30 year marriage deadly dull... don't think I want this anymore

[Idontthinkilovehimanymore]

This has been brewing on my side for years. I seriously question why we are together... I'm a young 56 and he's an old 63. We have little in common. We have separate hobby's and interests... me more than him.... im quite outgoing and need other people in my life for friendship and support and fun. Hes dull and boring and miserable alot of the time. He's an introvert, I'm more extrovert. He doesn't even want holidays or trips out anymore. We have not been sexually attracted to each other for years and have no intimacy. We have enough money I think.... we are fortunate in this. We are both retired and I want adventures and fun and travel and he wants to save and be miserly and joyless.

What would life be like apart? I'm fond of him and wish him no ill but I can't imagine spending the next 30 years together in our joyless existence. I'm bored of this marriage. I don't want a new partner or affair, I just want to do the things that please me without the agro I get atm.

We have financial security together... this would change if we split .... ??? Anyone have any experience of this or advice?

He's unwilling to change or work towards change. I always compromise myself and my desires... I feel I loose a little bit of me every time.

I cant be alone in these feelings.

I'm in a very similar position (also married 30 years, and told my husband that I wanted a divorce in the summer.

He is just permanently grumpy and it feels like I make him miserable - he definitely makes me miserable.

There's loads more to it - some stuff happened 10 years ago that I have tried my hardest to get over, but I just can't.

Basically, I've just had enough. I assumed he felt the same, but he was v taken aback. I suppose in his head I have moved on from (not forgiven) so much crap.

For me, there's a million reasons to leave and very few to stay.

We're still living together at the moment, which is difficult but I have work commitments here.

I'm going to move back to where my family is next summer, when I've had time to buy somewhere to live near them.

I've given him 30 years and it is scary. I will not be in such a good financial position, but for me it's a worthwhile trade-off.

We're aiming to 'consciously uncouple' - naff phrase but describes it well.

The only issue is he won't agree to actually start the divorce process. It would massively antagonise things if I start it by myself, but I've been waiting since July.

My husband was very taken aback as well. I was surprised as by his behaviour towards me, I assumed that he absolutely hated me, but he claims to love me. I think he loves the idea of me and what I bring to the table rather than me actually as a person.

Another one here.... except it's not quite 30 years (although not far off it) I have 4DC who are still all in school and I am not a massive earner. It will plunge us into poverty. We did separate two years ago and he fell into a deep depression. I felt I had to take him back (the kids and him pleading with me etc...)

I keep telling myself that it isn't really that long until the kids will all be finished school, and that I can use this time to get my ducks in a row...

But I feel so flat and disconnected.

Yes to friends being so important and the very best!

A male-female team of family therapists wrote a really good book Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. It's actually quite common that a man only realises that something is wrong when the woman decides to leave.

I think this is very much the same for my husband - he has a nice life with his pants washed, all the family organising done, presents and cards for his family too etc.

I also massively enable his relationship with our eldest DD - I watched my MIL do this for my FIL and really don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately upon being told their comfortable lives may change men don't take long to wake up to what is ahead.
They are acutely aware of their own comfort and because so many of them are lazy and don't bother with friendships they expect us to limit ours.

Many men become quietly controlling of their wife's time once they retire and it is a massive issue in marriages.

I know of lots of women in their 70's that had to make things very clear that they had their own lives and they had zero intention of sitting at home now they had retired.
These ladies lunch with friends multiple times a week because their MH would deteriorate if they had to lead the lives their husbands do.

Men often like very quiet lives as they age, only wanting their wives company.
Women invariably do not want that and can often find their husbands a bit dull.

Words of love should be taken with a pinch of salt, actions are what count.

How they treat you after 30 years is what is important IMO.

I have to say the last thing I want is another man.

I can't wait to live by myself and just do what I want, have my house look how I want.

www.instagram.com/reel/C_nr4CsAWYe/?igsh=MnQ1bmp0N2IzMThl

This is how I feel!

