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Original poster

He ticks so many boxes, but he vapes?

122 replies

notsureboutit · 14/10/2024 21:59

I've been dating someone a few months and it's getting really serious. He ticks every box I have to be honest. We get on so well, he's emotionally intelligent, he's sexy, he's funny, he's kind etc. I've never clicked with someone so much. I have been married previously and never felt this way about him, ever.

I just really hate the fact that he vapes. My ex husband was 20 years older than me and I always felt down about being almost guaranteed a future alone. My new partner is only a year older than me but because of the amount he vapes and how unclear it is about the long term effects of this I kind of feel the same in this scenario. I know you can't predict when people will die but I feel it doesn't bode well.

He used to smoke and used vaping to stop, I've had the conversation casually and he says he will one day but that he enjoys it. I just don't know how I feel, on one hand it feels nuts to not pursue it because of the vaping but I also would hate to fall for him even more, build a life with him and then lose him early because of it?

OP posts:
Gabitule · 15/10/2024 10:29

OP, I think this is not about whether or not he vapes but about whether or not he is willing to make changes to his behaviour to make you happy. At the same time, he may think that by asking him to stop you are trying to control him, so he may fight back out of principle.

My main concern regarding someone who vapes even though they know it’s bad for them, is that this shows lack of discipline, and I would fear that this would be a theme in other parts of their live - no discipline when it comes to exercise, healthy eating, work ethic… So you probably need to have a conversation with him and say ‘this is really important to me! If it’s not such a big deal for you, if you’re not super addicted etc then why not stop for me’?? See how he replies… I must add that I was on the receiving end of this conversation (I was the smoker) and, although I was annoyed and felt my bf was trying to ‘control’ me, I stopped because having a happy relationship with him and not having him look at me in disgust was more important to me. I am obviously glad he made me stop! And I should also add that I do struggle with discipline in other areas of my life and this can affect relationships and my personal happiness.

So I say no to a vaper- not because of the act of vaping but because it points to certain characteristics about a person that I don’t like (because I dislike them in myself too)

DalRiata · 15/10/2024 10:41

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 14/10/2024 22:57

Vapers are definitely the sort of people who go to A&E with their entire extended family and get a KFC delivered.

I've never heard of that happening but the thought of it made me laugh aloud.

Clipicks · 15/10/2024 11:25

Easy to spot the defensive vapers on this thread 😅

I respect those that are using them as a tool to give up smoking but it would be a massive turn off for so many people. I'm glad I'm not in the dating game trying to weed out the turn offs!

I can't understand why you'd lessen your chances of finding an amazing person by choosing to have such an unattractive yet poxy habit. Talk about falling at the first hurdle.

kungfullama · 15/10/2024 11:31

Clipicks · 15/10/2024 11:25

Easy to spot the defensive vapers on this thread 😅

I respect those that are using them as a tool to give up smoking but it would be a massive turn off for so many people. I'm glad I'm not in the dating game trying to weed out the turn offs!

I can't understand why you'd lessen your chances of finding an amazing person by choosing to have such an unattractive yet poxy habit. Talk about falling at the first hurdle.

Easy to spot the superiority seekers too...

TenWeeCaramelJoeys · 15/10/2024 11:44

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2024 07:23

Good lord, the judgement on here! “Chavvy” Stupid” “never met a decent person who smoked or vaped” “everyone knows it’s stupid”, “looks awful/ridiculous”.

I assume all of you are absolute paragons of health and virtue? Not carrying any extra weight because, as well all know, that increases your risk of cardiovascular disease and cancer? Don’t drink any alcohol at all since, as we all know, any amount of alcohol increases your risk of a variety of cancers and dementia. Do the recommended amount of exercise per week, a mix of cardio and strength, because, yuck, who wants to be with someone who doesn’t exercise regularly? “they look awful”

if you don’t want to date him op, don’t, that it absolutely your choice, but all the judgement on this thread is unpleasant and unnecessary.

