30 year marriage deadly dull... don't think I want this anymore

[Idontthinkilovehimanymore]

This has been brewing on my side for years. I seriously question why we are together... I'm a young 56 and he's an old 63. We have little in common. We have separate hobby's and interests... me more than him.... im quite outgoing and need other people in my life for friendship and support and fun. Hes dull and boring and miserable alot of the time. He's an introvert, I'm more extrovert. He doesn't even want holidays or trips out anymore. We have not been sexually attracted to each other for years and have no intimacy. We have enough money I think.... we are fortunate in this. We are both retired and I want adventures and fun and travel and he wants to save and be miserly and joyless.

What would life be like apart? I'm fond of him and wish him no ill but I can't imagine spending the next 30 years together in our joyless existence. I'm bored of this marriage. I don't want a new partner or affair, I just want to do the things that please me without the agro I get atm.

We have financial security together... this would change if we split .... ??? Anyone have any experience of this or advice?

He's unwilling to change or work towards change. I always compromise myself and my desires... I feel I loose a little bit of me every time.

I cant be alone in these feelings.

So I have bitten the bullet and decided to push for a separation.

This sums up my reasons exactly:

"However I do not have a partnership and I don’t have someone that I love and want to be intimate with. Plus I would rather spend time with the DC, go out with friends or at work than with DH 😔. To be honest I feel lonely in a fundamental part of my life: I want to share so much that you cannot share with friends.."

Might not find the one, but can at least have some fun trying....

Congratulations on taking that terrifying first step.

We are so afraid of making such dramatic changes in life, especially when superficially things are comfortable, that for us to keep even contemplating it is proof that something is wrong.

It can take many years to find out just what was missing, but you can be sure that a LOT is missing and one day you will look back and be incredibly proud of yourself for having acted on that instinct.

Thank you that means so much. It is terrifying but like you say, more terrifying not to act. If there is the chance I can find love, affection, fun, then I have to try for it. I know for certain if I go on like this I will never know it again.

I promise you, life will improve and your courage will be rewarded. It won't always be an easy ride, but you will learn a lot and it will all be worth it 💗

This sums it up.

Thank you 😊 🙏 💓 I am excited really. Know it's going to be hard, but at least I will feel alive.

Following as I'm in a similar situation but without the financial stability. What an idiot! 🙄 Trying to work out if I really feel this way or it's perimenopause talking.

It's hard when you feel more alone in a relationship than out of it ... This really rings true for me. Dh doesn't seem bothered that we never talk or do anything together and I'm fed up of suggesting things and getting knocked back.

My brother said its generally lack of finances that keeps people together in unsatisfactory relationships. He's right. It'll be harder for me, but I figure it'll be worth it.

I've felt like I've shut down all my emotions so tight, like a Stepford Wife. Might be a menopausal mid life crisis. But a friend called it a mid life reassessment which sounds much better. Assessing what works, what doesn't, and taking steps to fix it.

Following as I'm in a similar situation but without the financial stability. What an idiot! 🙄 Trying to work out if I really feel this way or it's perimenopause talking.
It's hard when you feel more alone in a relationship than out of it ... This really rings true for me. Dh doesn't seem bothered that we never talk or do anything together and I'm fed up of suggesting things and getting knocked back.

Another one here. I have come to the conclusion it is not the peri-menopause but yes, a reassessment of life.

I'm lining things up now. It's going to take a while but I will get there. Things are gradually falling into place. I have had children later so this is an added layer to the situation.

Watching with interest.

And yes to the shutting down of emotions. This has happened to me too.

Another one here who can SO relate to this scenario.

My friends parents stayed together in a loveless marriage, socialised separately and had their own friends. The marriage was tolerable for them both until he had a stroke and became bed bound. His wife was then in the position of carer and the resentment was palpable. Both were desperately unhappy and my friend said they should have split up years ago. I'd hate my children to think that of their parents.

I have another friend in real life in the same situation so we are supporting each other.

