What do I do about my MIL?

[Warriorworrier]

Apologies in advance for the following rant. I am honestly so worked up and feel completely at a loss as to how to move forward.

My DH was away over the weekend for work. Two days before he left my MIL messaged me on the family WhatsApp group asking me to come over either Saturday, Sunday or both days. I replied saying I had already made plans (I was heading down to see my family for the weekend.) She then messaged asking me to change my plans as she wanted to see her grandchildren and I should understand that. I replied saying we are all free the following weekend if she wanted to do something then instead.

She didn’t reply to me. Instead she messaged my DH in the same group chat saying “name, I need to chat to you. Call when free”

My BIL and his wife are also on that group chat and will have seen this exchange. I feel a bit humiliated TBH.

DH spoke to MIL after he finished work and they had a huge argument. She accused us both of not prioritising her (which really upset DH because we have made so many sacrifices for her). And she talked about having more “access” to her grandchildren. Which honestly makes me feel sick, like they are some kind of commodity.

She had just returned from a holiday with her friends and she was upset that they see their grandchildren more than she does. We saw her the weekend before she went on holiday at a big family gathering and she spent hardly anytime with them, even though she had ample opportunity.

DH and I called her the next day to clear the air. I didn’t really speak as I didn’t want her to feel like we were ganging up on her but I wanted to be on the call so she knew we were united on this. DH says she apologised but she didn’t really, she gave a long excuse about why she was so upset and then half apologised to DH for the argument they had. She said nothing about me or the WhatsApp messages.

The thing is. Her husband, my FIL died suddenly last year. So she is grieving and going through a tough time. Both DH and I have made so many allowances for her. She has always been pretty self centred but her grief has made her even more selfish. She barely acknowledges that fact the DH has also lost his father. My DH often says he feels like he lost his dad and his mum at the same time.

I have written out a long message to her explaining the way I am currently feeling. Basically saying she isn’t a priority of mine (my DH and kids are) and that when it comes to my marriage and my kids she doesn’t get to treat me with such contempt and then expect me to prioritise her.

I have held off on sending the message, as DH is really stressed with work and I don’t want to add to that. Plus I’m not sure it is the right thing to do. She’s a grieving widow. Even though it’s all true, I’m not sure what good sending it will do.

My mental health has taken a nose dive over the last few days. I go from feeling completely enraged to on the verge of tears. I haven’t slept well and my exhaustion is making me irritable. I have no appetite and I have lost all motivation. I have contacted my GP and have made an appointment but the earliest date I could get is next month.

This isn’t just about this one incident. I guess this is just the final straw, in 20 years of them. My DH is really supportive but he doesn’t want to cut her out off his life and I wouldn’t want to ask that of him. Should I go no contact? Or as low contact as possible? should I confront her?

Did she make the group? Or in laws? Whoever made it gets notified.

Id so want to send that message.

Don't send the message. Everyone on that group text saw what she was trying to do. And what she was trying to do was bonkers - basically telling her son to make his wife give up her weekend with her own parents.

Just step back. Don't take her so seriously. Do what suits you and let your dh sort out the relationship with her.

I’ve got a thread of my own on the go about how I’ve been treated like crap for decades by my in-laws and even my own parent.

I agree that silence and being unavailable are the way to go. I’ve been doing this. I’ve not seen them for months and months. I’ve just got to the point where I can’t be arsed. I’m not making any effort, I’m doing nothing for them. They drain me, they aren’t good for my MH.

I’ve just bought myself a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and you know that I’m going tonight?

I’m going through my calendar booking in nice things for us to do on the dates they are going to try and monopolise.

Oh dear, sorry we are busy.

So I just checked and BIL is the admin so I guess he and SIL (his wife) both know I’ve left and I told my DH I left so it’s just MIL who might not have noticed.

I get that for both of you she is being more needy since he DH died which can be a bit of a pain for you, but the way you explain how it's affecting your MH seems disproportionate. Perhaps you are caring too much what she and other family members may think of you. It's within you and up to you to let what she does and says wash over you. Feeling humiliated because she asked your DH to call her via the group chat is also an extreme response. Perhaps some counselling via GP refer at would help you to work out why it gets to you to the extent of having sleepless nights. Your heightened anxiety over it needs addressing perhaps.
In an ideal world you'd be able to brush off her tactics and neediness or work around it by letting your DH deal with his DM. You'd not care that she wanted to talk to your DH to moan about not getting her way. She can whinge all she likes, but if prior plans are made, she just has to wear it.
It's for you to work out why she gets under your skin so much.

Low contact and grey rock technique for those occasions when you have to be in her orbit.

💯 this and my mil is a similar nightmare

the only person embarrassed Or humiliated by the what’s app nonsense is her because that message was beyond childish.

keep your powder dry

Would also suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. Let your DH continue to deal with her. You as a couple should present a united front re her.

Such types do not respect any boundary you care to set either and have more front than Blackpool so if you give an inch they take a mile.

Burn the message. Release her from your orbit. Hand her over to her son to deal with. Wash your hands.

She's not your issue, she's apologised to your DH, great. Although she may need something from you, you need nothing from her, keep it that way. You don't need to sit at home when your DH goes away for the weekend making your children available for a summons from her.

Yes she has lost her husband, but she's about to lose a lot more than that unless she can start behaving herself.

Some people just get under your skin. They are close proximity, they are self absorbed and you can’t understand why they behave like this. They end up making you stressed out, and worn down.

I’m projecting, but I get why the OP feels like this. It’s conflict and you don’t need it in your life.

I do think you’ll get pulled up about leaving the group OP when your mil realises you aren’t responding.