OP you sound exactly like me. We went away for a silver weekend on our own and I just started to think "Is this what it's going to be for the rest of my life" and I left about 6 months later. I bought a little house and am very happy 15 years later. I was just a domestic servant - cooking, cleaning, shopping etc whilst working full time while he came in at 8, ate his dinner then fell asleep till bedtime.

I've never been happier. You only get one life - don't waste it.

I really feel you on this. It sounds like you've been putting up with a lot of compromise, and it’s no wonder you’re questioning things now. You're clearly ready to live a more vibrant, fulfilling life—exploring, socializing, and just enjoying yourself. And it’s rough when your partner doesn’t share that same energy, especially if he’s stuck in his own ways and doesn’t see the need to meet you halfway.
You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. Plenty of people reach this crossroads, especially after big life changes like retirement, when you finally have the time and freedom to live on your terms. It sounds like you’re fond of him, and maybe even still care about his wellbeing, but that doesn’t mean you have to live a life that feels stifling or unfulfilled.
Some people in your position look into "living apart together"—where they stay married but live separately, giving each person space to enjoy life in their own way without the same daily frustrations. Others might look into counseling, if he’s open to it, or even trial separations to see how things feel. There’s no single right answer, but maybe it’s time to explore some options that let you keep your financial security while also giving you room to be fully yourself again.
Whatever you decide, don’t feel guilty for wanting a life that feels vibrant and joyful. You deserve that

I think one issue is something another poster mentioned about going off travelling and not being joined at the hip- the problem is in some cases going on holidays with friends or go off travelling on your own, frequent evenings out with a friend/s etc- my H simply would get into a right fug about this - even though no kids at home etc- whilst they can't exactly lock you up, even the most pleasant bloke I've learnt can get very pissy if you want to do things 'off your own back' or cause them any inconvenience- One of the things I don't like about being married if I'm honest is that I feel obliged to almost ask permission or check in where I am, what I'm doing- he would say that isn't the case- but it really kind of is and I've been married 28 years. I have a friend with an 11 year old who goes out around 3 nights a week to different things whilst her partner stays home. My H comments on it constantly when she posts on Facebook and says he doesn't know how her partner 'puts up with it' - it's often not as simple as stay married and just go and do your own thing

Oh, I totally get where you’re coming from. That feeling of having to "check in" or almost ask for permission—especially when all you want to do is enjoy yourself—is so common. It’s like, even if they say they’re “fine” with it, there’s always that underlying vibe or those subtle comments that make it clear they’re not. It’s draining and honestly can feel pretty controlling, even if it’s not intentional

Honestly, if he's not budging and you’re feeling held back, maybe it’s time to find ways to just do your thing without feeling guilty. Start with small steps: go out for a night here and there with friends, plan a little trip on your own or with someone else, and let him see that it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Sometimes easing into it makes them realise it’s not the end of the world—and that you coming back happier is actually a good thing!
If he pushes back or gets moody, maybe sit down and be really honest: let him know this isn’t about him but about you needing to live fully. You’re not looking to check out of the relationship, but you do want some freedom to do the things that make you feel alive. If you can be upfront about it, he might eventually come around—or at least realize that getting in a “fug” about it won’t change anything.

The only thing I'd say which may be going against the grain is - does he provide any support that may be useful as you get older - financially, emotionally, would he help care if you became ill, needed help around the home, got dementia even etc?

Just seeing this playing out with elderly DM who made exact decision as you and left an ok but boring relationship to have more fun. She's now alone with multitude of health issues and heavily reliant on me as her child which is pretty hideous for me tbh. I know she regrets her choice. And it's funny how all those friends disappear when health issues begin or - sadly - they start to die off themselves over a certain age.

If you're unhappy in the marriage of course that's different or if he's really stopping you doing things. But if it's basically a "flatmates" situation with no connection or romance but you're getting to do everything you want anyway I'd think carefully about the longterm of losing that financial / companionship safety net, especially if you don't want another relationship.

