Everyone is being weird about the wedding

[LockedJaw]

I’ve posted about this before under a different username but I’m having real problems with wedding planning.

I’m 31 and delighted to be getting married, both of us are eldest children so first wedding in a while, we ourselves are quite relaxed, just trying to nail down the venue for next summer. My parents are causing problems but I’ve kind of got that under control (my dad has a new girlfriend, I’ve tentatively decided not to invite her because my mum will be too triggered even though she isn’t the other woman, the divorce is ongoing). Dad accepted this. Between them my parents have ten siblings and all will be invited — my mum has an issue with this but at this point she will just have to deal with it. None of them have done anything to her, she is just pathologically anti my dad’s family now because she’s anti my dad. There is no perspective and you can’t engage with her. So that’s me.

My fiancé’s family has been, up to now, very small and drama free. The opposite of mine! Except for some reason his mum has a real complex about weddings. She didn’t want one for herself, OK. I do understand because due to my aforementioned family issues I heavily considered eloping. But there is no pressure, we can afford and just want a fun day.

We had decided 90 people and the contract for the venue has arrived. 90 was going to be tight when my parents in law announced they wanted to invite 10 of their friends. Our venue has a hard limit. Now my fiancé’s grandma wants to invite 20 more relatives. We said if we could facilitate it then all 30 extras can come, we didn’t mind too much — we just have to check we can use a different part of the venue. Fiancé’s mum is livid. She for some reason really doesn’t like the idea of inviting more relatives, even though she’s keen to invite 10 friends I’ve never met. I just want to get the wedding in the diary and move onto organising other things.

Why is everyone being so weird?

it’s a bigger room which is not available on our original date so it would be a week later. That’s a sentimental date for my family (deathversary of a cousin but we are talking many, many years later) but 99% manageable I hope

I don't understand why you're being so passive in your own life and letting other people dictate your wedding, to the point that you're now talking about moving the date to accommodate them! So now you have to move the ceremony/legal bit and potentially all the vendors originally involved will have to rebook and all this because you couldn't say no to some CFs!

You need to set boundaries here because this whole thread has just been you explaining how and why you're going to do what these CFs are telling you to do.

😂

Future MIL is visiting the venue soon as she offered to help so will hopefully give us a read out of what the bigger room is like and then we can make the decision

No No No and for the absolute avoidance of doubt NOooooooo!

This is your wedding. Please do not let your future MIL wheedle her way into the organising of it, meeting the wedding planner, visiting the venue without you etc.

Oh and get the money up front from them. Be really clear, and I mean really clear on how much it will cost your future MIL and GIL. They pay even if they don't turn up pay. I still can't believe you are happy to agree to this. Have you no friends or colleagues who've arranged weddings - please ask around IRL.

Agree! My effing MIL insisted on inviting people my DH was apparently related to, but had never ever met, which meant we had to bin off close friends who we both wanted there.

She then also went behind my back when I’d categorically said I was NOT having DH niece and nephew suited etc and coming down the aisle. She found out where my one adult bridesmaid dress was being made, had a mini one made and paid for and hired a suit

Insisted that as they’d paid they would
be flower girl and pageboy. I was blazing angry and she has overstepped ever since.

DO WHAT YOU TWO WANT!

Not entirely sure what you’re asking as you don’t actually seem bothered that extra people are coming? You’ve said you can afford it and are relaxed about it so I’m not sure what the issue is? If you don’t want them inviting more people then say to them because it may well escalate - oh you let Sue and John come why can’t Steve and Barbara come too and so on. It could really spiral

90 is a very tight limit considering even just the sheer size of your side of the family OP! Do all these ten siblings also have families expecting an invite?
It’s completely up to you who you invite. You are not obligated to invite ten of future mil’s friends nor does Grandma get to invite 20 people! That’s outrageous.
So if you can use another part of the venue that means you can accommodate all 30 extra people? What’s the guest limit there?
People can get a weird sense of entitlement about weddings.