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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't stop thinking about guy I had a ONS with

90 replies

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:10

No judgement needed please.. I've never had a ONS before and I guess this is classed as one and it's a little bit hard to explain briefly..

So, rewind a couple of weeks ago I bump into this guy who I've fancied for ages. We got on well, was quite flirty etc, we ended up kissing and then going back to his and sleeping together. Which was absolutely great.. my problem now is I can't stop thinking about him.

A couple weeks prior to this ons.. I actually went on a first date with someone. The person I went on a date with, the ONS guy knows, they are kind of friends.

But my problem is, I don't want to go on another date with this guy. So I won't. But I didn't make that clear to ONS guy. So he probably is thinking it was a quick hook up; and that I'm going to go on another date with this guy he knows.

He knows I went on a first date with this guy he knows prior to sleeping together.

Yeah it was a nice enough date, but that's all it was. Where as I've felt this sexual tension between me and ONS guy for ages now.. he admitted he has felt that too but is skeptical to get to know anyone due to past heartbreak so purposely kept his distance prior.

I NEVER had any idea he even found me attractive.. so when his friend asked me for a date, I thought well I guess there is no harm in just having a drink and seeing if we get on.. it's been months and months since i first met the ONS guy that I fancy.. so I kinda convinced myself I had to push the ONS guy to the back of my mind and get over the fact I fancied him as I thought he was so uninterested.

What I'm trying to say is, I'd love for there to maybe be something with ONS guy.. but I don't know how to tell if he would want the same? I don't know if he would knowing his friend likes me? But it didn't stop him sleeping with me? Honestly, the chemistry was just amazing. I haven't fancied someone this much in years so I just feel like I have no idea how to go about this.

Do I just tell him that it's not worked out with his acquaintance and that I can't stop thinking about him? Do I just take a step back entirely and hope that he eventually hears things didn't work out with his acquaintance and see if he reaches out? Like it was only one date? Surely that's not classed as being that deep? I know people who date and sleep with multiple people (no judgement)
I'm 100% fine that we both went into it expecting it to be a one night stand. This isn't me saying I've fallen for him or have strong feelings. It's me saying wow; that was amazing and I'd love to do it again, and again, and who knows.. see where it goes if we're both interested in each other! But I don't know if he just saw it as a quick ONS with a girl he finds pretty: or whether he even enjoyed it and would do it again.. or whether he regrets it.. argh! Help. My brain just doesn't know what to do!

OP posts:
username3678 · 17/10/2024 00:13

Does the ONS have your contact details or social media details?

SnowFrogJelly · 17/10/2024 00:14

Contact him and tell him how you feel?

You're overthinking this

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:18

Yeah we have each other on socials

OP posts:
cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:19

Do you think.. arghh. I don't know why I find it so hard.
I guess I feel I'm way more interested in him than he is me. And I wouldn't want to make things awkward I guess.. but also life is too short isn't it.

Thank you

OP posts:
username3678 · 17/10/2024 00:19

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:18

Yeah we have each other on socials

I would message him and see if he shows an interest.

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:22

I guess because he knew I went on a date with the guy he knows.. he said continue dating him, he's a nice guy.. so I took that as he's not interested and continue as I was. But really i wanted to turn round and say 'but I'm interested in you, the other date was okay but regardless of the ONS I don't know if I would go on another date with the other guy as it's you I'm interested in'
So feel like I missed my chance to be honest with him..
🫠🫠🫠

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves24 · 17/10/2024 00:23

'Are you free Saturday night? Fancy a repeat of last time?'

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:24

AutumnLeaves24 · 17/10/2024 00:23

'Are you free Saturday night? Fancy a repeat of last time?'

You guys are way more ballsy/confident than I am!

I guess I'm assuming he has taken it as a meaningless one night stand. But from my part I've fancied him for a while!

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 17/10/2024 00:29

AutumnLeaves24 · 17/10/2024 00:23

'Are you free Saturday night? Fancy a repeat of last time?'

This! Do it. If it's a no then nothing lost. If a yes then you need to navigate how to move from hook up to more! Good luck and post back!

Kat888 · 17/10/2024 00:31

Go for it 🙌 what's the worst that can happen At least you'll know then.

theemptinessmachine · 17/10/2024 00:31

He can't be a very nice guy if he had a quick one with you when the other guy is a friend?

Waitforit7 · 17/10/2024 00:32

If he told you to date the other guy, I’d take it that he’s not interested, but maybe he thought you would anyway, and things have got confusing, maybe he doesn’t realise how much you like him. So you can only reach out, and see if there’s more to this on both sides

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:38

Waitforit7 · 17/10/2024 00:32

If he told you to date the other guy, I’d take it that he’s not interested, but maybe he thought you would anyway, and things have got confusing, maybe he doesn’t realise how much you like him. So you can only reach out, and see if there’s more to this on both sides

Yeah I see your point.
I don't know if it's cos he's not interested, or whether he took me saying I felt bad for hooking up after going on one date with the guy he knows as me feeling like I have more for the other guy.. if that makes sense?
Guess I'll never know unless I ask 😬

OP posts:
cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:42

Kat888 · 17/10/2024 00:31

Go for it 🙌 what's the worst that can happen At least you'll know then.

Very true, thank you!

I guess I just don't want to make anything awkward.. but also I guess it is the fear of rejection. I didn't even think he found me attractive or had any interest so to have a good night with him, and hook up was a surprise to me. I thought the sexual tension I felt when around each other prior was one sided.. but I guess it can't have been? Who knows.. ahhhh. I'll try find the right moment and right words to say!

