Everyone is being weird about the wedding

[LockedJaw]

I’ve posted about this before under a different username but I’m having real problems with wedding planning.

I’m 31 and delighted to be getting married, both of us are eldest children so first wedding in a while, we ourselves are quite relaxed, just trying to nail down the venue for next summer. My parents are causing problems but I’ve kind of got that under control (my dad has a new girlfriend, I’ve tentatively decided not to invite her because my mum will be too triggered even though she isn’t the other woman, the divorce is ongoing). Dad accepted this. Between them my parents have ten siblings and all will be invited — my mum has an issue with this but at this point she will just have to deal with it. None of them have done anything to her, she is just pathologically anti my dad’s family now because she’s anti my dad. There is no perspective and you can’t engage with her. So that’s me.

My fiancé’s family has been, up to now, very small and drama free. The opposite of mine! Except for some reason his mum has a real complex about weddings. She didn’t want one for herself, OK. I do understand because due to my aforementioned family issues I heavily considered eloping. But there is no pressure, we can afford and just want a fun day.

We had decided 90 people and the contract for the venue has arrived. 90 was going to be tight when my parents in law announced they wanted to invite 10 of their friends. Our venue has a hard limit. Now my fiancé’s grandma wants to invite 20 more relatives. We said if we could facilitate it then all 30 extras can come, we didn’t mind too much — we just have to check we can use a different part of the venue. Fiancé’s mum is livid. She for some reason really doesn’t like the idea of inviting more relatives, even though she’s keen to invite 10 friends I’ve never met. I just want to get the wedding in the diary and move onto organising other things.

Why is everyone being so weird?

My in laws went a bit batshit around the time of our wedding, similar theme. My advice to you is to basically politely decline, ignore all further attempts at trying to make drama and do what you want, it’s your wedding and they will probably love it regardless when the day comes.
Why anyone but the couple think it’s any of their business, especially when not paying, what goes on at a wedding I never got my head around.

Read any wedding thread and you will soon see why having or sending substitutes is a good idea!

People are weird about weddings.

Some people see it as an opportunity for a 'do over' of their own wedding. Some people just see the family gathering aspect and forget there are two families plus friends to accommodate.

Some families have self appointed matriarchs/patriarchs who think that what they say goes even though they aren't paying.

I get you OP. You are absolutely fine with the extra people coming but now you are confused because there seems to be conflict WITHIN your fiances family about it?

is his DGM his dad’s mum? So her siblings would all be your dad’s aunts and uncles etc? I wonder if his mum is annoyed about that?

might not be the case at all but I can’t think of another reason unless it’s her side of the family and she just doesn’t like them that much.

Thanks for all the responses. Without being too outing, my side of the family will be far more manageable because they have to travel, whereas we are getting married in my fiancé’s hometown. My family are very, very far away. This also contributes to my mum’s issue, which is that probably very few of her siblings will come (maybe 1) whereas most of my dad’s will.

The current split of guests is 15 for groom’s family, about 30 for mine due to travelling (Mum keeps insisting “nobody will come”, but we have very diff definitions of “nobody”) and the rest are our friends.

Future MIL is baffling me I must say but she seems to really not enjoy extended family.

I am mulling all this over because as some posters have said it may affect the dynamic on the day. FWIW some of grandma’s list are elderly or living in Germany so she thinks “only” 10 of her list will come, which made me giggle. Between that and the church refusing to authenticate my baptism certificate until I donate money it’s been such a strange 48 hours.

Yes, grandma is her husband’s mother

Welcome to weddings.

What i would say is it will likely only getting weirder

So is she cross that a load of her in-laws are coming then, do you think?

No, because we asked if the issue was inviting her relatives and she said no

hmmmmm. Well I think she either needs to give a real, understandable reason why she is annoyed about it, or it just gets ignored and you invite the people you want to.

I think it’s lovely to accommodate his DGMs wishes if it doesn’t contradict what you want. You’ve also said you’ll invite her friends so you can just tell her you are trying to accommodate everyone’s wishes.

