What do I do about my MIL?

[Warriorworrier]

Apologies in advance for the following rant. I am honestly so worked up and feel completely at a loss as to how to move forward.

My DH was away over the weekend for work. Two days before he left my MIL messaged me on the family WhatsApp group asking me to come over either Saturday, Sunday or both days. I replied saying I had already made plans (I was heading down to see my family for the weekend.) She then messaged asking me to change my plans as she wanted to see her grandchildren and I should understand that. I replied saying we are all free the following weekend if she wanted to do something then instead.

She didn’t reply to me. Instead she messaged my DH in the same group chat saying “name, I need to chat to you. Call when free”

My BIL and his wife are also on that group chat and will have seen this exchange. I feel a bit humiliated TBH.

DH spoke to MIL after he finished work and they had a huge argument. She accused us both of not prioritising her (which really upset DH because we have made so many sacrifices for her). And she talked about having more “access” to her grandchildren. Which honestly makes me feel sick, like they are some kind of commodity.

She had just returned from a holiday with her friends and she was upset that they see their grandchildren more than she does. We saw her the weekend before she went on holiday at a big family gathering and she spent hardly anytime with them, even though she had ample opportunity.

DH and I called her the next day to clear the air. I didn’t really speak as I didn’t want her to feel like we were ganging up on her but I wanted to be on the call so she knew we were united on this. DH says she apologised but she didn’t really, she gave a long excuse about why she was so upset and then half apologised to DH for the argument they had. She said nothing about me or the WhatsApp messages.

The thing is. Her husband, my FIL died suddenly last year. So she is grieving and going through a tough time. Both DH and I have made so many allowances for her. She has always been pretty self centred but her grief has made her even more selfish. She barely acknowledges that fact the DH has also lost his father. My DH often says he feels like he lost his dad and his mum at the same time.

I have written out a long message to her explaining the way I am currently feeling. Basically saying she isn’t a priority of mine (my DH and kids are) and that when it comes to my marriage and my kids she doesn’t get to treat me with such contempt and then expect me to prioritise her.

I have held off on sending the message, as DH is really stressed with work and I don’t want to add to that. Plus I’m not sure it is the right thing to do. She’s a grieving widow. Even though it’s all true, I’m not sure what good sending it will do.

My mental health has taken a nose dive over the last few days. I go from feeling completely enraged to on the verge of tears. I haven’t slept well and my exhaustion is making me irritable. I have no appetite and I have lost all motivation. I have contacted my GP and have made an appointment but the earliest date I could get is next month.

This isn’t just about this one incident. I guess this is just the final straw, in 20 years of them. My DH is really supportive but he doesn’t want to cut her out off his life and I wouldn’t want to ask that of him. Should I go no contact? Or as low contact as possible? should I confront her?

Don't send the message. Print it out, tear it into a thousand pieces whilst yelling expletives, then set fire to it.

Ignore her for the time being and let your DH deal with it all. She's his mother. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Listen, I get it. But stop catering for her. You have plans, you have a life, and although she may be grieving it does not give her the permission to wade in like that. Dont sent the message. Some people just get a bit lost in what they are entitled to when it comes to children, and grandchildren. Live your life, include her where you can, invite her where you can. But her telling you what to do is not on. Regardless of who she is. This behavior has nothing to do with you either, she probably is like this with others and its nothing new.

Just leave the what's app chat. Dh can arrange to see her whenever he wants. He can ring past you when the dc are free to see her. My ils came every Monday (as we all agreed was fine) if they came any other times I simply kept to my usual schedule.. If that meant taking dc out them dh amused them instead. Wasn't staying home more than a Monday..

First, leave the group chat. Then just leave all MIL related things to DH. Be polite in person and leave it at that.

Don't send it.

Leave her to your DH and stop giving her any head space.

For now, refuse to see her. Have plans every time. Let DH organise all contact.

Do not send the message.

Step away from her and the situation. Leave the family group chat and let DH deal with his mother and her tantrums.

Don't send the message, but leave the chat.

I would let DH deal with her.

Let your DH deal with it. She's his mum.

In a case like this I've archived the chat instead of leaving it so the person who set it up didn't get the so and so has left message.

Do not send the message. It's good you wrote it down and got it off your chest though.

I would just breezily continue with 'sorry, we have plans, let us know if you want to catch up next weekend' and stick to my guns and breezy manner. Are you past being able to do this?

Don't forget her wanting to see you all comes from a position of love and affection.

This is clearly the sensible option

Don’t send the message. No good will come if it. I do hope though that it helped writing it.

it may be useful to read it to your DH though so he understands your feelings.

id certainly suggest to him that you’d like to go LC with her, just you. but that he can go see her, talk with her as usual and take the kids to see her or ask her to meet up someplace so she can see the kids

you don’t have to go. It may well do you some good to have a break from her

I had to do similar with my FIL. He’d angers me so much with done stupid and hurtful comments. I was seeing home with only one of my children because he’d been so hurtful to my DH. FIL is an opinionated asshole with no filter.

