Everyone is being weird about the wedding

[LockedJaw]

I’ve posted about this before under a different username but I’m having real problems with wedding planning.

I’m 31 and delighted to be getting married, both of us are eldest children so first wedding in a while, we ourselves are quite relaxed, just trying to nail down the venue for next summer. My parents are causing problems but I’ve kind of got that under control (my dad has a new girlfriend, I’ve tentatively decided not to invite her because my mum will be too triggered even though she isn’t the other woman, the divorce is ongoing). Dad accepted this. Between them my parents have ten siblings and all will be invited — my mum has an issue with this but at this point she will just have to deal with it. None of them have done anything to her, she is just pathologically anti my dad’s family now because she’s anti my dad. There is no perspective and you can’t engage with her. So that’s me.

My fiancé’s family has been, up to now, very small and drama free. The opposite of mine! Except for some reason his mum has a real complex about weddings. She didn’t want one for herself, OK. I do understand because due to my aforementioned family issues I heavily considered eloping. But there is no pressure, we can afford and just want a fun day.

We had decided 90 people and the contract for the venue has arrived. 90 was going to be tight when my parents in law announced they wanted to invite 10 of their friends. Our venue has a hard limit. Now my fiancé’s grandma wants to invite 20 more relatives. We said if we could facilitate it then all 30 extras can come, we didn’t mind too much — we just have to check we can use a different part of the venue. Fiancé’s mum is livid. She for some reason really doesn’t like the idea of inviting more relatives, even though she’s keen to invite 10 friends I’ve never met. I just want to get the wedding in the diary and move onto organising other things.

Why is everyone being so weird?

Do you really crave the whole "wedding" thing - like, is it important to you?

Because if not, I'd seriously consider eloping and saving your money for housing and children.

If you’re ok with it then I don’t really see the dilemma. But I’ve never heard of this before, relatives inviting others to a wedding of someone they’ve never met. Personally, it’s my wedding, I’m paying and inviting only people I care about. Without sounding like a bridezilla, it’s about my marriage not a chance for strangers to have a free jolly with their friends

I was a bit like this and didn't really mind who came to my wedding. In my view, it meant a lot to the people asking but very little to me so why not say yes. I naively thought that it wouldn't really affect the day. But it did.
Whilst all in all it was a lovely day, there were moments where some of these additional guests became too embroiled in having their own family reunion to engage in the wedding events.
I wouldn't do it quite the same again and would caution you about having people you don't know at such a memorable day.

I think it sounds like grandma wants to use the occasion to bring extended family together and as you like her and are open to this I think that’s a lovely thing. I’d probably be less keen on MILs friends. But as you say you and finance are cool with this then fine (if they can fit!). What’s werid is the MIL. Objecting to wider family. I’m guessing it’s her husbands mother and their family? I think you should leave your finance to get your his mum to realise your perspective ie more merrier and point out family re her friends.

Yeah this is where your problems are about to start. You've only got yourself to blame OP because your not taking on board the advice. You say yes to 30 now then when you turn down 5 more your auntie x has invited already your going to cause a family drama.

I love your attitude OP. If it's affordable why not? Sounds like his Grandma is a lovely woman whom you respect.

Your mil needs to back off. You've agreed to her extra, she should be happy.

This is not your in-laws day or the grandmothers day. It’s your day and they’re asking you to accommodate 30 people you don’t know. That’s incredibly entitled. Don’t invite people who don’t love you. Guests are there to support and witness your marriage, not to have a jolly with their mates at your expense.

I don't get why parents want to invite their friends to their children's wedding? And why would you want to go to a wedding unless you know one or the couple getting married close enough to be invited

You have the venue it takes 90 people so go with that and invite who you amd ypur husband want

If your family wants a lovely family reunion then let them organise one.

This is your wedding. It should be 100% about you and dh.

‘Mum, I know parts of this upset you but please could you remember it’s our wedding? And if we are happy for you to invite people we don’t know, could you stop having a go at us for inviting actual relations? You’d be pretty miffed if we said ok we are tightening the guest list no distant rellies and no randoms like your friends.’

Ten friends for your in laws is a lot. Add the 10 to the 20 and that’s over 1/3 of your guests as you and your fiancé don’t count in the numbers.

I should have added, i’d invite family rather all 10 friends.

find another venue and accommodate them all

weddings cause conflict amongst family and I don’t know why

Actually had to laugh at this OP because it's like something that would happen to me.

While it's normally the bride and groom who get the reputation of being the bridezilla/groomzilla I'd be chilled and easygoing and want everyone to be happy and I have no doubt at all that it would backfire and that other people would just cause random chaos and stress for no good reason whatsoever 😂

Why is everyone being so weird?

Unfortunately people just are weird and do weird stuff 😅

You would like my Dragon's Den idea.

