He ticks so many boxes, but he vapes?

[notsureboutit]

I've been dating someone a few months and it's getting really serious. He ticks every box I have to be honest. We get on so well, he's emotionally intelligent, he's sexy, he's funny, he's kind etc. I've never clicked with someone so much. I have been married previously and never felt this way about him, ever.

I just really hate the fact that he vapes. My ex husband was 20 years older than me and I always felt down about being almost guaranteed a future alone. My new partner is only a year older than me but because of the amount he vapes and how unclear it is about the long term effects of this I kind of feel the same in this scenario. I know you can't predict when people will die but I feel it doesn't bode well.

He used to smoke and used vaping to stop, I've had the conversation casually and he says he will one day but that he enjoys it. I just don't know how I feel, on one hand it feels nuts to not pursue it because of the vaping but I also would hate to fall for him even more, build a life with him and then lose him early because of it?

I went from smoking to vaping, then 0%, then stopped. Maybe he will too?

Good grief! How utterly judgemental.

Thanks for telling me (an ex smoker and ex vaper) that I'm not a good person. I had never realised. I must tell my 4 kids, 3 grandchildren, and thousands of people I have helped professionally in my life that I was a bad person all along.

Erm no. How rude.

Wow the hate is showing in here. Mental or physical health problems are 'drama'?!

There's some truly ugly, nasty people on Mumsnet. Truly.

The thing with vaping is that you can reduce the nicotine down to 0 over time and then quit

Also, the thing with vaping is that people get addicted and don't do this ^

If you're worried about him dying from vaping and leaving you alone.......that seems quite a co-dependant way of looking at a relationship

Perhaps try to work out why you're worried about being alone (if you are - i may have misunderstood)

It only appears to be on MN that people are so ridiculously snobby and over the top about it. I don't like it's reflective of real life.

Ridiculous how many people here say they would rather someone smoke than vape! What's wrong with you people?? Why do you associate it with children?? Yes children vape but years ago, children also smoked behind the bike sheds too. Honestly, such a judgemental lot of people here. Guess what, I judge people on being bitchy, unhealthy eating, cheating, getting stupidly drunk - like many people here on MN. Maybe give OP advice to find one of those as god forbid he vapes!!!

I think it’s fine to have this as a deal breaker. We all have them. Some people might not want to date a vegan; long distance cyclist; someone in the police; someone who supports the rival football team to theirs; someone who has four dogs; someone with children … all totally fine.

This.
Thread.
Is.
Hilarious.

Classic MN hoity toity judgemental crap. Adult dummy?! Seriously???!!! 🤣🤦‍♀️

If he makes you happy @notsureboutit , then go for it. He's made a good choice for his health to quit smoking...not an easy thing to do. Enjoy the time you have together.

It's really not surprising that people don't get on with OLD when they take advice from MN like this. Everyone from 30s upwards generally has baggage, including woman on this forum, possibly even the OP herself. You just have to work out what baggage you can work with.
OP, I guess for you you need to think about if this is important enough for it to be a dealbreaker and would you miss this person if he wasn't in your life. Could you return to online dating or is the vaping something you can work with. For me I would take emotionally intelligent and kind over everything else.

Good lord, the judgement on here! “Chavvy” Stupid” “never met a decent person who smoked or vaped” “everyone knows it’s stupid”, “looks awful/ridiculous”.

I assume all of you are absolute paragons of health and virtue? Not carrying any extra weight because, as well all know, that increases your risk of cardiovascular disease and cancer? Don’t drink any alcohol at all since, as we all know, any amount of alcohol increases your risk of a variety of cancers and dementia. Do the recommended amount of exercise per week, a mix of cardio and strength, because, yuck, who wants to be with someone who doesn’t exercise regularly? “they look awful”

if you don’t want to date him op, don’t, that it absolutely your choice, but all the judgement on this thread is unpleasant and unnecessary.

If a man posted on here that he’d met a lovely women and he really liked her but she was “fat” I cannot imagine people responding that being fat was “chavvy” or “stupid” or “looks awful” or “fat people are the type to take their whole family to a&e and order a KFC bucket”.

No thank you.

Any form of addiction is a nuclear powered glowing red flag the size of Alaska.

I won't deal with it in a partner.
It takes up money, it takes up energy and it takes up time. All of these things are more precious to me that some fuck nut with an addiction.

Honestly smoking or vapojg would put me off someone. Always always hated it

@Buildingthefuture don't forget psychologically damaged 😂

💯!!!

Have you seen the bigger dating pool? If vaping is the only issue I'd be trying to see if he was willing to stop before cutting him off altogether. He sounds like a good one, I wouldn't let this be the dealbreaker!

To be honest I would be a bit if a relatively new partner started trying to get me to change things about myself at a his early stage.

If it's a deal breaker for op then it's a deal breaker. I wouldn't be trying to change someone or telling them how to live their life. It's a shame if he ticks so many boxes but only she knows what she is willing to put up with.

Absolutely.

The amount of posters who think vaping doesnt look ridiculous are deluded.

The poster said she had a peaceful nice life, why would she want to add any potential issues when it's not needed and she has a choice who enters her life.

She wasn't saying she'd ditch a husband of family member who developed a physical or mental health problem. It's about who you choose to add to your nice peaceful life....

that's fantastic to hear, exactly how health professionals were hoping originally vaping would work!...i do think Op@notsureboutit if you are more concerned about longevity (which i.m.o. is a misplaced concern)rather than the day to day reality of living with a vaper, that if you are considering breaking up over this issue then at least you could explain to him your thinking. Sometimes a positive reason to quit altogether is helpful hence why sometimes we finally get people to quit after a health scare or a new grandchild for eg.

I don't like tattoos, lots of people do that's fine they can choose to have partners that have them.

Many people who get tattoos do so to following experiences of identity stripping and wanting to reassert themselves and redeveloping their identity. Are naturally adrenaline or pain seekers or like to follow the crowd ie lower back tattoos they can't even see in the 00s. Therefore whilst a tattoo in itself isnt drama, the potential backstory and type of person that has them is likely to be dramatic or require higher emotional support.

I'm not sure how vaping somehow equates to drama that would disrupt a peaceful life. It's not a crack addiction. I don't think there will be drug dealers banging her door down over debts on a strawberry vape.

I haven't heard it described as that before but to be honest it’s quite a good one.
I mean they are getting them out and sucking on them every however often, presumably don’t like it if they can’t have it etc
A lot of them don’t want to get rid of it or have to be weaned off it.

Maybe we need a vape fairy :)

Plus I think people are linking it to children because vaping is seen as a teen thing to do. I barely see any adults doing it. Apart from one man near me who walks along doing the school run puffing out candy floss which is hardly a mature look for a 45 year old.

Used as a tool to quit smoking -great. But if you’re doing it years later or never even smoked then 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Singleandproud maybe they just like art....

And that is ofcourse entirely possible, you'll notice I said "Many people" not "all people" but there has been a fair bit of research conducted on those with tattoos and those that have experienced adverse childhoods or other stressful situations and there was a lot of overlap and those stresses carry on into adult life. I'm not interested in rescuing anyone or walking on eggshells. Entirely different if these things develop after you start a relationship with someone but I certainly wouldn't be seeking one out. Not interested in anyone with any sort of addictive personality etc

But we are still free to choose our potential partners for any factor that we do / do not like. I'm sure there are many reasons I might be ruled out as a potential partner and that is just fine.