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Original poster

Does he not want to marry Me anymore?

150 replies

Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 19:57

I'll try and keep it short.

Me and my partner have a baby together and have previously talked about marriage.

I am feeling insecure about my financial security since we are not married but share a child. He is currently the highest earner. I have only just started out In my career. I'm probably feeling this way as we now have a baby of 4 months.

Anyway, I've been talking to him about it and he had reasurred me about several aspects of our finances. Which is fair enough. My concern is also that he has an ex wife, so she maybe entitled to some of his finances, I'm not sure.

What is getting to me is, it could have all been solved if he just said 'well we're going to be getting married so it'll be ok'. But he never brought this up, despite discussion about his ex wife etc. So maybe he has changed his mind? I know I could have brought up marriage myself, in a sense, I was steering the conversation that way. But hey ho I didn't.

I hate having conversations like this as I always think it'll come across as me appearing after his money. Which is not the case. But I do worry. Plus I don't want to be one of those marriage pusher women. I've known a few of those.

Anyway I'm not well versed in finances with regards to marriage and divorce.

Anyone got any opinions?

OP posts:
Coldfinch · 15/10/2024 20:13

„Marriage pusher women“?? Are you British?
I‘m only asking because you may have more than one worry if you haven’t got settled status.

If you’re old enough to have a baby with this man then you should be old enough to have a chat with him about marriage. Bring it up from the point of view of security for your mutual child. Nothing pushy about that IMO

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2024 20:14

Those marriage pusher types you look down on presumably see themselves as equal partners in their relationships with just as much say in where their lives go as their men. Why do you find that uncomfortable?

Was your baby planned? You get naked with your partner, you have a child with him, it shouldn’t be awkward or difficult to tell him you want to get married. You’re obviously not traditional or you’d have got married before having a baby so you’re not obliged to hang around waiting for him to decide you’re worthy of a proposal. Use your voice and have a grown up conversation with him. Or, carry on waiting helplessly for him to let you know whether or not he’ll marry you. Would you let him decide where you live and just tell you?

ferntwist · 15/10/2024 20:14

You’re worth more than this!

Rarebitten · 15/10/2024 20:18

Gently, OP, grow up — you’ve had a child with this man, but you can’t say to him ‘I’d like to get married soon’, but instead are hinting and ‘trying to steer’ conversations, and wondering if his finances are entwined with his ex-wife’s?

Original poster
Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 20:22

Well he clearly isn't a marriage pusher man as he can't bring up the conversation. But of course it's always on the women to instigate these conversations - according to MN. Why should I butter up his ego by doing that?

OP posts:
Pippetypoppity · 15/10/2024 20:24

Don’t worry about it. Whatever happens he is obligated to support your child until they are 18 so they’ll be ok. As you aren’t married he’s not obligated to support you but you say your not interested in his money anyway and I respect you for that. You can work and develop your career so you remain financially stable in your own right. That’s definitely your best bet now he’s not committed to marriage.

Opentooffers · 15/10/2024 20:27

He has no reason or benefit to marry as he sees it as he has everything he needs without having to share equity if it ever goes wrong.
If security was what you were after, the time to get it was before having your DC.
Do you at least have housing security, as if he is sole owner of your home, that is being on shakey ground.
Best you can do is save what you can while developing your career.

Rarebitten · 15/10/2024 20:27

Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 20:22

Well he clearly isn't a marriage pusher man as he can't bring up the conversation. But of course it's always on the women to instigate these conversations - according to MN. Why should I butter up his ego by doing that?

’Butter up his ego’? Would he be ‘buttering up your ego’ if he’d said ‘Let’s get married’ during your finance conversation?

Original poster
Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 20:28

Rarebitten · 15/10/2024 20:18

Gently, OP, grow up — you’ve had a child with this man, but you can’t say to him ‘I’d like to get married soon’, but instead are hinting and ‘trying to steer’ conversations, and wondering if his finances are entwined with his ex-wife’s?

Gently, dear reader, people do sometimes not address things head on... I don't think that equates to being mature or not. If you re read, we have spoken about marriage. Many times. Just from this brief conversation, I'm surprised he didn't mention it. Not to say I won't be discussing this with him at all.

OP posts:
DeliciousApples · 15/10/2024 20:29

Butter up his ego? It's not that, it's a case if we have a baby and I want to get married because of that.

Have you seen his divorce papers or any evidence he is in fact legally divorced?

BirthdayRainbow · 15/10/2024 20:30

If she is his ex wife she gets nothing.

Ask him to marry you. If he says no or doesn't book it if he says yes, then leave.

