Can't stop thinking about guy I had a ONS with

[cluelessgirly]

No judgement needed please.. I've never had a ONS before and I guess this is classed as one and it's a little bit hard to explain briefly..

So, rewind a couple of weeks ago I bump into this guy who I've fancied for ages. We got on well, was quite flirty etc, we ended up kissing and then going back to his and sleeping together. Which was absolutely great.. my problem now is I can't stop thinking about him.

A couple weeks prior to this ons.. I actually went on a first date with someone. The person I went on a date with, the ONS guy knows, they are kind of friends.

But my problem is, I don't want to go on another date with this guy. So I won't. But I didn't make that clear to ONS guy. So he probably is thinking it was a quick hook up; and that I'm going to go on another date with this guy he knows.

He knows I went on a first date with this guy he knows prior to sleeping together.

Yeah it was a nice enough date, but that's all it was. Where as I've felt this sexual tension between me and ONS guy for ages now.. he admitted he has felt that too but is skeptical to get to know anyone due to past heartbreak so purposely kept his distance prior.

I NEVER had any idea he even found me attractive.. so when his friend asked me for a date, I thought well I guess there is no harm in just having a drink and seeing if we get on.. it's been months and months since i first met the ONS guy that I fancy.. so I kinda convinced myself I had to push the ONS guy to the back of my mind and get over the fact I fancied him as I thought he was so uninterested.

What I'm trying to say is, I'd love for there to maybe be something with ONS guy.. but I don't know how to tell if he would want the same? I don't know if he would knowing his friend likes me? But it didn't stop him sleeping with me? Honestly, the chemistry was just amazing. I haven't fancied someone this much in years so I just feel like I have no idea how to go about this.

Do I just tell him that it's not worked out with his acquaintance and that I can't stop thinking about him? Do I just take a step back entirely and hope that he eventually hears things didn't work out with his acquaintance and see if he reaches out? Like it was only one date? Surely that's not classed as being that deep? I know people who date and sleep with multiple people (no judgement)
I'm 100% fine that we both went into it expecting it to be a one night stand. This isn't me saying I've fallen for him or have strong feelings. It's me saying wow; that was amazing and I'd love to do it again, and again, and who knows.. see where it goes if we're both interested in each other! But I don't know if he just saw it as a quick ONS with a girl he finds pretty: or whether he even enjoyed it and would do it again.. or whether he regrets it.. argh! Help. My brain just doesn't know what to do!

Just ask him then, like I say he will probably take something on offer but he may refuse.

You won't know until you ask him. No point worrying about will he wont he when you can find out nice and quickly

This is true:. Thank you.

I'm just such an over thinker and never been in this situation.
I guess I'm reserved due to previous heart break myself. I've been quite reserved around the idea of dating anyone for a long time. So I haven't really dated, nor ever had a ONS until now.
I probably feel a little too emotionally unavailable to date I guess?

Best way to describe it is I fancy the pants off him, big time! Don't know if it's anything more than that. Felt bad cos I had been on a date with his friend prior so made that known, probably giving off the impression I regret the ONS.

What I want as an outcome of conversation.. don't know! I guess just to know he didn't regret it and perhaps would be up for doing it again and if it goes somewhere it does. If it doesn't it doesn't?

Thanks for the advice

He's not that into you.

Your OP came across as wanting to marry and raise a family with him 😆so it's good to clarify that it is just overthinking.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he is interested in a second round to me. He has had chances to ask. He has told you not to feel bad rather than arrange another time with you, and I agree with other PP he is a shit friend to his mates, he is going to be a shit partner even if it is just FWB.

It's up to you but I'd let him come to me rather than do the pick me dance.

This
If he is interested in you wild horses couldn't keep him away.
Men are very simple creatures.
What you see is what you get.
Don't chase him.
He either reject you, or use you for sex (again).

You want an outcome to the conversation.
You fancy the pants off him. At least you think you do, because you don’t really know him.
So get to know him.
Invite him to coffee or lunch.
This isn’t middle school.
This is grownup life.
You have to take life by the horns and live it.
Be brave.
I believe in you.