She's just texted me:

"Aye, it's the extended family that is affected too.
His family know it's coming but don't want it to "you've put up with him for 30y why not carry on?" "because I don't want to put up with it for another 30y!!

We women support each other so much, we are so strong 💪

Having good finances puts you in a wonderful postion OP.

Leave him and do all the lovely things you want to do, live the life you want to live, while you can.

Many women at this age make similar decisions.

https://poornabell.substack.com/p/in-the-restful-houses-of-women-who?r=8zwv3&utm_medium=ios&triedRedirect=true

I love that article thanks for posting.

Totally agree. My marriage is how OP describes hers, minus the grumpiness.I just walk the dog ,holidays and short breaks with friends ,lunch ,dinners with friends.
Not in an abusive ,toxic marriage,just sooo boring and he has very specific hobbies that don’t remotely interest me.
We are fairly comfortable and have paid off mortgage but if we split it would really affect our financial security.

I think there is a huge assumption in society that being in a relationship makes us happier, and is "better".

Its a mass delusion.

Being in a relaionship is absolutely a fine opton for those that want to choose to be in one.

Being single, long term on your own (not "waiting for a man/woman" "single") is a wonderful choice more and more women are making.

I hate being described as "single" now - I do not wish to be defined or described in relation to other people. That I choose or don't choose to be in a romatic attachment is only relevant sometimes but it is asked all the time. Think of every questionaire you've ever filled in and you will be asked if you are "single" or not.

Regardless of all these very irritating and annoying assumptions (all designed to bake in the idea that there is something wrong with you if you aren't in a relationship or seeking one), being older and living independent from other adults is a vibrant and wonderful option.

Well done, you've made a big step towards a new future, so pleased for you 😊.

I'm taking each day as it comes, not thinking too far ahead, but in my head I have a three year plan - save as much as I can and if things aren't any better (my husband has health anxiety to add to the mix, so I'm unsure if this situation is a 'blip' or the new normal) then I should be able to take on the bills myself while he gets a flat locally (this has been mentioned on his side already). It's really not where I saw myself heading, but life is never set in stone I guess 😐

So many women feel like this.
The thing is that sadly some men morph into deeply grumpy people that are unpleasant to be around.
Women desperately need their friends, never more so than as they age.

OP, you are on the right track by having a life apart from him.
You need to get hard financial facts to see what a split would mean.
Assets, pensions, house value.
You need to dig into where you would stand.
It doesn't need to be acrimonious.
You want different things at this point of your life.
Ending up as carer to a miserable, grumpy, controlling man is to be avoided if possible.
If you are getting aggro from him for living your life and going out that is controlling, coercive and abusive.

Do not be afraid of calling it what it is.
Call Womens aid for a chat, it might give you clarity.
You have every right to live your life as you wish.
Tell close friends the truth so you have support.
But most imported is get your finances organised and look for a recommendation for good legal advice.

It sounds as if you’ve had enough, OP so I wouldn’t waste more time on this relationship.

Re. Finances. If you’ll be less comfortable post-split, would make sense for you to go back to work part-time for a few years? It could make all the difference long term.

Re maintaining a comfortable lifestyle, beware the gilded cage! Getting old is bad enough without the burden of someone whose company bores you. Especially as ill health can make the situation worse, as a PP has noted.

I'm really pleased I just came across this thread. I am feeling the same and working out when best to have the chat with my husband to end things.
I'm 40 husband mid 50s, it's like being with a 70 year old.
He never wants to do anything, quite happy sat indoors with his slippers on, every time I suggest doing something there is always a negative reason we can't.
I realise I'm miserable and want more from life.
I don't want to get 20 years further and realised I have wasted time.
The odd times he works away from home I feel so relaxed and happy

Life is appallingly short. Leave him, set yourself free. It can be that simple.

The valentines day cake with the note "thanks for tolerating me" 🤣🤣🤣.

Get out, enjoy life.

Why can't you just go travelling for 6 months? Then decide. Some things we only appreciate when we are missing/losing them. Like a security of a long marriage.