Can't stop thinking about guy I had a ONS with

[cluelessgirly]

No judgement needed please.. I've never had a ONS before and I guess this is classed as one and it's a little bit hard to explain briefly..

So, rewind a couple of weeks ago I bump into this guy who I've fancied for ages. We got on well, was quite flirty etc, we ended up kissing and then going back to his and sleeping together. Which was absolutely great.. my problem now is I can't stop thinking about him.

A couple weeks prior to this ons.. I actually went on a first date with someone. The person I went on a date with, the ONS guy knows, they are kind of friends.

But my problem is, I don't want to go on another date with this guy. So I won't. But I didn't make that clear to ONS guy. So he probably is thinking it was a quick hook up; and that I'm going to go on another date with this guy he knows.

He knows I went on a first date with this guy he knows prior to sleeping together.

Yeah it was a nice enough date, but that's all it was. Where as I've felt this sexual tension between me and ONS guy for ages now.. he admitted he has felt that too but is skeptical to get to know anyone due to past heartbreak so purposely kept his distance prior.

I NEVER had any idea he even found me attractive.. so when his friend asked me for a date, I thought well I guess there is no harm in just having a drink and seeing if we get on.. it's been months and months since i first met the ONS guy that I fancy.. so I kinda convinced myself I had to push the ONS guy to the back of my mind and get over the fact I fancied him as I thought he was so uninterested.

What I'm trying to say is, I'd love for there to maybe be something with ONS guy.. but I don't know how to tell if he would want the same? I don't know if he would knowing his friend likes me? But it didn't stop him sleeping with me? Honestly, the chemistry was just amazing. I haven't fancied someone this much in years so I just feel like I have no idea how to go about this.

Do I just tell him that it's not worked out with his acquaintance and that I can't stop thinking about him? Do I just take a step back entirely and hope that he eventually hears things didn't work out with his acquaintance and see if he reaches out? Like it was only one date? Surely that's not classed as being that deep? I know people who date and sleep with multiple people (no judgement)
I'm 100% fine that we both went into it expecting it to be a one night stand. This isn't me saying I've fallen for him or have strong feelings. It's me saying wow; that was amazing and I'd love to do it again, and again, and who knows.. see where it goes if we're both interested in each other! But I don't know if he just saw it as a quick ONS with a girl he finds pretty: or whether he even enjoyed it and would do it again.. or whether he regrets it.. argh! Help. My brain just doesn't know what to do!

I enjoyed that night, fancy another?

He's a guy, it's that simple.

um … ‘fancy a repeat of last time’ – blindingly clear that it’s a sex-only invitation.

Just text him a friendly message and see where it goes.

No-one knows what's in his head (he might not even know himself).

But, for your own peace of mind, why don't you leave it a couple days and then message him and say something like "hey I've decided to let x know that I don't see him as more than a friend. Last week was so much fun wasnt it?! Thanks for a great night..."

I'm sure he'll get the hint!

I don't know how to tell if he would want the same?

In my experience, if a bloke has shagged you and wants to do it again, they will make it very clear and will leave you in no doubt about the fact.

Don't contact original date guy again and let that lie. Contact ONS guy and say you're interested. What's the problem here?

I think the problem is the fear of rejection, possibly feeling vulnerable having exposed oneself, literally, and saving face should he not want a repeat.

If you want someone to be enthusiastically keen and pursue spending time with you, then if he doesn't get in touch, he's not it. If you've got a gut niggle and you're wondering if he likes you, he doesn't, and you risk becoming someone's convenient leg over til he finds something better, which is fine if that's what you want. I feel that you maybe don't OP.

do you not speak to someone you're having sex with?

He might not contact her because he thinks she's dating a friend, nothing wrong with her making the first move it's not 1950

What does that have to do with anything?

OP was concerned he saw it as ‘just a hookup’ which implies she is looking to date him, not just sex-only, and that message heavily denotes it’s sex-only. And I asked OP that question, so she can answer for herself if she wants to.

Asking him for an actual date would be the way to lead that conversation.