I wouldn’t send the email, but I wouldn’t let her off either. I’d tell her that the WhatsApp interactions are stressing you out and you no longer want to be part of it. That you’ve enough on your plate and you are stepping away.

Completely agree with everything OpentoOffers has said and its very good advice.

I understand it's been 20 years of her being weird & nutty but on the other had, why can't you just brush it off as "there goes MiL being rude and unreasonable again. Nothing to do with me."

@Opentooffers I agree that my response is disproportionate. I’m not sure why I am feeling this so strongly when she has definitely done far shittier things in the past. I am hoping when I get to see the GP that they can help point me in the right direction counselling/therapy wise.

The only thing I can think of is that 4 years ago MIL and FIL moved away from us. And so, even though they still had unrealistic expectations of us, they also were so far away it was a lot easier to manage their demands. We would go and visit them for a week and it would be hard and stressful but I had time to mentally prepare for it and I knew it would only last a week. I got used to being able to manage the madness.

Now my FIL has passed, MIL has moved back nearer us. And it feels like a storm is brewing and all my old feelings are resurfacing.

The other thing is I am now a SAHM and so whereas before I had colleagues who I would laugh about this kind of stuff with, now I am on my own most of the day (with my DS and DD), so the frustration just builds up inside me.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you for the book recommendation. I will definitely search it out.

I'm glad you've decided not to send the message.
(Though I like a pp's idea of reading it out to your dh).

I wouldn't have left the WhatsApp group. By having that, your BiL and SiL will have seen how ridiculous her demands are. By not communicating with any of them, they will only ever get MiL's side of any exchange.

I think your initial response was spot on. Calmly explaining you aren't available, and generously offering time very soon. Not engaging with her attempts at emotional blackmail and control. Then how great, on MN to hear of another dh backing up his wife fully.

You don't need to send the message. You wrote it out for yourself to get your own thoughts clear. You don't need to JADE with a narcissist (justify argue defend or explain) just decide your boundaries and stick to them but don't tell her about them.

Let her say and think whatever she likes. You know that a) you're allowed to visit your own family and b) she gets regular chances to see the grandkids. Anything else is just noise.

My advice here is all based on what I have. Learned via coparenting with a narcissist.

Take your power back. Have your boundaries. Make your DH have the tricky conversations with her. When you stick to your boundaries people go explode. Let them.

Enjoy your happy life.

I don't want to diminish your feelings but I wish that this situation was the extend of my problems!

I agree that my response is disproportionate. I’m not sure why I am feeling this so strongly when she has definitely done far shittier things in the past. I am hoping when I get to see the GP that they can help point me in the right direction counselling/therapy wise.

How old are you? One of the peri-menopause symptoms that I experienced, and also my sister, was that things that were genuinely irritating/annoying etc would cause a massively OTT reaction. So we weren't snapppy and snarlying at people for no reason, but when someone did something that was genuinely not okay, we'd act like they'd just murdered our best friend. HRT was very helpful on this.

Youve done nothing wrong op. Dont send that text. It will only add fuel to her flames. Instead, disengage from her. H can deal with her

Definitely this. And leave Whatsapp group. You've done nothing wrong, so you shouldn't be feeling this anxious about it all, but I presume it is cumulative. Definitely low contact for a while. It sounds like your husband is having a hard time too, so I wouldn't particularly make a big deal out of it. If he says anything, just say that you need a bit of break under the circumstances.

From your OP: "She has always been pretty self centred but her grief has made her even more selfish."

This is who she is--a selfish woman. Stop using her grief to excuse bad behaviour. In the fullness of time we all lose people who are important to us, but that is not a "get out of acting like a decent human being" card. Stop catering to her selfishness and ignore her histrionics. It's time for you and dh to set some clear boundaries and enforce them.

I know it’s sensible to not send the text but if it were me, I’d send something because she has essentially got away with outrageous rudeness and these people never learn unless you call them out.

I get not upsetting family apple carts but fuck it, in your situation, where she behaved like that and only apologised to DH, I’d go nuclear. I’d tell her (calmly) that as a result of her behaviour she’d get no further goodwill or facilitation of grandchildren from me and the consequences of her actions and petulant disrespect are entirely her own. I’d text her direct and she can show anybody she liked. It’s her bad behaviour and her childishness that she’d be highlighting.

She wants to go tattle tailing to her son? Good. Let her, and see how far that gets her. She’s the grieving widow? Sorry no excuse. Be assertive about your boundaries around DH too. And the ILs if they muscle in - fuck ‘em.

Don’t let this affect your MH op - you’re rightfully angry (I am for you!) Find your anger and use it to assert your boundaries, banish her from the kingdom and enjoy your own family in peace.

What you do is completely drop the rope
Any questions get a "speak to DH" response, let him deal with her

I’ve a few family members who have lost partners. I don’t remember any of them making others lives a misery and causing dramas. They were sad and lost, yes.

Basically your MIL is not very nice.

Don’t send that message.

@Warriorworrier I just wanted to say I think you handled this well. You didn't send the long message (which could cause the start of WW3 however reasonable)and you left the group chat. I also wanted to say you have a great DH if he took this up and sorted her out. I read a lot of things on MN where this is the ideal situation but often not the lived one. My MIL is the same as yours and just after FIL died, she was the same. Is there any chance she could meet a new man? When mine did, it was a total game changer for the better.

This. Low contact and polite friendly responses. Its called the moral high ground. Don't risk your completely reasonable hurt response being shared around and described as "cruelty to an elderly widowed lady" With respect, I don't think you have any reason to feel humiliated though. Your husband supported you and the family have seen her behaviour.