A wedding guest lookie-likey agency:

• as a guest, if you don't fancy going to the wedding you hire a substitute, they attend in your stead.
• as a host, you don't fancy having 'difficult' guests at your wedding (weird cousin Bob) but know you have to invite them. You choose a stand-in. Substitute cousin Bob behaves themselves and the family is happy.

Additional services available:

• a carpark fight - two people will stage a fight in the carpark - they will be vaguely familiar to various guests.
• a crying young woman in the toilets. Nobody will know who she is. At some point her friend will soothe her and take her away.

Other wedding reception standards also available.

I think your finances Mum needs to let Grandma have relatives there. For some reason (social anxiety?) your MIL doesn’t like weddings, maybe doesn’t like her family? If you are happy with the extras just invite them

We've just dug out photos out. What a nightmare.
So there's a few of my friends, his friends and our friends but also a lot missing.
Then my mum - 'but we've only got a small family' and who felt (wrongly) intimidated by DH s family, dragged every last relative out the woodwork.
My mum's brothers wife's mum
My long dead Gran's brother's son plus wife (nice meeting them for the first time)
There were more, mostly old, or teenage and a bit sulky.
DH's family responded by inviting 6 neighbours, one of which later complained about the noise.
And DH's sister invited three friends, never met again.

So at 25 years on, I'm looking at the photos, going who's that. None of them gave large or memorable presents and none went on to make the effort to stay in touch. It all continued to go via my mum who adores controlling communication.
And although a significant anniversary, my parents couldn't even make the effort to say anything nice, no fond memories and neither did DHs family, that really stung.

Run away! Keep it small or at least prioritise your friends.

I have a theory as to why people are weird about weddings.

Weddings force you to rank people by their importance to you. Who’s invited. Who is whole day and who is evening only. Who is a bridesmaid. Who’s on the top table. Who does a reading.

And it’s all on public display for everyone to see. So people get weird and upset about what their ‘place’ is versus what they think it is or should be.

If your parents are paying, I don't think you have much choice.

If you are paying, you could sit them down and explain it's your wedding. If that doesn't give an acceptable result I would threaten to wind it all in, 25 guests, ten from each side and your closest friends.

Weddings have got 'weird ' these days.

Why aren't you eloping after this bombshell?!!! 😃
Not being facetious as you've said you can afford to accommodate more. But the shitstorm of having to have friends of grandmother and siblings of groom's parents ad naseum and last minute would drive me insane and would be a very firm no from me!
It is your wedding, not a show or social gathering for your parents or future in-laws. So selfish to bexasking youcthis
That's why I remained engaged for 32 years and married with 2 strangers as witnesses!

Well, this is weird. 😂

Why is everyone being so weird?

People are weird about weddings, OP. They just are.

Even the most drama free families seem to have at least some issues when it comes to wedding planning.

As the bride and groom you just have to lay down the law and tell them how it will be.

Tell your in laws that you are allowing them the 10 extra so of course you're going to extend the same courtesy to your grandma. They need to get over it.

Very honestly everyone i know has bizarre wedding stories, for whatever reason it makes people crazy. Fact.
People are for some unknown reason unable to dress up and eat the free food and drink the free drink.

Have a conf call wiyh them say you dont mind what they decide re guests as happy for all 30 to join but mil and the grandma need to work it out between themselves and come back to you when resolved. Also drop in grandma has the deceny to pay is paying for her demanded guests 😁

My mil and one of my bridesmaids overshadowed my whole wedding and caused a huge amount of stress over really ridiculous things and our wedding was low demand and planned with ease akd convenience for guests in mind

Its perplexing / upsetting but weirdly standard.

Which reminds me: give your photographer a VERY specific brief on the 20 shots or whatever you want so they cant get hijacked on the day

I got married this year. People ARE weird about the stupidest things at weddings.

• my mum getting upset that my dad wasn’t sat next to me in the original draft of the top table (but also insisting that it alternate men and women)
• my dad insisting on proper wedding cars
• my uncle being super odd about taking my grandad to the ceremony (his dad) and suggesting a 90yo get a taxi for an hour on his own (my own dad had transported the same grandad to and from my cousin’s wedding two years previous)
• someone got upset there weren’t teas and coffees available when it was clear I had brought in outside caterers and there was obviously no kitchen / sorry my free bar wasn’t good enough for you.
• Someone thinking it was okay to request a +1 at the point of RSVP 2 months before the wedding for a new partner I had never met and didn’t even know existed
• Extended family thinking it was a totally normal request to want to hang out with us the day after we had got married and being offended when we said we would rather not.

I could go on - my friend’s sister is planning a wedding and that is all getting super weird - apparently there are going to be 6 speeches and all siblings have to be treated the same regardless of how old they are and how close they are to the wedding couple.

God, families are so weird. Especially when it comes to weddings. If you’re genuinely ok with all these extra people being added you AND you partner are just going to have to take a very firm stance with people that YOU make the decisions on your wedding. Shut it down quickly and stick to your guns. Don’t be too nice about it or they’ll just keep on at you. Good luck!