OP I am slightly cringing reading your post because you remind me so much of me about 25 years ago 😂I would get myself into situations like you're in now, totally overthink it - maybe he's not contacting me because of x, or maybe because of y - coming up with all kinds of reasons that were just so unlikely. These are men we're talking about! They are ruled by their dicks. I hate to say it but I do think if he was super super keen on you he'd be in touch.

That's not to say don't contact him. Why shouldn't you if you just fancy a repeat performance? (Reading between the lines though I suspect you want more.) But if you want to try it, and you're prepared for the possibility of that hideous feeling of WHY? WHY DID I DO THAT? if it doesn't go well, then try it! But I have to agree with a previous poster that the line about not wanting to get involved due to past heartbreak is such a cliche I chuckled out loud when I read it.

You sound lovely and sweet. There's nothing wrong with fancying the pants off someone, or having a one night stand. But it can be easy to get carried away based on not very much evidence. Anyway. Next time it'll probably be you feeling like you could take it or leave it while some doe-eyed bloke is pining for you.

God no don’t cheapen yourself.

I mean if you like the guy as a person then by all means suggest lunch, coffee, a drink, but to contact someone (on either side) to suggest just hooking up for a shag is pretty tacky really.

This is very true.
Men, once they have had a ONS tend to move on- better to definitely not have sex on first date if you are truly interested in a man.

It sounds like he isn’t looking for a relationship/dating based on what he said about previous heartbreak (common line) and the fact that he told you to continue dating his friend. He might be up for more ONS but I wouldn’t get too emotionally invested.

Try messaging him something casual like;
‘Hey, do you have plans this weekend? I don’t have any but I’m up for a repeat of last time if you are’.

Then you could just see where things go.

Why? From what the OP has said she doesn’t know loads about him as a person. She fancies him and says there is sexual tension and chemistry. She obviously enjoyed the sex and would like to do it again. Women are allowed to want and enjoy sex too, it isn’t cheap or tacky to be honest about it. Whether it leads to more or not is irrelevant.

@cluelessgirly what if you pose the question to the ons guy and say would yu consider a relationship ?

then if not you could go back to the date guy ?

The 1950's are calling......I have had sex with loads of blokes on the first night. Some turned into relationships, some didn't, one is my DH.

@cluelessgirly

Did he say continue dating him, he's a nice guy.. before or after you had sex?

It sounds so messy. Do you want a name for yourself sleeping / dating friends?

If he liked you and was interested in you, you'd know.

If there's any doubt or confusion as to whether he's into you, then he's not into you.

Honestly.

I have to say this is true, if they want more they do tend to let you know....

Just ask him out for a drink.

Don’t over think things so much…

@BlastedPimples is totally right - if he was interested, you would know. All this bloke has to do is message you and ask you out, and he hasn't bothered. And it's really not because he doesn't want to cross someone he's friendly with who has been on one date with you - it's not like you are engaged!

But rest assure he will contact you eventually, when he next fancies a booty call. So if that's genuinely all you want, all you need to do is bide your time.

Oh God what unnecessary angst and repetition. If you like him ask him out.

You need to get on with it and ask him out for drink, his response will tell you all you need to know.

He may not have asked you out again because he thinks you re just into casual sex.

This is a one way ticket to fuck buddy town. Are you after that, OP? Doesn’t seem like you are.

He might really like you but is scared of rejection himself as he thinks you like his friend better. Just contact him to say you enjoyed the night, things fizzled out with the other guy and would he like to meet again. If he doesn't respond positively then you know where you stand.

Why would you tell him you felt bad about the other guy, thay screams you want to make it work with th4 other guy and are invested, that’s how I’d read it.

ifs a bit awkward to pull it back, but you need to tell the other guys it’s done . Text him and say it was fun, but just friendship for you.

then give it a few days and text this guy and say fancy meeting up, I had fun, by the way just friendship with x.

No it doesn't. Once she's actually with him, she can make it clear she's not seeing his mate, or anyone else.