Feeling hurt! WWYD?

[SpookySN]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. It has been a very fast paced and intense relationship from the beginning. I am still going through a divorce after falling out of love with my STBXH 2.5 years ago.

My boyfriend and I are in our 30's. I have a 16 year old and he has no children.

Our relationship from the beginning has been very sexually charged. It's a very important thing for the both of us. He has taken a few photos of me giving him oral sex in the past few months and kept them in a secret folder.

Last night when we were out drinking with friends, we were all discussing sex quite openly. One girl showed a video of her having sex with another man which then prompted my boyfriend to show others the photos of me in his secret folder. I told him to put them away but because we were all quite drunk, didn't really react any further. Later that evening, the subject of sex came up again when talking with a couple of friends and then a younger girl who told us she is a lesbian. My boyfriend then proceeded to pull out one of these photos on his phone again, tap this young girl on the shoulder and then show her. It shocked her, she gasped and walked away. I was then very upset and again asked him to stop, which he did.

I mentioned it to him again this morning and said he needed to delete the photos because he can't be trusted with them. I feel degraded and hurt. He didn't protect my privacy or my dignity.

He apologised.

I just don't know how to move forward here. Is an apology enough? I am not sure.

Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

This would be a deal breaker to me. He’s completely broken your trust - and the casual manner in which he did it suggests it’s maybe not the first time.

I’m sorry. How are you feeling now?

That’s horrendous. That would be the end of the relationship for me (and a life lesson not to let anyone take photos in the future).

I am feeling really quite hurt. I am not entirely sure how to move forward. He has broken my trust and I just feel so sad. He is quite immature and likes to have a laugh at other people's expense sometimes. I just feel like this was a really shitty thing for him to do.

OP don't do photos like that again as you've got no control over what happens with them as you found out. I doubt they're the first people he showed them to.

Get him to delete the photos off his phone and Cloud. You need to dump him.

That's absolutely vile, get him to delete the photographs in front of you, then dump him.

It was incredibly shitty.

You don’t have to decide anything straight away - do you have friends/family who you can talk it through with?

So not only has your boyfriend broken your trust and disrespected you he has also sexually harassed a lesbian. What a prince.

Once photos have been taken they can be sent anywhere / shown to anyone.

you need to be right beside him when he deletes them and ensure he deletes them from the cloud too.

Then dump him he has shown he can't be trusted and has no respect for you or your feelings.

I went out for afternoon tea with my best friend today. Told her about it and she was furious. She told me it was so disrespectful and she'd walk away if it was her.

Tell him that either he deletes those photos right now, in front of you, or you will call the police and report him.

Actually, scratch that, call the police anyway.

That would be a relationship ending issue for me. But wouldn't end it until after I'd seen him delete every single one of those images.

Do not let any future partner take any of these kind of images/videos. You simply cannot trust anyone else but yourself with sensitive material like that

Good on your best friend. And I’m glad you’ve told someone - it’ll make it much easier to navigate.

You said yourself this has been a very fast paced relationship. The truth is that means you really don't know him very well yet.

Make him delete the pictures in front of you then dump his untrustworthy arse

That would totally be a deal breaker on 3 levels for me 1 he took the photos (did he have your consent for that?) 2 he kept them in a secret folder 3 he repeatedly shared them in front of you (which likely means hes shared them elsewhere too?)

Of FFS! Photo’s of you giving a man a blow job aren’t just for Christmas.

Totally agree regarding not really knowing him yet.

Last night, he gambled around £50 on machines after telling me he had no money to do anything. He gambles on these things every time we go out.

It doesn't help that last weekend, he took me away for my birthday and said he would pay for the entire weekend. He didn't. He just paid for a pain au chocolate and our main meal in the evening. After that, I paid half for everything, including the hotels. He said it was because he couldn't afford it. Then later that night, gambled in a casino!

I just feel a little lost. I have strong feelings for him and we have so much to look forward to! But equally, I don't want to settle for someone who doesn't value me.

"We were all discussing sex quite openly and one girl showed a video of her having sex with another man".

Were these your friends or his? To be perfectly honest I wouldn't be sitting in the pub with people who show explicit sex videos to anyone who'll watch.

You need to get into his phone, delete it and then dump him.

Never let anyone take pics like this of you! You are giving them so much power over you. You have no control over what he does with it, none. He may have already shared it online, why wouldn’t he. If he shows people IN FRONT OF YOU, what is he doing behind your back??

OP, of course you are really hurt. But it’s important to realise that the only ‘way forward’ you need to look at is your own. What this man did was image-based sexual abuse. It’s a criminal offence in Ireland, not sure about the UK
There is no way forward in a relationship with this man. He’s shown you how little he thinks of you. Listen to your wise friend.

Oh I'd chuck this one back. But before having that conversation watch him delete the pics

Unfortunately even if he tells you he's deleted them, you will never truly know that for sure.
I'd walk away now.
He is a dick.
🌸

He's not the guy for you. For many reasons. Great sex is addictive and hard to give up but he's not partner material. Make sure those pictures are deleted everywhere on his phone including recently deleted folder and make sure he's not forwarded them to anyone before you dump him.

Stay around just long enoughb o get hold of his phone and delete the photos. Then ditch this immature, untrustworthy character. Lesson learned, block and move on.

He's a dickhead. He disrespected you in the worst way and violated your privacy. Dump him.