I wouldn't keep bringing up the acquaintance that you had a date with - he probably thinks you keep bringing him up because it's him you'd rather be with! Forget the acquaintance and just message the ONS asking if he fancies going for a drink at the weekend and see what he says, if he makes excuses then just say 'no worries' and leave it. If you go out and he brings up the acquaintance then you can tell him you're not interested, otherwise just drop it!

For a website that plays such a big role in advancing feminism in society, there aren't half a lot of posters who want the OP to act like a Middlemarch character. Not all men valiantly chase women they're interested in - a big shock but men can be scared of rejection too! OP, if I were you I would message him saying you had a nice time last time and you'd like to meet up at the weekend if he's free

I wouldn’t message him, if he has you on socials, I would be very busy and fun/unbothered by him. Men are way less likely to factor a distant friend into whether or not they chase after a lady they are interested in. They aren’t wired that way. If you were the other lads girlfriend that would be very different. As I say, go out and have fun with friends (climb a mountain, day festival, insert other entertainment) and compose a couple of strategic insta posts (or whatever SM you all use), am sure this will glean you a DM/date offer from your beau. Confidence, fun and sense of humour are all very attractive, neediness, chasing and introspection of one night of fun, could be interpreted as unsexy, particularly if this person has stated they don’t want anything serious.

She should absolutely pursue another ONS if that's what she wants, and she's prepared for her offer not to taken up, but the signs are there, he's told her to pursue the thing with his mate for one.

I'm not suggesting he should be leaping over her garden hedge with a rose between his teeth in freshy pressed breeches, but I think if he is interested in a repeat she'll hear about it soon enough.

I would clear up everything with the date guy (sounds like you already have) then casually pursue this ONS guy. The only problem is he may have some guilt towards this friend, and so may make him hesitant to make a move with you.

You can either let the dust settle with them then try your luck. Or you can strike up a conversation with the ONS guy and keep it light and playful, make it clear he'd caught your eye a while ago (before the date guy).

These connections aren't always easy to come by, best giving it a little shot x

Thank you for the advice so far everyone.. am making my way through the comments!
I am intrigued who is female and who is male based on your answers? Would love to see it from both a women's and males perspective! I know everyone has different opinions but would be interesting to know.

For me, I actually don't often find people as attractive as I do the ONS guy. For no particular reason. It just takes a lot for me to feel chemistry I suppose. The last time I got this feeling was about 8 years ago when I met my ex. Just as a lot of you have seen it's a bit of a messy/complicated situation and part of me agrees it comes across like he's not fussed etc and not to reach out and the other part of me says why not and maybe he is.
Unsure how I'll handle it yet! But am loving reading everyone's options and advice x

I will add. Me and my ex started off very casual after a kiss on a night out and it just naturally progressed. But I was 9 years younger than I am now so different mindset!

We spoke the day after, he checked in to see if I was alright and said not to feel bad as it wasn't just my actions“

Sorry but this tells me it really was just a ONS to him.
You were being dismissed.

If you want another ONS with this guy, then yes—contact him.

If you want marriage and babies—don’t.

That line about heartbreak stood out to me too. When I was younger that’s a line I was fed but funnily enough it didn’t stop him dating straight after he dumped me lol.

It's the pink pather line and the follow up contact (cos he's such a lovely guy) to make sure friend who he knew liked OP and others wasn't going to be contacted or at least if OP did then he could be ready with his side of the story.

Be nice if it came with some originality really..

If he's interested in being with you seriously he'll be in touch. So you don't really need to do anything to make it known that you're into him. You've already had sex with him so he knows you like him. Often men can shag about and it be meaningless, but women get the feelings.

Yeah I've been quite shocked buy some of the responses too!

I'm not suggesting the OP chases the guy but a friendly message isn't going to do any harm!

Well, I think it's more about recognising the signals really.

Nothing to do with acting like a proud and sensitive lady of noble bearing.

This bloke, imo, is not interested in the op beyond the first night together. Or perhaps another shag session.

Can’t believe the comments on here he’s clearly not interested in you don’t contact him again you will look desperate.