OP posts:
ForAmberGoose · 17/10/2024 00:50

He doesn't sound that interested if he told you to pursue the other guy. Has he messaged you since or chased in any way?
No harm messaging him yourself and putting the feelers out but I wouldn't be putting roo many eggs in that basket

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 00:58

ForAmberGoose · 17/10/2024 00:50

He doesn't sound that interested if he told you to pursue the other guy. Has he messaged you since or chased in any way?
No harm messaging him yourself and putting the feelers out but I wouldn't be putting roo many eggs in that basket

Very true..
We spoke the day after, he checked in to see if I was alright and said not to feel bad as it wasn't just my actions.
I don't know if he would chase, knowing his friend likes me and that I went on a date with him. From his perspective it looks like me and his friend are both interested in each other I guess.

OP posts:
flashspeed · 17/10/2024 01:02

He just wanted to have sex with you, if a guy who is confident enough to pull off a one night stand wants you he'd make it clear to you.

Balaclava1000 · 17/10/2024 01:05

Just message him, what have you got to lose?

Delphiniumandlupins · 17/10/2024 01:07

Make sure that the friend knows you aren't interested in any more dates. Then message ONS guy. If you don't, you're going to feel awkward if you see him around so you might as well get clarity now.

valentinka31 · 17/10/2024 01:10

flashspeed · 17/10/2024 01:02

He just wanted to have sex with you, if a guy who is confident enough to pull off a one night stand wants you he'd make it clear to you.

This rings true, I'm afraid.

He even told you not to 'feel bad' about it, that it was effectively his fault too. As if it was something wrong you'd done. `Maybe because he knew his friend likes you.

You can't know why he's holding back but it may well be because of his friend. TBH I think you should tell the friend you aren't interested.
And then you could contact ONS guy.

BeNavyCrab · 17/10/2024 01:12

In any worthwhile relationship you have to be able to communicate with each other. I'd be upfront with the guy who you went on the date with and let him know that you don't see having another date together. Then you are free to address the ONS and say that you just wanted to set the record straight. You aren't seeing his mate any longer and were wondering if he felt any interest in investigating a relationship with you. You don't have to go into how you can't stop thinking about him etc, until he replies to you.

I'd also suggest that you are clear both in your head and with Mr ONS about the type of relationship you're after. Is it more fun exciting sex or something long term exclusive.

Opentooffers · 17/10/2024 01:19

Ew, he contacted you to say "don't feel bad" as well as having said you should carry on dating his friend. That's a clear indication of where he's at, and you're not listening and still mooning over him. He's coming across as a total creep saying that. You've fallen for the 'bad boy '. His unavailability has hooked you, oh dear! This is not a good guy, he might be right in that the other one is. Basically he had a ONS with someone he knew his mate was interested, just for a shag and to see if he could tempt you away. He wasn't even risking upset for a possible relationship, he just doesn't care about the other guy either, some friend.

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 01:22

Just to clarify.. he said not to feel bad as I said I felt bad after going on a date with his friend, then hooking up with him. To which he said not too, it is what it is and made sure I was okay.
To me that comes across as pretty genuine and not creepy..

And to clarify, I have told his friend I don't see him in that way. Which I think would be the case one night stand or not. I got quite a friendly vibe from the date and wasn't sure whether I'd see him again anyway.

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 17/10/2024 01:28

Where as I've felt this sexual tension between me and ONS guy for ages now.. he admitted he has felt that too but is skeptical to get to know anyone due to past heartbreak so purposely kept his distance prior.

Most of us have heard that line OP, it's straight out of the ONS playbook. He isn't interested in anything but sex with you. It's designed to get you into bed for the occasional shag when he feels like it. It makes a lot of women want to beg him for a chance so they can change his mind and win his heart.

Absolute classic player line

He has given you no indication he wants to date you, he has checked in, he has suggested you go out with his friend he knows how to contact you. He has had every opportuity to offer you more or just one date but hasn't. If he was interested he would have.

Nothing wrong with an ONS when you are both free and single but many are just that. Park it as a nice memory, if he is interested in more he will ask if yo chase him he will most likely just take whats on offer and then take the piss.

cluelessgirly · 17/10/2024 01:32

MarkingBad · 17/10/2024 01:28

Where as I've felt this sexual tension between me and ONS guy for ages now.. he admitted he has felt that too but is skeptical to get to know anyone due to past heartbreak so purposely kept his distance prior.

Most of us have heard that line OP, it's straight out of the ONS playbook. He isn't interested in anything but sex with you. It's designed to get you into bed for the occasional shag when he feels like it. It makes a lot of women want to beg him for a chance so they can change his mind and win his heart.

Absolute classic player line

He has given you no indication he wants to date you, he has checked in, he has suggested you go out with his friend he knows how to contact you. He has had every opportuity to offer you more or just one date but hasn't. If he was interested he would have.

Nothing wrong with an ONS when you are both free and single but many are just that. Park it as a nice memory, if he is interested in more he will ask if yo chase him he will most likely just take whats on offer and then take the piss.

Edited

But I don't even know if I'm interested in more than a sexual level?
I don't know him all that well personally.
Yeah we had a good laugh together, it was flirty and it was great sex.. but it may not be more than that.
I'm not sitting here saying I'm committed to all of a sudden want to start dating him. I fancy him yes, but on a deeper level I don't know that.
Would I like to know? Sure! Would I like to sleep with him again? Sure! Is it just a FWB situation? I don't know!!

It was a very enjoyable night, which I'd like to do again and that's as deep as it is for me right now.. yeah I fancy the pants off him!! But I'm not saying I'm in love with him or falling for him like it seems to be coming across

OP posts: