Does he not want to marry Me anymore?

[Girlsjustwannahavetea]

I'll try and keep it short.

Me and my partner have a baby together and have previously talked about marriage.

I am feeling insecure about my financial security since we are not married but share a child. He is currently the highest earner. I have only just started out In my career. I'm probably feeling this way as we now have a baby of 4 months.

Anyway, I've been talking to him about it and he had reasurred me about several aspects of our finances. Which is fair enough. My concern is also that he has an ex wife, so she maybe entitled to some of his finances, I'm not sure.

What is getting to me is, it could have all been solved if he just said 'well we're going to be getting married so it'll be ok'. But he never brought this up, despite discussion about his ex wife etc. So maybe he has changed his mind? I know I could have brought up marriage myself, in a sense, I was steering the conversation that way. But hey ho I didn't.

I hate having conversations like this as I always think it'll come across as me appearing after his money. Which is not the case. But I do worry. Plus I don't want to be one of those marriage pusher women. I've known a few of those.

Anyway I'm not well versed in finances with regards to marriage and divorce.

Anyone got any opinions?

Telling on yourself a bit by using that gendered slur. Asterisk or no.

Huh?! 😂

Do you not understand the meaning of gendered slur?

I earn more than my husband so I stand to be "shafted" in any divorce...
I do however understand what you are saying: Right now, this guy is responsible for his child - it is his child that will inherit. If he marries and then divorces, his partner can claim 50% of his assets.
It isn't a case of opinions of whether this is right/wrong - it is fact. Hence, this guy may not want to risk marriage. It's a fair enough point to make because it is how the law works (assuming UK).

Completelyjo calling you out our your incorrect interpretation of a situation or poor choice of words is not bitchy. Initially I thought you had some good insight to share but I can now see where it's all coming from and it's not a good place. Subsidising FFS. You definitely don't know how to be a partner.

I apologise for using a derogatory term, it wasn't meant to be offensive.

However, I stand by what I have said previously, they are opinions due to the way my dad was treated as I was growing up and how his Ex took him to the cleaners and tried to financially ruin him.

Telling me I don't know how to be a partner is just plain rude and there is absolutely no need for it, when you know nothing about me, my past or my present.

In the theoretical discussion we having where your view is that you are subsidising a woman who has:
grown a child that is yours, causing havoc to her body
is then staying home to look after your child so she can't work
negatively impacting her career so your child can be cared for

If you call that subsidising then you don't know what it means in this situation to be a partner. I'm not talking about overall ability to be a partner because I have no idea about anything other than what you have shared. What you would be doing is contributing to the family in the same way the woman is contributing to the family by looking after your child.

My brother had the nightmare divorce with the wife from hell who took half of everything he built up before marriage, despite them having signed a prenup which was invalid in the country they moved to after marriage. So I completely get men wanting to protect assets from before the marriage. That doesn't mean that being a family where people take on different roles can be seen as subsidising. And when someone pointed that out, instead of acknowledging it was a poor choice of words you called her comments bitchy.

Even though this happened to your dad, it doesn’t mean all of us will “take men to the cleaners”. My DH is in a C-suite role and I have an average-paying professional job. I really hope his view of me isn’t that he is “subsidising” me and our children. My intention is not to “financially ruin” my husband.

Subsidised means - ' to support financially '

If a partner is paying for the majority of the bills whilst the other can not work and bring in an income then in its simplest form he or she is subsidising the other person.

And why does everyone insist on calling the child 'yours' - Its not, its ours. A child brings joint responsibility.

But again, we are digressing, this is not about who pays for what when children are involved, this is about why the OP's partner might not want to get married.

Over and out, I'm leaving this here.

Don't know

But you can at least have a conversation about making wills now you have a child

What is your living situation?

Update.

Well, we talked it through (as I said I would, and had done previous, despite many of you attacking my maturity levels for apparently not communicating with him). I started a knew conversation with him earlier. I brought up not mentioning marriage within the initial conversation, and he thought I was referring to short-term fixes (such as adjusting his pension - which he already has done) and said getting married to me still stands strong, and that he will prioritise reassuring me, until he has saved for a lovely ring, and that we will book a trip to italy (where we want to marry) to scout out venues next year.

Classic brush off/shut you up..

Of course he will …….

'It still stands strong' - interesting wording, like a business deal. I'd say he's future faking. You can test it by saying you don't need a fancy ring and a small wedding near where you live will do ( watch him shit himself).
Of course, he's going to then suggest that no, it's OK, we will do it huge - so that he can delay progress as long as possible as it will take him years to save for a posh wedding, if just a ring takes months.

You’ve got a child and no steady income yet. Don’t you think being palmed off with he’ll start saving for a ring and a destination extravaganza is a bit irresponsible and cringe?

If this update makes you happy then that’s great but you’re no closer to getting married than you were yesterday and you’ve basically agreed to be fobbed off indefinitely as there’ll be countless obstacles now landing in the way.

My concern about your maturity levels still holds.

Well he’s certainly managed to buy himself a lot of time…

Why didn’t he mention marriage in that conversation?

the same reason he did not marry you before having a baby with you. He does not love or respect you enough to want to protect you financially.

He does not want to mitigate the risk that all women face when having a child which could cause damage to her own physical health or result in a child with significant issues. Either way, the woman faces the real possibility of having trouble earning from the moment she gets pregnant and that risk only increases after the baby is born. if he really cared about you, he would want to form an economic contract with you that said he accepted as much of that burden as he could and he would have done it before well the baby arrived, preferably before you even got pregnant.

the world is now filled with men who think nothing of using women to make children while taking on very little risk to themselves. These men are losers and unworthy of being fathers, but for some reason many women can’t see it.

You don't need any of that to get married though, it's all very in the future and vague given your current situation.

Just get down to a registry office ASAP and be married within a few weeks.
Either with a few family and a small celebration or meal after if that's it. Or if having a more traditional ceremony is important to you then just knock out the registery office part as the legal marriage and save for your lovely ring and nice ceremony in Italy later.

Beware the future faking.

Prioritise reassuring you?! What does that even mean?

OP, it's more of the same procrastination and heel-dragging I'm afraid. You could go to the registry office in the next few weeks, get married, and then he could save for a ring (if he doesn't want to stick it on the credit card) and you could have a blessing in Italy once you've scouted around for the venues.

So he's going to save up for a ring, which he'll give you at some unspecified point in the future, and he's planning a holiday to Italy next year to look at possible places where you might get married, again at some unspecified point in the future. Terrific! You must feel so reassured.

I understand the cynicism. Honestly, I do. And I can see you all rolling your eyes at my update. I expected that. But I do still know my relationship better than any of you. I'm reassured and feel better. He is a deeply romantic guy, so I understand the wanting to buy the perfect ring/ location etc. Tbh, I haven't really ever doubted him as he has always followed through on his word. I think I was just getting in my head, a bit of cabin fever having been stuck inside with baby because of such awful weather.

I’m glad you feel more reassured - I’m just sorry that you’re still no further forward as it’s obvious (and rightly so) that you want the legal protection that marriage brings now that you have a child together. The ring and location are nice things to have, but everything seems to be on his terms so far - it’s quite sad (genuinely) to read.

As you say though, you know him better than the rest of us. Just don’t settle for less than you want for you and your baby in order to appease his wants.

OP the best thing to do would be to have a quick register office wedding, so you have the legal protection of marriage.

Don't even bother inviting anyone.

But definitely have the romantic destination wedding you both want, when you can arrange it.

See what he says to that suggestion. If he's serious about marrying you, he'll surely agree.