Does he not want to marry Me anymore?

[Girlsjustwannahavetea]

I'll try and keep it short.

Me and my partner have a baby together and have previously talked about marriage.

I am feeling insecure about my financial security since we are not married but share a child. He is currently the highest earner. I have only just started out In my career. I'm probably feeling this way as we now have a baby of 4 months.

Anyway, I've been talking to him about it and he had reasurred me about several aspects of our finances. Which is fair enough. My concern is also that he has an ex wife, so she maybe entitled to some of his finances, I'm not sure.

What is getting to me is, it could have all been solved if he just said 'well we're going to be getting married so it'll be ok'. But he never brought this up, despite discussion about his ex wife etc. So maybe he has changed his mind? I know I could have brought up marriage myself, in a sense, I was steering the conversation that way. But hey ho I didn't.

I hate having conversations like this as I always think it'll come across as me appearing after his money. Which is not the case. But I do worry. Plus I don't want to be one of those marriage pusher women. I've known a few of those.

Anyway I'm not well versed in finances with regards to marriage and divorce.

Anyone got any opinions?

Honestly I think it’s really quite common for people, especially men, to change their mind about marriage after they’ve had a child with the person already.

A child is a much bigger commitment than a marriage and so once you’ve ticked that box, marriage (especially for a man) can feel a bit pointless.

Even couples who got engaged before having a child often end up just staying engaged for years and not getting married until years later or they don’t end up getting married at all. And from a man’s perspective, especially one who is a high earner and who has already had one failed marriage, you can see why he wouldn’t be keen at the thought of exposing himself to another costly divorce if things didn’t work out.

Not getting married doesn’t really matter if both parents earn equally even after having children, or if the partner who is the higher earner see’s all money as family money regardless, but it does put you in a very vulnerable spot if as the mother you take maternity leave, work in a lower paid job, or go part time so reduce earnings because actually if he walks away from you tomorrow all he has to pay you is child maintenance. You could spend 10 years on low pay to be available for children, career takes a hit from maternity leave & part time working, and still after 10 years all you’d be entitled to is child maintenance unless married.

It’s too late now but honestly the time to get married is before you have kids. There’s too many easy excuses afterwards, not enough time to sort it out, not enough money to get married, no need because “we’re already committed we have child/ren” etc

OP nobody is asking a trivial question. They are trying to point out how vulnerable you are and how cushy he has it. But you can do something about this

What makes me incredibly immature in your opinion? By not engaging in comments that are condescending and directly or indirectly intended to be bitchy? Do you address people in real life with how you're speaking to me now?

This

Yea I really appreciate the honest and to the point feedback. I just can't tolerate the presumptions and the snark from some people on MN is all

If a man hasn't been inspired to marry you even after you've had his child, he isn't interested. And, yes, since you aren't married you are more economically vulnerable. In a breakup he only has to pay child support. Other than that you are on your own.

So, now you know the reasons that he doesn’t want to marry you, what are you going to do OP?

Because you have made yourself very vulnerable. You aren't married, you have a baby, your boyfriend earns more than you and has a divorce behind him. You have no legal status whatsoever.

When you have talked of marriage, what was his opinion on it? He could be understandably reluctant seeing as he's been through divorce before. Was he all for it despite that? Was he future faking it prior to moving in together or having a baby? Does he have DC's with his exW that he continues to pay for and see?

all of this. If you are successful and have your own income, fine, but if you are going to take maternity leave, go part time, stop making gains in your own career, pay less into your pension, etc, get married first.

You really don’t come across as nice here when people are trying to help you with your impossible question. Could your personality have something to do with why he’s not discussing marriage with you?

Presumably he didn’t bring it up because he doesn’t want to marry you.

In what way do you think your ‘financial insecurities’ would even be addressed by him marrying you or just saying he was going to?

Once again, the responses are full of unnecessary harshness. Yawn.

I don't think you're immature or silly at all and I completely understand why you don't want to bring the topic up directly. If I was in your shoes I would probably have to build myself up to talk about it but eventually would if I was seriously worried. If you're too concerned about being super direct, maybe find a way to bring it up in passing or in relation to something else (something you see on TV, social media etc) but regardless the conversation should to be had, because you kind of need to know what the future looks like.
Don't be scared of coming across 'desperate' or anything else because at the end of the day, wanting marriage and security isn't desperate or needy.
I can't answer the question as to why he didn't mention marriage off his own back, but I wouldn't worry too much as most men have no idea what the right answer is even with all the passive aggressive hinting in the world.

I wouldn't assume he doesn't want to marry you just because of this hun 💖

Your boyfriend very clearly doesn't want to marry you and give you and your child security. He is very unlikely to marry you now after all he is the much higher earner. If you also want to stay with your boyfriend without being married can you start making plans to safeguard your child's future?

As the higher earner he is happy just having a girlfriend and he is allowed to think like that, you don't have to like it though and I would think it could be quite painful having a child with someone who doesn't want to marry you. Marriage is important, it is a legal contract.

God forbid someone defend themselves against strangers on the internet being snarky and rude!

In answer to your question in my opinion the following comments of yours sound incredibly immature.
"isn't a marriage pusher man as he can't bring up the conversation. But of course it's always on the women to instigate these conversations"
No it's not. Plenty of men instigate the conversation or propose without even having the conversation.

"Why should I butter up his ego by doing that?"
I have no words.

"Gently, dear reader, people do sometimes not address things head on."
Maturity is addressing concerns you have head on IMO.

You have a child with this man which is the biggest commitment you can make yet you are skirting around direct conversations that affect your future and that of your child. None of that smacks of maturity to me.

No, I wouldn't speak to people exactly like this in real life, I would be leave out the immaturity comment but give the same advice. But since it's online I don't need to hold back and I feel there is value in letting you know that you come across as immature to me, because I doubt I'm the only one and if that information benefits you at any point in the future I'm pleased I shared it. If it doesn't, throw it out.

@BunsHun they’ve talked about marriage many times - not sure if you missed that bit? The numerous conversations just haven’t translated into him actually doing something about it (for obvious reasons).

Spot on comment.

Agree. What’s the point of coming to a forum to ask why people are asking questions??? That is literally the point of a forum and why we are all here.

Why aren't you married? Why haven't you set a date?
Does he own a house in his name?
Does he have a will and life insurance where you are named as inheriting his estate, that protects you financially? If not why not?

No one is ‘presuming’ anything, except for perhaps that you are very young and naive. You’ve put yourself in a vulnerable position and for some reason don’t feel able to have a direct conversation about your economic vulnerability because you think it will ‘butter his ego’.

He's probably been burnt from his ex wife and is now more reluctant to do it again.

Having a baby outside of marriage is sadly going to result in these issues..

I think there’s an enormous chunk of people married and divorced that are reluctant to re marry it not personal

as for financial security that’s up to you if you want security and career then keep working

He didn’t bring up marriage because he doesn’t want to get married.

he’s been married once before and it hasn’t ended well so he obviously doesn’t feel like he wants to go down that path again.

This is something you really should have discussed head on before having a baby with this man.