What do I do about my MIL?

[Warriorworrier]

Apologies in advance for the following rant. I am honestly so worked up and feel completely at a loss as to how to move forward.

My DH was away over the weekend for work. Two days before he left my MIL messaged me on the family WhatsApp group asking me to come over either Saturday, Sunday or both days. I replied saying I had already made plans (I was heading down to see my family for the weekend.) She then messaged asking me to change my plans as she wanted to see her grandchildren and I should understand that. I replied saying we are all free the following weekend if she wanted to do something then instead.

She didn’t reply to me. Instead she messaged my DH in the same group chat saying “name, I need to chat to you. Call when free”

My BIL and his wife are also on that group chat and will have seen this exchange. I feel a bit humiliated TBH.

DH spoke to MIL after he finished work and they had a huge argument. She accused us both of not prioritising her (which really upset DH because we have made so many sacrifices for her). And she talked about having more “access” to her grandchildren. Which honestly makes me feel sick, like they are some kind of commodity.

She had just returned from a holiday with her friends and she was upset that they see their grandchildren more than she does. We saw her the weekend before she went on holiday at a big family gathering and she spent hardly anytime with them, even though she had ample opportunity.

DH and I called her the next day to clear the air. I didn’t really speak as I didn’t want her to feel like we were ganging up on her but I wanted to be on the call so she knew we were united on this. DH says she apologised but she didn’t really, she gave a long excuse about why she was so upset and then half apologised to DH for the argument they had. She said nothing about me or the WhatsApp messages.

The thing is. Her husband, my FIL died suddenly last year. So she is grieving and going through a tough time. Both DH and I have made so many allowances for her. She has always been pretty self centred but her grief has made her even more selfish. She barely acknowledges that fact the DH has also lost his father. My DH often says he feels like he lost his dad and his mum at the same time.

I have written out a long message to her explaining the way I am currently feeling. Basically saying she isn’t a priority of mine (my DH and kids are) and that when it comes to my marriage and my kids she doesn’t get to treat me with such contempt and then expect me to prioritise her.

I have held off on sending the message, as DH is really stressed with work and I don’t want to add to that. Plus I’m not sure it is the right thing to do. She’s a grieving widow. Even though it’s all true, I’m not sure what good sending it will do.

My mental health has taken a nose dive over the last few days. I go from feeling completely enraged to on the verge of tears. I haven’t slept well and my exhaustion is making me irritable. I have no appetite and I have lost all motivation. I have contacted my GP and have made an appointment but the earliest date I could get is next month.

This isn’t just about this one incident. I guess this is just the final straw, in 20 years of them. My DH is really supportive but he doesn’t want to cut her out off his life and I wouldn’t want to ask that of him. Should I go no contact? Or as low contact as possible? should I confront her?

Don't do this OP. She won't learn and you can bet your boots that she would use a response like this against you. Focus on your lovely family and don't give her headroom

I think you need to examine why this has affected you so much. It’s not a normal reaction to think your whole mental health has declined and you need to seek medical help for such a small incident. It might be a rubbish situation, but it shouldn’t impact you as much as it is and I think you need to seek help for that rather than this single incident.

@Whatstheword21 I totally agree that my reaction has been extreme. I think a big part of it is that I feel she has always tried to centre herself in my relationship with my DH. And so, now she is trying to do it with me and my children, it has hit a nerve.

DH always pushes back against her, but if she has an issue, she causes a big fuss, has a big argument with DH and then they both end up apologising for what they said ‘in the heat of the moment’. So even though it is “resolved”, it isn’t really, as she still feels justified in her actions. The issue becomes about the fight they had not the events that led up to it.

We have had to choose which battles to pick with her, so as to avoid big altercations. We have made so many accommodations for her (not out of love but simply in order to ‘not rock the boat’) and I really don’t want to do that when it comes to my children. I am going to do what is right for them and I can see that this is going to cause us a lot of headaches in the future.

I think this is the cause of a lot of the anxiety I feel. I know it is silly to worry about potential future problems that may not happen. But in the past my fears have always been proven right so it is hard to brush my worries aside.

The one good thing about the WhatsApp message exchange is that DH was able to see first hand how she has been with me in private for years. I know he believes me when I tell him the things she has said to me in the past but I don’t think he quite grasped how much contempt she has for me.

@Thedogismybaby I think there is a chance she might meet someone new eventually. I know she has spoken to DH about wanting ‘companionship’ of some kind. I hope she does, at the moment it feels like she is expecting DH to fill the whole FIL left. She has made all her problems (financial, moving house, other family members, etc…) his problems and expects him to resolve them for her. He did do a lot for her when his dad was dying and after he passed but he has said he is going to stop being her crutch going forward.

