Who wants to sit at home & be bored at only 56

I've struggled hugely over the last few years with feelings of panic and deep anxiety at times. I've tried to rationalise it that it was menopause related. The start of this year was especially difficult and then a bereavement of a younger sibling has made me reassess my relationship. My husband was unable to comprehend what I was going through due to our very different life experiences and I stopped even trying to explain. I feel lost and lonely but also calmer. I know that ultimately we want very different things from life moving forward.

Gosh, this thread seems to have kicked off all of a sudden 😊

I was stuck in a dull marriage for almost 20 years, but I was in my late 40s when I left it.

My time was never my own. There was always what I thought of as "the invisible timetable" that I had to adhere to, although no one obviously imposed it (I have tried to write a book about this, with that title, in case my experience was any use to anyone else!).

The thing about being almost 40 is that you're in your prime. I had some wild romantic/sexual relationships, catching up on all the fun I never had when I was younger.

However, it took me another 20-odd years to sort myself out to the point of having a really wonderful second marriage. I repeated a lot of old mistakes, and I had some self-sabotaging core beliefs to whittle away. I was in my 50s when I finally found what I honestly believe is a truly loving relationship.

I think what I'd like to advise is:
Whatever age you are, you're way more attractive to the opposite sex than you realise.
Sometimes leaving a long-term marriage is partly about growing up and becoming an adult in your own right, rather than just following the programme. This takes trial and error, and can take a lot of time.
If you are in a stable and comfortable marriage and yet you still find constantly staring into the gaping maw of change (which is terrifying), wondering if you should split, the answer is yes.
Do not stick together for the sake of children. Believe it or not, this will do more damage than the alternative. At the very least, it teaches them to put up and shut up.

I can't help thinkig of the Chinese proverb, "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time is now."

Imagine living to be 95, as a lot of people seem to. Where do you want to be? What would be your regrets?

The unknown is terrifying, but the known - if it's miserable - is even more so, over time.

Wishing you all the very best 💗💗💗💗💗

EDITED TO ADD: When I talk about the trial and error, my errors were spectacular. In retrospect, I was accustomed to abusive relationships and this pattern tends to repeat. But there's only one way to move on, and that's to get going. Mistakes are valuable learning experiences!
And some of you might not have this abusive background. You might just make better choices.

Sorry, typo! I was in my late 30s!

It seemed really old at the time, but in retrospect I was very young and had lots to learn about life.

However old you are, one day you'll look back on now and think of it as a relatively youthful window of opportunity!

We're the same even the age gap.
Tbh the plan is to start doing what I want or booking things to make him join in.
I realised this yr he will do stuff adult DD organised so really it's just laziness.
When we do go out he behaves better in public.
Watching him bed rot or watch sport until we die...no thank you.
Also I'm de sensitising on public transport as I need to get out more after yrs of anxiety.

@AcceptAllChanges thanks for your insight, that really helps.

My gorgeous mum is 82 and has a man begging her to marry him so I think it's never too late. She's not interested in actually marrying him, as she's really happy on her own since my dad died but this fella is a really lovely man and they spend a lot of time together.

I am feeling better today. My house feels my own, it's looking really tidy and clean. My kids are absolutely fine about the split because there was no infidelity, it was just a matter of the relationship no longer making either of us happy. Feeling really positive about the future this morning 🌄

Oh that's wonderful to hear, @PeachyKeane ! Lovely to hear that you are thriving! And your mum too 💗

As you're both discovering, actually, living alone can be rather wonderful... and certainly much better than being with someone who drags you down or inhibits your life.

I've finally filed for divorce!!! He won't sell our family home but I've put another small property on the market and and just pushing ahead with my move. It feels great!

It's interesting to see this thread in comparison to the one where someone has posted about her husband saying that's it the marriage is over.

@PeachyKeane did you discuss any of your issues at all with your H or did you not and announce it as a done deal?

Op when you say he’s not willing to change, does he know for sure where you stand? Dh had a talk with me before, saying we’d gotten very complacent and to me it was a very much in passing comment about where we were around each other, had he sat me down and said I think this needs to go better or I don’t know if we’ll make it Id have made more of an effort, more date nights, more going places etc etc When he told me he’d fallen out of love over time it was honestly the biggest shock of my life, he absolutely pulled the ring and broke my heart, my life has been one foot in front of the other since. It’s just really a mixture of let him know and be sure I suppose

I've been trying to discuss it with him for the past 10 years or so. But he just didn't want to hear. The past 2 years I've stepped up making my life how I wanted it, tried to get him to join in, then ultimately decided to go ahead without him. I broached an amicable no fault split about 2 years ago, then had a long evening of thrashing out all the issues about a year ago. He has said in the past whenever I have expressed dissatisfaction that he'll change. He does for a bit then slips back. It all feels a bit fake whilst he's trying, like he's only doing it to shut me up.

Trying not to be morbid here OP;the average Uk life expectancy is 83 for a woman:you're only 56 and people are living much longer year on year.

My point is OP you could easily have another 30-40 years on this planet and could spend them being happy living the life you'd like to lead.

If so inclined you could meet someone else and potentially that person could be the absolute love of your life.

Life's too short;if you want to separate then go for it.

Just read this thread and relate to your post PeachyKeane

I have been trying to talk with my husband but he won't engage, he does things to 'change' but that's not him.

This is why the notion of until death do us part is a nonsense.

6 weeks on, I am so incredibly happy, I have definitely done the right thing. I am glowing with vitality and enthusiasm for life. The dementor who was draining all the fun out of my life is gone. I'm focusing on myself, my health, my kids, my job, my friends. I've dropped a stone as no longer comfort eating, I'm doing lots of yoga and pilates so am fitter than I have ever been.

Life is amazing.

It's interesting. I've known at least two couples who split after 40-50 years together. While it seems crazy from the outside to throw it all away, I think in both situations there was one partner who looked at their marriage and thought, like you, "I can't do this for the remaining 2-3 decades that I have left."

It would be a hard decision to leave, but not impossible or unprecedented.

Might be worth trying to get your husband to cheer up a bit first by working on the relationship. If it makes no difference, at least you'll know that you tried. Have you told him how his behaviour's dragging you down? Is he depressed?

That's amazing to read, Peachy! Well done! Hopefully I'll feel the same when my divorce is done at last. Dementor is so accurate.

You have become one of those women😁

You know...the one's that look absolutely AMAZING after ditching the twat husband.

My tennis/golf club has half a dozen+++.

Drop a stone, new hair cut, wardrobe updated, skin glowing, eyes bright.
Everyone they meet telling them wtf.

Yep...you have become one of them😁
Total energy reboot.

Good for you, enjoy every minute.
#adfordivorce

Are you brave? Like travelling, Europe etc? Buy a campervan and join groups of single adventure seeking women. Lots of groups on fb to give advice and info. Sounds extreme but never a boring moment… always something on the horizon.

We have a campervan, he's left with it though. That's a battle ahead as I have a couple of other amazing now single women friends who have them. We did a couple of festivals this year but are definitely planning a travelling convoy in a year or two once my youngest is a little older.

Love this. Absolutely sums it up. I am like Tigger bouncing around. I have to remember to tone it down sometimes when I see mutual friends 😁 so I don't look too heartless. I am so, so happy.

I'm 57 and finally in my own home after being separated for 7 yrs. It's been hard and I could have given up for an easy but unhappy life. I'm so glad that I stuck it out.
So looking forward to the next chapter, all on my own terms.
Look forward and keep going. Hopefully it won't take as long as it did me!

You are a long time dead is all you need to know