He ticks so many boxes, but he vapes?

[notsureboutit]

I've been dating someone a few months and it's getting really serious. He ticks every box I have to be honest. We get on so well, he's emotionally intelligent, he's sexy, he's funny, he's kind etc. I've never clicked with someone so much. I have been married previously and never felt this way about him, ever.

I just really hate the fact that he vapes. My ex husband was 20 years older than me and I always felt down about being almost guaranteed a future alone. My new partner is only a year older than me but because of the amount he vapes and how unclear it is about the long term effects of this I kind of feel the same in this scenario. I know you can't predict when people will die but I feel it doesn't bode well.

He used to smoke and used vaping to stop, I've had the conversation casually and he says he will one day but that he enjoys it. I just don't know how I feel, on one hand it feels nuts to not pursue it because of the vaping but I also would hate to fall for him even more, build a life with him and then lose him early because of it?

I personally think it's about getting your head around accepting the whole person. Which sounds easy but in my experience, isn't quite that easy.

My partner of 4.5 years is the most brilliant kind, gentle, hard working and capable human I have ever encountered and I'm grateful for him every day for 100 different reasons. However he also likes to smoke a little bit of weed at the weekends. He doesn't drink hardly at all, and had major surgery approx 8 years ago, and he likes it, for relaxation, pain relief and whatever else.

I don't love it, but from a point of view that I worry he will get cancer from smoking and die, leaving me without him. But he is who he is, and I am who I am (flaws and all) and the good bits massively outweigh the not so good bits.

In addition I was married previously to somebody who tried to low-level control everything I did/said/liked etc. Having your own boundaries is absolutely fine (I have many) but using them to try to control or emotionally blackmail another person to do what you want is entirely another.

Do you want kids? My ex continued to vape around me when I was pregnant and it was one of our many arguments about his lack of safety and care

Agreed, what a dumbass comment. People smoke for SO many reasons, could be they were brought up around it, peer pressure, could be a way of dealing with stress and anxiety. I don’t personally smoke or vape anymore, but I used to as a teenager/early 20’s 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not trivial to the op or many others.

Maybe so, but objectively it is trivial when you look at a comparison of the various impacts on mortality, life expectancy, likelihood of relationship success etc; this is a trivial matter comparatively to multiple other things that women appear to put up with every day (i.e. lazy, obese partners, untrustworthy and dishonest partners, low earnings partners - with income being the largest determinant of life expectancy...).

Unless of course someone decides to turn it into a non-trivial matter which of course they can do. But no human is perfect and if this is her only concern with him and everything else is a perfect match as she says then, frankly, she needs to get s grip. If, however, he is a lazy, obtuse, overweight, obese, generally unfit, underqualified, low-earning or someone of low intelligence, or one who regularly goes out "drinking with friends", or has a "weekend hobby" he prioritises above friends or has few job prospects, or doesn't pull their weight with domestic chores and actually view women as equal, or exhibits misogyny or thinks it's "funny" to make sexist jokes, or has a propensity to aggressive behaviour, or drinks excessively, or objectifies women and thinks the main purpose of relationships is sex or watches porn repeatedly etc etc... (which unfortunately 90% of men seem to exhibit in one way or another) then all of those would pose a far higher risk to relationship longevity/ longevity of his life or both. A little perspective and understanding of relative risk/ importance is needed, perhaps, to make rational choices. So many women here banging on about health risks when I bet many of them and their husbands are overweight, for example, which poses a much higher risk than vaping and is harder to cease. You can't suddenly decide to stop being fat overnight.

As addictions go, it's pretty mild. I wouldn't like it, but if he ticks a lot of other boxes, I couldn't let him go either. He may give up one day or we might find out vaping has very limited long term effects. Or if it turns out to be very harmful, that might be what it takes for him to stop. There are many things to die from but you can't worry about them all.

Although the smell is sickly sweet, it doesn't linger by the way. My dc smokes them in their bedroom. It's nothing like cigarette smoke.

I absolutely hate vaping but it's really hard someone nice. If he's as great as you say, I'd get over it.