I just feel like I have let her walk all over me in the past in order to preserve her relationship with her son and I don’t want to do it any more. I know whatever I do going forward, it is going to cause a problem for him and I hate that it feels like it’s my fault he is getting hassle from her. (Of course I know it isn’t my fault and that’s what I have to keep reminding myself.)

I am going to do as everyone has suggested and limit my contact with her. I will be civil but distant and leave the tough stuff to DH.

Again it has really helped reading everyone’s messages. Thanks to you all 💐

All these people saying “let DH deal with her”. You joined his family, she’s your family too now, you’re a team, she’s not just his problem.

Dont send the message, you’ll regret it immediately. Stick to your guns, offer next weekend again. Ignore all snide and nasty remarks about this weekend, continue to offer the very reasonable suggestion of next week. You have plans, that’s all there is to it for this weekend. You don’t need to justify them to her.

Nonsense. I married one man, not a family. In fact I’m quite fond of most of my ILs, but they’re definitely neither my family nor my problem.

I agree, I married one person and while I won't ever block or damage his relationship with his family they are DH's family not mine.
The ones I like in their own right I will make the effort to see, the ones I am not bothered either way I will go and see them if DH arranges it, the ones I actively dislike I won't go near.

yes and no. DH and I are actually pretty good about helping each other out with respective families or by picking up slack so the other one can do things with family. And I have stepped in to help with in laws and vice versa so from that perspective, sure.

BUT, ultimately, it's HIS family and he must deal with them and the same here. If my family behave badly, it's on ME to tell them that and to refuse to do x or y and the same applies to his family.

Ignore the old bat. Keep telling yourself she's not your problem. Tell your DH that under no circumstances is he to agree to anything that he is not facilitating. So he is not to say
"Yes, you can pop around WarriorWorrier is at home with the kids"
or "I'll ask WW to pock that up for you"
Or "we'll come for lunch/dinner/by on your demand". The first response is always that he'll check there's nothin gin the diary. Kids have an inordinate amount of birthday parties to go to which is handy ;)

Ask yourself why the old bat is upsetting you so much? I'm sure that there's a long backstory from your comments but she can only upset you if you let her. Being a widow doesn't give her carte blanche to be a complete cow but now is definitely the time to set boundaries and it sounds like your DH is getting it in hand.

Lastly, and I mean this nicely. Have you built up any friendship group now that you are not working? Just your friends? How isolated are you because that won't help? It's lovely to have friends you can have a quiet rant about and let off some steam. MN is only going to get you so far.

Unavailability and silence.
Neither can be argued with.

OP, you need to use this latest incident to really pull back.
Do not get over it.
Be clear to your husband that you are stepping back.
Leave him to her.
Let him see her.
Long term you will be the better for it.

You’re right not to send the message. You said she’s not a priority for you? Say nothing but act accordingly.

I’ve been through a similar experience and she will take over your life if you let her. You can’t give people like her an inch because they will take a mile, and more. She will never stop being entitled, so just don’t have any contact with her and ignore her as much as possible. Leave her to your husband to sort out.

Also demanding you change your weekend plans? I see why this is the last straw!

This.

Also bear in mind that your dh has lost his dad.

The OP did not marry her mother-in-law. Dealing with this horrible woman is not the OP's responsibility.

Hi op,

I am sorry you feel low atm. It is tough.

please do not send this message, nothing good will come out of this. In fact, you could very much be blamed for firing first by bith MIL and DH.

Just distance yourself which is what you wanted to tell her. You just do NOT need to tell her. You also don’t need to argue with her before or making any kind of point, just distance yourself. Put a boundary down. She knows very well what she has done.

When she texts, don’t answer. Leave your DH doing it. If he asks why :” you don’t feel comfortable”.
if she calls, don’t pick up. She knows to get your husband when she can’t get you so that is fine 👌🏼
Any moaning, grunting, bad mouthing. Do NOT answer. Done. Your boundary is there and she won’t be able to move it herself.

Good luck 🌺

@cockadoodledandy “She is not just her problem” 🤣🤣

Yes she is! Because he is the only one she will listen anyway. A relationship goes both way and she doesn’t want so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh that's crazy op, she has no regard for your life, or plans. How rude, i would be annoyed.
This is exactly the reason I don't do group WhatsApp chats! Remove yourself from the chat, tell your dh to deal with HIS mother.

OP, this all sounds very hard and I think you pulling back and putting your MH first is a great step forward. I agree to not to send MIL that long text you had drafted. I know what a demanding family is like, my family is like that and my DH is in your position.