If a man posted on here that he’d met a lovely women and he really liked her but she was “fat” I cannot imagine people responding that being fat was “chavvy” or “stupid” or “looks awful” or “fat people are the type to take their whole family to a&e and order a KFC bucket”.

Absolutely agree.

I have never smoked or vaped in my life, but I have my vices! My 16yo thinks vaping is cool and we're having a bit of a battle with him over it. Peer pressure and all that. He's the loveliest boy, not some reprobate. Some of the comments here are absolutely horrible. It's fine not to like something, but to see it as some sort of moral failing or character flaw is spectacularly judgmental.

westernlights · 15/10/2024 12:01

I'm sure if the op had kids she wouldn't want them to think it's acceptable that ' mum's new bloke is like puff the magic dragon'

aCatCalledFawkes · 15/10/2024 12:05

Clipicks · 15/10/2024 11:25

Easy to spot the defensive vapers on this thread 😅

I respect those that are using them as a tool to give up smoking but it would be a massive turn off for so many people. I'm glad I'm not in the dating game trying to weed out the turn offs!

I can't understand why you'd lessen your chances of finding an amazing person by choosing to have such an unattractive yet poxy habit. Talk about falling at the first hurdle.

You can tell that you haven't done OLD before. There is literally noo-ne perfect out there over the age of 30ish, at best its a mix of people with different bagages that you just have to try and weed out what you can live with. I have met so many men who also don't vape but had different issues like the one who told me about is long term affair when he was married (on a first date).
OP also said lots of nice things too, emotionally intelligent, kind, funny, sexy, having a laugh, get on really well etc....

westernlights · 15/10/2024 12:15

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 14/10/2024 22:57

Vapers are definitely the sort of people who go to A&E with their entire extended family and get a KFC delivered.

Ha, maybe kfc flavoured vapes could be handed out in A&E.

Colonel vape...nhs approved

NoraLuka · 15/10/2024 12:27

Bloody hell I knew there were plenty of sanctimonious non smokers about, hadn’t realised it was the same for vapers! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and all that.

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 15/10/2024 12:29

Vapes, smoking, drugs and large amounts of drinking are deal breakers for me.

I wouldn’t want to be with a vaper.

westernlights · 15/10/2024 12:41

It's all about personal boundaries and what YOU would/wouldn't tolerate. Boundaries much needed for online dating.

However if vaping hasn't been on your boundary/dealbreaker list and you're unsure how you feel then I'd suggest you give it a few weeks and reevaluate. You could suck it and see....not literally.....well maybe

SunriseMonsters · 15/10/2024 12:42

Are you for real? You say someone is everything you want and would dismiss them over something so trivial? Confused

westernlights · 15/10/2024 12:46

SunriseMonsters · 15/10/2024 12:42

Are you for real? You say someone is everything you want and would dismiss them over something so trivial? Confused

It's not trivial to the op or many others.

Mydogsleftearishalfcocked · 15/10/2024 12:58

MayaPinion · 15/10/2024 05:14

If it's a deal breaker it's a deal breaker. Do not stay with him in the expectation of changing him - that's not going to happen. He has given you a non committal 'maybe some day'. That means he probably won't so you either accept it or you don't.

Absolutely this^

You mustn’t go in to a relationship expecting to change someone! They have to do that themselves.

So only you can make the decision alone whether vaping is a deal breaker or not op.

Tbh though op I think he sounds marvellous!

I suppose at one point, if the relationship continues, and you get to the point of having the “shall we get serious” conversation you could explain, using “I” statements about your problems with vaping op.

I agree with you that it isn’t a healthy habit to have.

Maybe you could explore with him the reasons why he feels he needs it as something to rely on. But that convo needs to
be handled very sensitively.

Op there are NO guarantees in life about potentially losing someone. I know this from personal experience. It can happen in an instant very unexpectedly. You might be the first to go!

