Everyone is being weird about the wedding

[LockedJaw]

I’ve posted about this before under a different username but I’m having real problems with wedding planning.

I’m 31 and delighted to be getting married, both of us are eldest children so first wedding in a while, we ourselves are quite relaxed, just trying to nail down the venue for next summer. My parents are causing problems but I’ve kind of got that under control (my dad has a new girlfriend, I’ve tentatively decided not to invite her because my mum will be too triggered even though she isn’t the other woman, the divorce is ongoing). Dad accepted this. Between them my parents have ten siblings and all will be invited — my mum has an issue with this but at this point she will just have to deal with it. None of them have done anything to her, she is just pathologically anti my dad’s family now because she’s anti my dad. There is no perspective and you can’t engage with her. So that’s me.

My fiancé’s family has been, up to now, very small and drama free. The opposite of mine! Except for some reason his mum has a real complex about weddings. She didn’t want one for herself, OK. I do understand because due to my aforementioned family issues I heavily considered eloping. But there is no pressure, we can afford and just want a fun day.

We had decided 90 people and the contract for the venue has arrived. 90 was going to be tight when my parents in law announced they wanted to invite 10 of their friends. Our venue has a hard limit. Now my fiancé’s grandma wants to invite 20 more relatives. We said if we could facilitate it then all 30 extras can come, we didn’t mind too much — we just have to check we can use a different part of the venue. Fiancé’s mum is livid. She for some reason really doesn’t like the idea of inviting more relatives, even though she’s keen to invite 10 friends I’ve never met. I just want to get the wedding in the diary and move onto organising other things.

Why is everyone being so weird?

I'd revisit the eloping idea, personally.

Yes that's weird.

I'm struggling to understand why you would be ok with effectively 30 strangers at your wedding.

May be try going to back to basics - literally sitting down with your fiancé and listing who you both want at your wedding and stick to that. It's your day, you are funding it, everyone else needs to get on with what you decide and stfu.

I would seriously put some boundaries in place and be assertive regarding this, otherwise you are leaving the door open for potentially more interfering with eg children / Christmas etc

Good luck!

If you are paying for the wedding I don't understand this dilemma at all. We decided who were to be invited to our wedding. Obviously all our guests were people who we believed would share our joy in such a happy occasion.
If Grandma is stumping up the money for her desired guest list, and you are happy for it to turn into her celebration, that that is the way it is. Similarly for your MIL's guest list.
Do you not want to choose guests significant to the two of you though? I see a wedding as uniting both of your families and friends, not an opportunity for others to dictate attendees.

I don’t think I’d invite those extra 30 people. Are they going to pay the £100 a head or whatever it is for them?!

You need to give a firm no and say that numbers are already confirmed.

Your fiancé's grandma wants to invite x number of people? It's not her party, she doesn't get to invite anyone.

A great piece of advice I was given in a similar situation was that wedding planning sets the tone for how your two families respect you as a separate couple throughout the rest of your marriage, so this is when you need to set boundaries and be firm, not a pushover.

I'd just be very clear with both of them that there is no further space at the venue and if they want to arrange and fund a later celebration with their friends they are welcome to do so.

Eloping sounds better by the day!

They aren’t being weird they are being unbelievably rude.

Are you paying for the whole wedding? If so it’s a nope, sorry, no room left for extras and invites are already decided.

no more conversation

You could invite them all and bank on a quarter pulling out but it’s a risky strategy. Or just be firm on numbers.

I should clarify: we are paying for the whole wedding but grandma has offered to pay for her 20. I like grandma very much and have met 4 of the people on her list, they’re her siblings and their kids. They are nice people. I suppose I am sympathetic because my fiancé is the only grandchild on that side and she’s been very good to me.

The parents have been good to us too so I don’t really see any reason to quibble about payment of their 10 and I’ve met ~5 of them. I’m just confused by this disagreement because there isn’t really a why and I wasn’t expecting it.

The rest of it is on us and we know the all the people.

Do you even know these people?

There were people at my wedding I’d never seen before or since, and if I had my time again I wouldn’t have bothered. What’s the point?

Just say no, it's close family and close friends of yours only. Invites are out and the numbers are set, tables are arranged.

If they say they can't come then, say OK, what a pity we would like you there. You have a few days before we replace you!

It's very bad form to interfere with the guest list if it's not your do and you aren't paying! Your job as guest is to turn up, look and be nice, enjoy yourself or pretend to, and not make it all about you.

You need to unleash your inner bride zilla

Weddings and funerals bring out the weird, that's for sure.

I've heard of mothers trying to get their friends invited but never grandmothers !

Are you and your fiancé on the same page ? If you both together on this - not so much of an issue. If not you as a couple will need to do work on this.

I personally would be kind but firm and tell them - no the invitation list is fixed, the venue booked and that's that. Long, long gone are the days when parents drew up the invitation list.

He and I are on the same page — which is that we’re having everyone we want there, so if it costs us minimal extra and makes people we love happy to accommodate a few more people then that’s broadly fine

Are they financially contributing? There's definitely a school of thought that financing some of it buys rights to insist on various aspects, guest list being a big one. Maybe they are intending to do that?

It's up to you though how you handle it - sounds like you're taking it in your stride but do hold out on things that matter to you most.

It will descend into chaos unless you take firm control of numbers. Trying to keep everyone happy never works, people's will get over not being invited. It's your wedding, you decide who you invite. I would stick with the venue limit of 100 and how rude it is to want to invite your mates. Cut that S#£t

People are always weird over weddings. And funerals for that matter.

Exactly this. Why are they dictating who you invite? It's your wedding.

He and I are on the same page — which is that we’re having everyone we want there, so if it costs us minimal extra and makes people we love happy to accommodate a few more people then that’s broadly fine

I don't see how inviting 30 extra people, only 9 of whom you have actually met, is having everyone you want there. That's having everyone that other people want there.

I spy a very slippery slope ahead if you don't take control and soon. There's the bridesmaids, the menu, the evening entertainment etc etc for people to have their say on. Just say NO Lockjaw !

I got given a great piece of advice - if you don’t have each others phone numbers then they don’t get an invite. In other words if you don’t know them well enough then why are they coming to your wedding

I thought the times of inviting extended family you don’t know/spend a lot of time with or friends of parents was long gone. They have had their day when they could invite who they wanted - this is your day and you want it to be full of the people you want to be there, not people that have to be

Gawd it sounds like a nightmare to be honest! I'd definitely think about taking off somewhere lovely, getting married there and having a fab honeymoon! Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people and as your parents are mid-divorce, I don't think anyone would blame you for eloping! You can always have a big family party on your return.

If on your side there will be ten aunts and uncles (and husbands/wives?) then is your fiancées family feeling ‘small’ in comparison? Are they feeling they will be overwhelmed, and wanting to invite more of their ‘side’ to make it feel even?

Like when you see the respective families on each side of the church and one side is rammed and the other side is sparse?

They are being weird because they have the impression they have some authority over it and they’re trying to use that to make it into the party they want. You need to shut that down.

If they ask for something just say something like “We’ll think about it.” Don’t agree or disagree. Don’t discuss the plans with them. Just tell them you’ve heard what they have to say and you and DFiancé will consider it and make your decision later. If they push you to tell them then say something along the lines of “We want the day to be a surprise. If you need to know our decision, then the answer will be ‘No’.”.

So basically both families are trying to hijack your wedding and make it about them. Stick to the people you’ve invited yourselves, or elope!