I’m sorry if I missed any updates on this, but if you have other family that don’t see the kids much because MIL demands so much time, maybe it’s time to put them more in the picture. MIL will have to make effort to come over or have a once or twice a month visit and be content with that.

It sounds like all of this is taking a large toll on you. For that reason, prioritize you.

I would act rather swiftly now. I would block your MIL. I would not leave the family group chat but I would archive it and rarely look at it. All plans with MIL go through DH and his stock answer is "I'll see and get back to you". Then you can opt in or out. No deviation.

20 years of it? Today is a good day to stop. Also it is time you made it clear to your DH that there has been enough emotional baggage between him and his mum for you to tolerate. Don't engage with it, don't pander to it and don't get in between. Protect yourself and your kids - your backbone will help your DH prioritize his wife and kids.

Go no contact, I have had something similar and it’s the best thing I did for my mental health, remove yourself from the group chat and block her number. Take care.

@Warriorworrier Don't send that message, it comes across as quite hard and unkind ''You are not a priority''

Imagine in future, when you might be a Grandmother, and your children are married off, and if you are a widow,,

People who dislike their MILS often become MILS themselves down the track,

Your son, {if you have a son} could marry a woman who feels threatened by you.

Might not seem like it now, but time soon flies.

{I'm not a grandmother}

Don't discount everything you've learned about her over the past 20 years. Your overreaction this time came from somewhere, after all. But don't go causing trouble either. The message you didn't send would have been troublesome (telling someone they're not your priority is always better communicated by actions rather than words - there's no need to be unkind, even if you feel pushed to it by someone who won't take no for an answer).

This is your life, your marriage, your MIL, your children. You are in charge of your side of all those relationships, you get to decide what you're okay with and what you won't tolerate. You will likely continue to put up with a certain degree of awfulness, but it's absolutely okay to draw a tighter line around yourself. It's a normal part of ageing. She's also used up a lot of goodwill over the years. It's not a never-ending supply, for anyone.

Now that you're off the whatsapp group, you will have fewer opportunities to be annoyed and irritated. If she comes at you again with a preposterous demand, reply politely but firmly. If she continues to push, pass her onto your DH and wash your hands of her. You will have told her your position and that should be enough. If your DH wants to get into arguments + apologies, that's his decision (their relationship far predated yours, after all).

That is such wise advice. Spot on.
I've spent last year or maybe two in similar situation with adult stepdaughter. After bending over backwards and putting myself out hugely and constantly to help her out and do things she asked (only to be rewarded with arguments and complaints) I have now learnt.the hard way.
Just step back, cut communication and let DH interface with her. U don't actually have to talk to anyone and just put that monkey right back where it belongs. With DH. His mum,.his relationship, his responsibility..
So yes OP. Very good advice!

This. It sounds like you have all been going through a very difficult time. You with your mental health, your DH with work and your MIL grieving and she is now alone after years with a partner. That can do funny things to your head.

Yes your MIL was unreasonable and it you should stick definitely stick to your boundaries re seeing her and her seeing you/the children and when that works for you. And try to let her wash over you. Abd I wouldn’t leave the group chat either. These are you family you are entities to be there too. Unless they are all unreasonable and difficult, they will be secretly siding with you! No one would think it was reasonable for you to have to change your plans to fit in with her especially when you have offered the following weekend!

You poor thing. I would not give this relationship any energy. No long emails, letters or other communications. Go low contact, keeping interactions polite and functional only. Don’t change plans for her or offer any explanations. “That won’t be possible, we have other plans.” Don’t respond any further after this. She has a user the privilege of a group chat, manipulating it to try and threaten or shame you. I’d leave the group chat.

It’s time to draw some very strong boundaries with this woman. You can’t have your mental health impacted - you are a mother and you need to look after yourself for your own and your Childrens sake. I would also say, you don’t have to be liked by her. Don’t try and smooth things over or seek her goodwill and approval. It’s never coming.

Op, were you close to your FIL?

You mention you Mil's grief and touch upon your DH, but you've been through a lot too, the loss and subsequent need to support everyone. Perhaps you need to think about your grief, whether youve handled it, whether you need some support as well?

Here’s what I’d do.

Dont say a word.
Leave the WhatsApp group.
Only respond if she contacts you about the children.
If she asks to see the children and it’s convenient for you- arrange to meet her. If it’s not convenient- don’t.
Encourage your husband to make most arrangements.

Be cold with her- and if she ever asks why (she will act like she doesn’t know why).

Tell her how she made you feel.

distance distance

witch!