And if vaping helps him to be funny, kind and emotionally intelligent maybe that’s a good thing? A more interesting q might be what would he be like emotionally without the vaping?

BlueBerryBad · 15/10/2024 13:19

It's a deal breaker for me. You get to pick what it is for you, but no pressure from me to accept it. I find it repulsive.

User3456 · 18/10/2024 00:31

If it's life expectancy you're concerned about, I would be more worried about how many times he's catching covid too.

HobbyHorse30 · 18/10/2024 06:54

Vaping being a deal breaker is fair, it wouldn’t be for me. If it’s not the vaping itself that’s the issue but the fact that he might die before you because of the vaping then that’s a bit bonkers TBH. It sounds like you have this need to control the future that can never be satisfied

BrainLife · 18/10/2024 07:04

I wouldn't date someone who vapes. Purely because today is my first day vape free, and a year cigarette free. I have a 5yo and worry about the risks. Cancer research says after 10 years your health and risk is pretty much back to normal. I have 9 years to go. I worry about the unknown health risks of vaping that might crop up in 10/20/30 years. I also hate how it looks. Nobody knows I vape and I find it embarrassing (but has been so critical for me getting off cigarettes!). So no I wouldn't date a vaper, I wouldn't judge one either though (despite judging myself harshly).

Candystore22 · 18/10/2024 07:12

Plenty of people will tell you he could get hit by a bus etc, which is true. But I get you. I couldn’t date a vaper, or a smoker. I just think it’s absolutely gross and the smell makes me 🤢 similar to how poor hygiene can be grim.

Waterboatlass · 18/10/2024 08:17

I find it very off-putting and unedifying to be around but I'm not sure it would be an absolute deal breaker. I think you need to decide. Smoking would be a deal breaker as would flavoured vapes (Ew). Could he agree for you not to have to be around it?

TenWeeCaramelJoeys · 18/10/2024 08:51

BrainLife · 18/10/2024 07:04

I wouldn't date someone who vapes. Purely because today is my first day vape free, and a year cigarette free. I have a 5yo and worry about the risks. Cancer research says after 10 years your health and risk is pretty much back to normal. I have 9 years to go. I worry about the unknown health risks of vaping that might crop up in 10/20/30 years. I also hate how it looks. Nobody knows I vape and I find it embarrassing (but has been so critical for me getting off cigarettes!). So no I wouldn't date a vaper, I wouldn't judge one either though (despite judging myself harshly).

Bloody well done for getting off the cigarettes. That's what vapes were supposed to be for (try telling my 16yo that😬)

MrsWallers · 18/10/2024 09:15

I have concerns about the long term imapct of vaping. It would be a deal breaker for me. My older son started a Nordic Spirit habit (tobacco gum) I was very very upset It is linked to mouth cancers.

Girlmum2203 · 18/10/2024 16:26

My now DH smoked when we met, I encouraged him to vape as an alternative and it doesn't bother me as much as smoking did. He doesn't vape around me or the kids, never in the car, he just pops outside and gets his fix.
If he used a vape to quit smoking, then who cares. My DH is slowly weaning himself off the nicotine in his, so he can be fully off the vape but it's like smoking, still an addiction.
Personally I don't see what the big deal is, ask him to not vape around you, he shouldn't have an issue with popping outside for a quick vape.

Mickey79 · 18/10/2024 16:44

I think you can decide who you date and who you don’t. If vaping is a deal breaker for you, that’s absolutely fair enough. I’d not date someone overweight, especially if they regularly frequented fast food joints. Alcohol excess, drugs and gambling would also be a no for me. We all have something which makes us think ‘ no thanks’.

BigAnne · 18/10/2024 16:59

@notsureboutit Let him go. There's plenty of women out there who'd be happy to have him based on all the good points you highlighted. Hopefully then you'll meet Mr Right who'll match your perfect qualities.