Everyone is saying you should do what YOU want and it sounds like you would like to invite the extra people. So I think you should do that 👌

You say the contract for the venue has just arrived?
I'd tuck that safety away in the back of a drawer somewhere and have a good hard think about what you and your fiancé actually want from a wedding celebration and/or the benefits of elopement.
Honestly, what you've described is the stuff of wedding nightmares.

Tell them you can't afford to invite people that you don't know or say the venue doesn't have the capacity then book your wedding.
I paid half towards my dds wedding, guess how many people I invited? None!
It was her wedding and her and dsil invited who they wanted.
It's not their wedding, you do you and don't be swayed.

You just have to do what you want and stop worrying about others. Let them have their own dramas .

We quartered the guest list and made it our parents problem.

So 100 my parent got 25 invites, my in laws got 25, my husband and I got 50. The parents invited had to include family. That meant my uncle that I never see did not get invited but my god mother's kids did.

My mum wanted her yoga teacher, her walking group but they did not fit into the 25.

This also helped the wedding feel balanced and not one sided on each family.

Honestly I'd lie and say the venue can't accommodate all these extras after all. Oh dear, very sad, can't be helped.

It's a slippery slope and the demands will likely increase rather than be satisfied. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile.

Just decide who you want there and how you want your wedding to look, and stop giving everyone else such a say in it. Otherwise this is going to snowball.

Unless those demanding extra guests are paying towards your wedding, then they shouldn't have a say. Even if they are helping towards costs, it's unreasonable to expect another 30 guests. If your venue has a limit and your current total has reached that, then potentially you may need to change venues. By all means check with the venue to see if they can accommodate the wedding in another function room but ultimately if they can't, I wouldn't be looking for new venues!

Can you have the extra people at the evening reception instead - seems a but strange to have strangers coming to the ceremony but evening reception would be fine

A bit from left field but I am guessing your m'n'law might have a dark secret as to why she has been triggered by her mum inviting extended family members if you add this to the fact she did not want a wedding herself. Any chance she might have been abused by a cousin or uncle as a child?

Weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. My mum turns in to some sort of "head girl" whenever one comes up and tries to push whatever she wants on to other people. We have a funeral coming up (my best friends husband) and she even made a comment yesterday about who was going to be invited to that even though it has absolutely nothing to do with her. My wedding was so stressful because of her.

I would just stay true to yourself and make sure that whoever is invited you and your fiance are happy. I'm sure it will be a lovely day but you need to cut the noise out and not listen to it.

I would absolutely elope in these circumstances !!!

or secretly marry and throw a surprise blessing / party

Oh lord weddings! After 38 years I still remember and try work out why on earth we had some people at our wedding. FIL invited 2 work friends and wives, then invited his brother who he hadn't spoken to in over 30 years (and never since), BIL invited his own friend and partner so he'd have someone to talk to, despite fact his own girlfriend was going. My sister invited her SIL who I knew but didn't care too much for. They all got invited and my parents were afraid of the scandal if I uninvited them so we gave in 🙄 things were a bit different in my home place in 1989 and while we paid for it all, we just couldn't get away with our type wedding.
Run away and elope is my advice.

Why are people being so weird?

Because people are weird about weddings.

I thought my wedding was pretty simple but actually I found it an easy way to fall out with a lot of people in a short space of time. Looking back this was worth it as it made it clear that DH and I were adults now in our late 30s! and making our own decisions.

Everyone involved needs a lot less information about the wedding - let's face it they just need the date. Any requests to add guests 'thank-you but we are planning a small wedding' and repeat.

It seems off not to invite your dad’s girlfriend.

This happened to me, we got married just after the COVID restrictions were lifted there was literally no way we could increase our guest numbers and my husband's uncle fell out with us because we never invited his grown up children (in their 50s) and their children who we had never met. Inviting them would have meant uninviting very close family and friends. Just remind people it's your wedding, your already being VERY accommodating and if they start arguing you will limit numbers to close family and friends only.

I’ve not met her and they’ve not even been together a year. It’s extremely tricky and I’m not 100% against inviting her (especially if we massively expand the guest list) but my mum is incredibly volatile