What "accept all changes" said was so true for me too.
I absolutely begged my mum to leave home with me... I know I was a very young teen, and she was scared of breaking up the home..... but to me (aside from my lovely mum) it wasn't a home, it was tortuous to listen to what I wasn't meant to hear.
The agonies my mum went through.
I felt traumatised that my mum was only staying at home for ME...
So I left home very early so that (in my mind) she could leave..
and in a way she did, but it was painful and oh so many tears and heartache.

When I hear happily married women gas on about "oh it's too easy to get divorced these days", I could cheerfully scream at them... It's NOT bloody easy... it's too flipping easy to get married.

No one should spend there lives in abject misery, it radiates out to all who know and love you.
You may think you're hiding your situation, and there may be a few that succeed, but I'm convinced that staying together for anything other than you really really want to, is such a waste of life.

Take care all...

@Frankbutchersfangs yep- the other week I just told him 2 days before I was going 'up north' to see my son ( not his) for 3 days- I just said it in a factual way- not even 'do you mind if I ' in future that's what I'm doing.

Good woman.
Never ever ask permission for anything, as that implies you believe permission needs to be granted to you.

That creates imbalance.

You TELL him what you are doing and if questioned about it, you respond firmly "why on earth would I, as an ADULT, ask your permission to do something? What a weird thing to suggest"🤔(bemused expression on your face).

NEVER ask a question that you are not sure you want an answer to.

I feel like I've been asking for permission to breathe for years.
Every time I apologize to him (all the bloody time) I say to myself 'sorry for existing'.

@Vermeers actually rather amusingly our son(26) was on the phone the other day on speaker and heard me say to his dad - I'm just popping into town if that's ok -and son piped up saying 'why are you asking if it's ok? He's not got you under house arrest has he'!!

I realise I've done far too much pussyfooting over the years rather than just being matter of fact

@BuffyLovesSpike I think one thing that's only small that I noticed years ago is that when he's decided it's time for bed - he just unilaterally switches everything off, TV, lights - doesn't just ask if I'm ready for bed- just presumes I am, as he is - it's pissed me off for years.

Bloody hell 🙁
I don't have any right to complain, so to speak.
I have Asperger's and so wouldn't relate to the need of going out, having friends etc.
Married for 20 years and no problems, no kids, not even dull.
But when the OP said they are quietly sorting out their own place, that really resonates.
Not to be outgoing, but to shut the door of my apartment and live happily ever single. 😊
I feel a bit shitty saying this, as I should have realised when young that I would be a happy loner, rather than anything. My husband doesn't deserve to be abandoned.

Wish you all good luck 🍀 and a lot of fun, your way, not looking over your shoulders.

My Mum divorced my Dad in her late 50s. 8yrs later and she is happier than ever. She has even remarried to someone who suits her better, they enjoy holidays and nights out all the time.

This sounds exactly like me except we're not married after 14 years together. He would like to but I don't see the need.

I divorced my husband after 22 years and it wasn't because I wanted to be with anyone else (I still don't) but i think I would have absolutely hated to carry on living with him when I know it's over. It would be impossible to fully move on and forward, that is something we all need to do even if it doesn't involve a new man.

I was absolutely elated when I spent my first night in my new place on my own and a few years down the line I am still pinching myself at times when the joy of having my own place comes over me. It would have severely impacted my quality of life if I still had to come into the kitchen in the morning and see his crumbs by the toaster and teaspoon next to the sink or his pubes in the shower, or shoes thrown in front of the door. In my opinion it's better to just leave and do it properly.

Loving all these positive stories. I am 10 days into my new life, feel bad for ripping up the family but they all seem OK, the kids at least. Not spoken to husband since he left. We will have to arrange finances etc eventually but need time for the dust to settle right now.

I.was so lonely living with him. I feel terrible atm even though it was my decision. Can't eat, sleep etc but I am thinking each day it will get easier.