If women would stop falling for this shit and having babies without being married they'd not be this mess.

A child is NOT more of a commitment than marriage. Think on.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/10/2024 20:30

A relative through marriage had a child to her partner. They were together more than 16 yrs. Their child was 9 when he died of a heart attack. He didn't make a will.

His ex-wife tried to claim that she was entitled to his pension and half the house. It was sorted out in the end, but the relative had to go to court and to pay for a solicitor.

Original poster
Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 20:30

Rarebitten · 15/10/2024 20:27

’Butter up his ego’? Would he be ‘buttering up your ego’ if he’d said ‘Let’s get married’ during your finance conversation?

Show quote history

Yes, probably. Who doesn't want to know people are willing to marry them.

OP posts:
Rarebitten · 15/10/2024 20:32

Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 20:28

Gently, dear reader, people do sometimes not address things head on... I don't think that equates to being mature or not. If you re read, we have spoken about marriage. Many times. Just from this brief conversation, I'm surprised he didn't mention it. Not to say I won't be discussing this with him at all.

Show quote history

The moment for being mimsy and vague about finances and hoping he’ll ’bring things up’ was before you decided to have a baby with this guy.

BirthdayRainbow · 15/10/2024 20:32

"...marriage. Many times. Just from this brief conversation, I'm surprised he didn't mention it. Not to say I won't be discussing this with him at all."

Contradiction...

Sidebeforeself · 15/10/2024 20:33

You sound very passive OP. You dont want to have the outright conversation,you are not well versed in finances re marriage etc.. You need to decide what you want for you and your child and act on it. Sit him down and talk. Decide your red lines.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/10/2024 20:33

BirthdayRainbow · 15/10/2024 20:30

If she is his ex wife she gets nothing.

Ask him to marry you. If he says no or doesn't book it if he says yes, then leave.

If women would stop falling for this shit and having babies without being married they'd not be this mess.

A child is NOT more of a commitment than marriage. Think on.

Agreed. The couple that I wrote about above finally got engaged...but too late. The legal repercussions caused a great deal of stress.

Sidebeforeself · 15/10/2024 20:35

Plus..whats in it for him? He is sitting pretty without marriage so why should he changed things ( Im being provocative from his point of view).

WearyAuldWumman · 15/10/2024 20:35

WearyAuldWumman · 15/10/2024 20:30

A relative through marriage had a child to her partner. They were together more than 16 yrs. Their child was 9 when he died of a heart attack. He didn't make a will.

His ex-wife tried to claim that she was entitled to his pension and half the house. It was sorted out in the end, but the relative had to go to court and to pay for a solicitor.

This was England and the partner was paying alimony to his ex. One of the reasons that the couple remained unmarried for so long was that the relative had a very good wage and that would have been taken into consideration for alimony.

SirChenjins · 15/10/2024 20:36

You say you’ve had a conversation about marriage many times - what do you mean? Has that conversation included the venue, the date, the guest list? Or has it been more of a general chat that’s come to nothing? Men are usually pretty keen to marry the woman they love, especially when she’s the mum of their child.

Original poster
Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 20:37

Anyway, I appreciate all the comments.

But we are digressing.

My question is: why would he not mention marriage within this conversation, opinions?

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 15/10/2024 20:38

I don't know. Ask him.

Pippetypoppity · 15/10/2024 20:39

Don’t. Quite right. If he’s not mentioned marriage- forget it. He has no intention as things suit him much better financially if he doesn’t. Pursue your career as soon as you can and get yourself a good savings account. Build up your own nest egg and strengthen your own situation for the future. Don’t let him expect you to stay home and look after his child as this will compromise your future earning capacity. You need to be back to work asap now and investing in your career. Oh and with shared responsibility for child care costs! Good luck Op.

Original poster
Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 20:39

Rarebitten · 15/10/2024 20:32

The moment for being mimsy and vague about finances and hoping he’ll ’bring things up’ was before you decided to have a baby with this guy.

Show quote history

We have talked about marriage we have talked about finances.... I just want to know why he didn't bring up marriage in the space of this conversation? when it seemed an obvious solution to any insecurities I might have had in the moment. That is all I want know.

OP posts:
Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/10/2024 20:39

Girlsjustwannahavetea · 15/10/2024 20:37

Anyway, I appreciate all the comments.

But we are digressing.

My question is: why would he not mention marriage within this conversation, opinions?

Because you didn’t ask and he didn’t think about that as a means of satisfying your financial concerns. Or he doesn’t want to marry you.

How about you just tell him “I want to get married in x month” and see what he says?

If you can’t read his mind, no one here can.

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