Would be a dealbreaker for me. Such a turn off sucking on a piece of plastic like a child.

He ticks every box I have to be honest.

That’s all you need to know. Amazing men don’t grow on trees.

Vaping is a really small issue in that grand scheme of things, especially if it’s his health you’re worried about, not that it’s a turn-off for you

I agree. It is not the worst thing in the world, he has a nicotine addiction and he's doing his best to stop smoking which is worse. I vape, my partner used to smoke and now vapes. Until this thread I never saw it as a "dummy" or "comfort blanket". It is an aid for those wanting to quit cigarettes in my opinion. I don't understand kids vaping when they've never smoked so I can't comment on that.

I wouldn't throw this away, if he feels the same as you do then maybe a bit of a chat and he will end up weaning off the vapes.

Good luck!

(For me) Nothing to do with their health but I hate cigarette smoke and I hare the sweet sickly stench of vapes. Would be a huge no no from me!

I couldn’t be with someone who vaped

We all have deal breakers and so it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it’s for you to decide if this is something that really bothers you or not.

Personally smoking and vaping is a massive deal breaker for me - probably number one on my list so I couldn’t entertain continuing a relationship. But that’s a personal choice - you need to decide if this matters to you or not.

Does he vape around you and inside?
my dp vapes and I was quite surprised when I found out as wouldn’t have expected it.
he used it to kick a 20yr smoking habit.
he is very surreptitious about it, hates doing it in public, never does it inside or in the car. Just nips out for a couple of minutes now and then, we don’t live together and no imminent plans for that due to respective dc.

I don’t love it but I tend to forget he does it as never see or smell it!

Couldn’t bear someone doing it around me though with that sickly smell.

Where I live the teenagers hanging round shops are all smoking weed, Vaping would be a massive improvement!

Sorry, have on advice (other than I wouldn’t date a vaper because of the smell), but I keep misreading your title on ‘Active threads’ as ‘He fucks so many boxes, but he vapes’…

Nobody knows whether vaping causes early death or not. It's better than smoking.
Someone could be overweight, have heart problems, have diabetes, have COPD. That's just human beings ageing. You have to die of something!

So to worry about how and when your similar age new partner will pop his clogs seems somewhat OTT.

I think I'd be more annoyed about having to walk everywhere constantly waving smoke away from wafting my face tbh. I dunno what it is about vapors, they seem to love to walk and smoke xD give me a cigarette smoker over that any day.

I wouldn't even have thought about it being unhealthy tbh. Most dudes are unhealthy. They have guts on them in their 30s usually from beer drinking and good living.

Most relationships are not forevers. Just have some fun with it.

When I met my husband he smoked. It was a big deal breaker for me so I told him and he stopped (already wanted to himself) he vaped for a few months to ease himself off and then stopped that too. Its been over 10 years now and never gone back to it.

However what I didn't realise at the time is that if you don't also deal with the underlying causes of addiction you're more susceptible to just moving on to other addictions. My husband had no real healthy coping mechanisms for life. He didn't know how to open up or talk but pretended he did. It was hidden very very well. Addicts on the surface can appear as laid back people pleasers but underlying that is resentments entitlements and no ability to meet their own needs in a healthy way. Thankfully my husbands had lots of therapy to solve this.

You seem to be falling very quickly and intensly. I would slow things down and really observe his behaviours. That's not to say don't go for the relationship but be cautious. It's also absolutely OK to not want to go ahead with the relationship because he vapes or really for any reason at all.

If everything else is good that’s a non issue really. Nobody is going to be ‘perfect’ and decent single men are very thin on the ground.

There’s going to be compromise with anyone you meet. If this is the only one, I don’t think you’ve done bad.

It sounds like he's on a journey having given up cigarettes. That's a lot more acceptable to me than teens taking up vaping just for the sake of it.

You can ask he doesn't do it around you.

I wouldn't be bothered too much about the long term health implications. Firstly they are unclear and far less serioys than those caused by cigarettes, and secondly, there are plenty of other conditions he could develop. None of us know what we might contract in the future.

Maybe your friends are as judgemental as most Mumsnetters seem to be though. Is that's what's putting you off?