Does he not want to marry Me anymore?

[Girlsjustwannahavetea]

I'll try and keep it short.

Me and my partner have a baby together and have previously talked about marriage.

I am feeling insecure about my financial security since we are not married but share a child. He is currently the highest earner. I have only just started out In my career. I'm probably feeling this way as we now have a baby of 4 months.

Anyway, I've been talking to him about it and he had reasurred me about several aspects of our finances. Which is fair enough. My concern is also that he has an ex wife, so she maybe entitled to some of his finances, I'm not sure.

What is getting to me is, it could have all been solved if he just said 'well we're going to be getting married so it'll be ok'. But he never brought this up, despite discussion about his ex wife etc. So maybe he has changed his mind? I know I could have brought up marriage myself, in a sense, I was steering the conversation that way. But hey ho I didn't.

I hate having conversations like this as I always think it'll come across as me appearing after his money. Which is not the case. But I do worry. Plus I don't want to be one of those marriage pusher women. I've known a few of those.

Anyway I'm not well versed in finances with regards to marriage and divorce.

Anyone got any opinions?

Do you want the blunt answer?

Because he has nothing whatsoever to gain through marrying you right now, in fact he stands to lose out if he married you and it didn’t work out.

It’s only you, as the woman and mother of his child, who would gain something through marriage.

Women need to be the ones who instigate, ideally pre-kids, because it’s us women who need that protection. A man can take or leave marriage, they aren’t the ones who take maternity leaves and go part time to do childcare for years and put themselves and their careers on the back seat therefore damaging their own financial stability.

It’s not about his ego, it’s about the fact that while unmarried and with a child, you are the one that is vulnerable. As the higher earner he’s fine if you split up tomorrow, but you aren’t.

This.

You say something like ‘DP, now that we have a baby together I want to get married. Can we set a date’.

He either says ‘great idea, let’s get the calendar out and fix a date’ or he says ‘no real need, you’ll be fine financially, don’t be one of those marriage pushers’ and you can then decide if you want to be one of those MNetters who’s still wondering why he won’t marry her 2 children and 10 years later or whether you’ll settle for what he wants as opposed to what you want. Meanwhile, he’s in a good place financially and you’re…not.

The most sensible answer I've received. Thank you

You have a baby together. You’re way past the “marriage pusher” stage. It should be the natural next step. It will protect you and your child should the worst happen. You need to have the conversation

I like this answer, to the point. Thank you

Well that ship has sailed! You’re desperate to get married, have already got pregnant and gave birth to a child but you don’t want to butter up his ego by discussing marriage??

Is he doing his share in regard to childcare? Has he taken his parental leave? Is the plan that you will be able to focus on your career in the same way that he can and that he'll take time off for caring for the child during illness or holidays later on?

Perhaps this is the direction you need to steer the conversation in case he might prefer to give you financial security through marriage.

Sensible, to the point answer. Thank you

The fact he didn't mention it could imply he is no longer that pushed about it.
Often happens when women have children outside of marriage even though they would prefer to be married.

Don't have babies before marriage if its important to you.
It really is that simply.
If it is important to you to have the financial and legal protections of marriage, then stick to your boundary.

Many men rightly see that when they are the higher earner its best not to.
So when a woman is prepared to have a child without marriage if the man isn't pushed, why would he bother?

MN is full of threads like this.
You can bring it up again but he will likely fob you off with its only a piece of paper, means nothing, is unimportant etc.

Stay working full-time.
Make sure he pays his half of childcare.
Keep your family and friends close.
For goodness sake don't have a second child without marriage.

Did you give the baby his name?
Without marriage, this is foolish.
Just another reason for a man not to bother getting married.

Funny how traditional men are when it comes to the baby having their name, but not so much about marriage!

I know it’s not nice to hear OP but it is unfortunately the truth.

From your perspective marriage would protect you in that it would potentially give you a share of pension, share of marital assets, share of his savings etc as higher earner.

From his perspective, marriage gives him what? Nothing at all really. The only thing he stands to do from marriage is potentially lose that money on divorce.

An assumptions there, stranger

I like this answer. To the point

I’m not assuming anything, it’s exactly what you have shared here.

You don’t even sound like a human.

The assumption was 'your desperate to get married'.

How so?

Why are you asking us!? If your communication is so poor with him you shouldnt be even contemplating marriage

Well if you aren’t then I guess your post is redundant as it doesn’t matter that he won’t marry you then?

I don't know. I guess it would be nice to know if he had changed his mind. Think most people would like to know that?

So you either have to be desperate for marriage, or not care if you get married. Is that what you're saying?

Then ask him. You sound incredibly immature and as if you are trying to be witty or clever or something with your replies here. Is this the way you speak to him? Like a teenage girl? Just be honest and direct with him.

He didn’t mention marriage because it doesn’t factor into his thought process about your future. It’s not important to him.

I can’t say he doesn’t want to marry but it’s certainly not something he spends time thinking about.

I had our first child when we weren't married yet. I sat him down and said I wanted to be married. He wasn't keen on marriage, but he agreed to do it, so we got married at the registry office. We now have 3 kids and I'm so glad I had this conversation with him as otherwise we still wouldn't be married.

Agree. Why on earth are you asking a bunch of randoms on the internet what he’s thinking - we don’t know him from Adam. In the time it’s taken you to post your snarky remarks OP the 2 of you could have fixed a date to get married.

Oh come on... its a forum and I was asking for opinions about a conversation and the meaning of it. Its not like the half the questions on here aren't as trivial.