What do I do about my MIL?

[Warriorworrier]

Apologies in advance for the following rant. I am honestly so worked up and feel completely at a loss as to how to move forward.

My DH was away over the weekend for work. Two days before he left my MIL messaged me on the family WhatsApp group asking me to come over either Saturday, Sunday or both days. I replied saying I had already made plans (I was heading down to see my family for the weekend.) She then messaged asking me to change my plans as she wanted to see her grandchildren and I should understand that. I replied saying we are all free the following weekend if she wanted to do something then instead.

She didn’t reply to me. Instead she messaged my DH in the same group chat saying “name, I need to chat to you. Call when free”

My BIL and his wife are also on that group chat and will have seen this exchange. I feel a bit humiliated TBH.

DH spoke to MIL after he finished work and they had a huge argument. She accused us both of not prioritising her (which really upset DH because we have made so many sacrifices for her). And she talked about having more “access” to her grandchildren. Which honestly makes me feel sick, like they are some kind of commodity.

She had just returned from a holiday with her friends and she was upset that they see their grandchildren more than she does. We saw her the weekend before she went on holiday at a big family gathering and she spent hardly anytime with them, even though she had ample opportunity.

DH and I called her the next day to clear the air. I didn’t really speak as I didn’t want her to feel like we were ganging up on her but I wanted to be on the call so she knew we were united on this. DH says she apologised but she didn’t really, she gave a long excuse about why she was so upset and then half apologised to DH for the argument they had. She said nothing about me or the WhatsApp messages.

The thing is. Her husband, my FIL died suddenly last year. So she is grieving and going through a tough time. Both DH and I have made so many allowances for her. She has always been pretty self centred but her grief has made her even more selfish. She barely acknowledges that fact the DH has also lost his father. My DH often says he feels like he lost his dad and his mum at the same time.

I have written out a long message to her explaining the way I am currently feeling. Basically saying she isn’t a priority of mine (my DH and kids are) and that when it comes to my marriage and my kids she doesn’t get to treat me with such contempt and then expect me to prioritise her.

I have held off on sending the message, as DH is really stressed with work and I don’t want to add to that. Plus I’m not sure it is the right thing to do. She’s a grieving widow. Even though it’s all true, I’m not sure what good sending it will do.

My mental health has taken a nose dive over the last few days. I go from feeling completely enraged to on the verge of tears. I haven’t slept well and my exhaustion is making me irritable. I have no appetite and I have lost all motivation. I have contacted my GP and have made an appointment but the earliest date I could get is next month.

This isn’t just about this one incident. I guess this is just the final straw, in 20 years of them. My DH is really supportive but he doesn’t want to cut her out off his life and I wouldn’t want to ask that of him. Should I go no contact? Or as low contact as possible? should I confront her?

But your paraphrase isn't the advice the PP actually gave. She was suggesting that the MiL's behaviour is the OP's problem. That it's her response to the behaviour that's the problem. OP, contrary to the advice given, does not need to do work with a counsellor to ascertain why MiL's behaviour pisses her off. She's well aware of exactly why, has articulated her reasons on this thread, and her feelings have ample justification. She should therefore not internalize the MiL's baggage as belonging to her personally.

Women don't have to suffer this sort of crap in silence and just 'brush it off'. Why should they be the ones who must adjust their own behaviour - even question their mental health, as the suggestion she receive counselling implicitly does - whilst the 'it's just the way she is' person carries on behaving with impunity? OP is not her MiL's subordinate.

The only valid principle in that post is that no one can change others' behaviour, only their own responses. In this case, leaving the WhatsApp group and stepping back makes perfect sense in the circumstances. OP isn't trying to impose her own boundaries on others but has a perfect right to draw these around herself and to preserve her own mental health.

OP, please don't allow any of these replies to gaslight you into thinking that you are the problem (and the post above the one I'm replying to you is doing exactly that). I hope you will disregard it. It's simply awful advice.

I am very knee-jerk in my reactions to situations like this and I would be very much tempted to do exactly what you want to do and send a message laying out my feelings and my opinion on her behaviour, however deep down I think I would know my heart of heart that this would only exacerbate the situation and make it particularly difficult for my DH. As others have said, write out the message keep it on your phone or print it but take some time and don’t send it just now. Leave the group chat as others have also suggested which I feel is the most sensible thing to do, as what you don’t know can’t hurt you. I really feel for you as I had an MIL who was really quite unkind to me throughout my marriage to her son and it does overtake your life, so I can see how your mental health would take a dive in the situation. I wish you all the best.