I then slowly reintegrated him back in but we go for short visits such as a meal out. Neither of us want his company too long. We think he’s finally getting it as his stupid comments are less frequent.

so I’d suggest short visits when it is in your company. No over night stays in your home nor you in her home. Use hotels or Airbnb if you’re far away. Give yourself a bit of a break from her.

Dont send the messsge
Let your dh sort things out.

DO NOT SEND THE MESSAGE

You will only make things 100 times worse.
If you send the message, she'll show it to all and sundry, and you'll be the villain of the piece to every member of her family and all her friends for pretty much ever.

Withdraw and let your DH deal with this.

Good advice

Backing away and taking back control is very liberating.. I stopped visiting ils at their home. Sent dh with the dc.. Had an afternoon to myself getting the housework done. Much more appealing than her cooking... Nobody said anything because they really didn't care if they saw me or not. So why should I?

Thank you all for your responses. It means a lot and I think you are all right not to send the message. It was definitely cathartic to write it and it stopped all the thoughts swirling around my head but I’m sure you are all right that no good will come from sending it.

I forgot to include in my post that I have already left the group chat. I don’t know if anyone has realised though as when I looked at the group on my DH’s phone it didn’t say I had left which I thought it did?! so I guess they will only realise when I don’t respond in the future.

I think low contact is the way so will go. I’ll let DH handle her and any issues. Honestly, just thinking about it feels like a bit of the weight is lifting.

Thanks again, genuinely. Having so many of you validate my feelings and saying the same thing has really helped. 💐

Gosh Warrior, i could've wrote your post. My MIL became a nightmare after her DH passed and i had the added bonus of a SIL stirring trouble in her ear 24 7.
I hear you.
I stuck it out, held my tongue more often that i should have to and let my DH deal with her.

She passed away 2 years ago and i have never admitted this to anyone, i felt a weight had been lifted off me. She drained me in ways only she could.

Hang in there

She is not your issue to deal with she is your husbands issue.

explain to her that you have enough in your mental load to deal with and rightly so DH is the one who is in charge of making plans with her.

tell her she should contact her son in future to arrange things and to leave you out of it.

Don't sent that letter. The writing out of it is a good exercise, but when you're respectful and logical, and the person at odds eith you isn't, there's no point in trying to change their mind, it just causes big blow ups and its very hard to come back from. Take the high road, don't do as she asks as usual, she will play the victim if you sent the letter sadly.

So your DH was away for the weekend and you were going to your family for the weekend, and she wasn’t happy? Ignore, ignore, ignore. Leave her to your DH.

Excellent advice.
Agree, do not send.

Do read it to your husband, letting him know just how much you want to send it, but won't, ONLY because of how much you care for HIM.
Do not hesitate to tell him how upset you are and the impact of her behaviour on your health.
Does he really want a very unwell wife?

Tell him for the foreseeable future you really don't want contact and will manage this by him visiting his mother with the children alone.
If she asks about you, you are "busy" on a loop. No other discussion.

Silence and unavailability NEVER fail in these situations in my experience.

She doesn't get to behave like that without consequences.
You mind yourself OP, if this bullshit has been going on low level 20 years, it is far too long.

MIL being a grieving widow gives her no right to treat other people badly in the long term.
This is about power and control - as you say, she saw your DC before her trip and paid them little attention. She finds out DH is going away and decides you can be the one to step up. Showing no consideration at all.
You have your own family, too, and it was a good opportunity to go and see them.
I am not in my family group chat or indeed any group chat.
What I never understand with these behaviours is that it means people don’t want to be around you. The only turn up through guilt or because they give in. If your MIL was kind, and pleasant company, and enjoyed having you and your DC around then I’m sure that would be such a positive.
Your DH is clearly a good egg and I feel for him missing his dad.
As PPs have suggested take yourself out of the equation and the drama.
(And by the way I am a MIL of sorts and I love the job! It came to me later on in life, I don’t have DC of my own but any time I get with the grandkids is an absolute blessing!)

100% agree with silence and distance

If it's any consolation, there was a slightly similar exchange in DH's family group chat years ago except that it was BIL being passive aggressive towards his (at the time teenage) DD. Everyone on the group could see that he was being a dick. Amusingly, a teenage cousin called him out on it too. The point is that the exchange between you and your MIL was completely fine on your side, and her then trying to go "over your head" to your DH, ON THE GROUP CHAT, makes her look like an idiot.

I would NOT be getting involved further. Continue with polite, friendly responses etc. You don't need to jsutify yourself to her, your DH is on the same page and it's clear she's crazy.

Oh, and re Whatsapp - new system is that only admins are told when someone leaves the group chat.

That’s what I’d do oP.

I do feel for your position but the message as you have outlined it isn’t going to do you any favours.

You don’t need to send a message at all, but definitely don’t put on record you saying other people are your priority not her. That may well be true and reasonable but it’s not a diplomatic approach. Focus on what you do want to do for her and what you think is reasonable.