Can a husband be in love with his wife and have long term affair?

Summerdaysandnights · 2024-10-13T15:44:50+00:00

I'm not taking him back but he keeps saying he always loved me and always will... If so why did he have an affair ? We had regular good sex ( before of course I found out he had a mistress) It's over now between them .I always thought if you loved your spouse/ partner you wouldn't even dream of cheating, am I wrong ? .

CharlotteLightandDark · 13/10/2024 16:46

probably not ‘in love’ but love as a level of care and affection/fondness yes definitely

TipsyJoker · 13/10/2024 16:50

I would agree with you. He’s prob come crawling back because it’s not worked out with her and he’s realised the grass wasn’t greener. Hell mend him I say. Hope you’re ok. Well done for not putting up with this.

PermanentTemporary · 13/10/2024 16:50

Yes I do in fact.

But you don't have to put up with his version of love if it is too lightweight and hurtful for you.

Elasticatedtrousers · 13/10/2024 16:53

Yes. But it’s their view of what love looks like that’s the problem.

I personally believe many affairs are addictive in nature and often used as a self soothing tool. They have very little to do with the person being betrayed and a lot more to do with the flaw in character of the cheat.

The betrayed is collateral damage.

I know people will disagree and shout about lack of respect but I’ve known cheats who genuinely believed they loved their partners.

Whether their love is worth anything is another matter.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/10/2024 16:55

Yeah I think so.

Every other form of love can be for multiple people. I love both my siblings equally, same with my children. I love both my Dad and my Step Dad (actually this one's bollocks. My Dad's a twat, but the example serves a point)

So why is romantic love different? It's not, aside from the fact that our culture is built around monogamous relationships.

So yes, I think someone can love both their wife and an affair partner. Doesn't mean it's not a spectacularly shitty thing to do though.

aCatCalledFawkes · 13/10/2024 16:57

I guess the better question is can a wife stay in love with her husband after an affair? Will things be the same again?

TheCultureHusks · 13/10/2024 16:57

What that means is - it’s love as defined by a selfish bag of shit who will always put themselves first.

So ohhh I love you but hang on I still come first second and third… so that ‘love’ actually means thinking fondly of you, deigning to live with you and being perfectly nice and enjoying your company, but no, not prepared to deny himself anything because it would hurt you. Oh no, that’s not what he means by love. You go straight under the bus at that point!

See also: selfish parents who whine that ‘their kids are their world’ but do shitty stuff like move in new partners at the drop of a hat. All the dramatic declarations, none of the care. Not a single act which shows that they will put their welfare above indulging themselves.

In his mind he ‘loves’ you because love to him is fluff and words. But nothing more. He’ll never understand the difference, so keep the narcissist out of your life!

LadyWiddiothethird · 13/10/2024 16:58

No!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 13/10/2024 16:58

Yes. They can also find the wife so much more attractive than the mistress but the ego loves attention and the flesh is weak.

Autumnblackberries · 13/10/2024 16:59

Because he can have his cake and eat it.
As long as he's got two women prepared to go along with it.
Utter ego and selfishness

wulves · 13/10/2024 16:59

In love? No. Love? Yes…of a sort. A weak, selfish kind of love that doesn’t extend past his own well-being.

rockingbird · 13/10/2024 17:02

aCatCalledFawkes · 13/10/2024 16:57

I guess the better question is can a wife stay in love with her husband after an affair? Will things be the same again?

This.. 💯
I speak from experience, your question is the very same question I asked myself over and over until it completely consumed me and then walked away. You simply cannot love someone and hurt them so much (not in my world anyway)!

I know your hurting and I completely feel your pain having been there. Please don't be me, shut it down and take back your life. He threw it all away and deserves absolutely nothing more from you. Focus your time and energy on yourself.

itsgettingweird · 13/10/2024 17:03

Yes I think so too.

But the not the same type of love iyswim?

I think you can love your spouse and it can become a familiar love and then you can lust after another and feel it's an intense love.

However I do not understand any circumstances think you should act on that. And if you choose to act on it you leave your spouse first and take the risk of greener grass.

My ex cheated on me. He said he loved me but there was no way he was coming back. I still loved him for quite a while afterwards but I hated him for what he did.

We had a baby. Things were tough. Our love life evolved. He could have waited for it to evolve again. But he made his choice.

IcedPurple · 13/10/2024 17:06

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/10/2024 16:55

Yeah I think so.

Every other form of love can be for multiple people. I love both my siblings equally, same with my children. I love both my Dad and my Step Dad (actually this one's bollocks. My Dad's a twat, but the example serves a point)

So why is romantic love different? It's not, aside from the fact that our culture is built around monogamous relationships.

So yes, I think someone can love both their wife and an affair partner. Doesn't mean it's not a spectacularly shitty thing to do though.

I guess in theory yes, you can love more than one person in a 'romantic' way.

However, if that's your belief, you need to make that clear to your partner at the outset of your relationship. You can't just turn around, as this man has done, and say you've been shagging someone else behind her back for years. That's deceit, and you don't do that to someone you love.

And I wonder if this man would be so tolerant if his wife had a long term affair but claimed to still love him too?

Original poster

Summerdaysandnights · 13/10/2024 17:07

Oh I won't ever take him back because he threw away a 30 yr marriage for her .He knew my view on affairs ..It had caused me the most horrendous pain ever and now he tells me he always loved me and wants only me .

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 13/10/2024 17:08

Elasticatedtrousers · 13/10/2024 16:53

Yes. But it’s their view of what love looks like that’s the problem.

I personally believe many affairs are addictive in nature and often used as a self soothing tool. They have very little to do with the person being betrayed and a lot more to do with the flaw in character of the cheat.

The betrayed is collateral damage.

I know people will disagree and shout about lack of respect but I’ve known cheats who genuinely believed they loved their partners.

Whether their love is worth anything is another matter.

I’d agree with that.

There can be different kinds of love and, while I’m not sure the highly lustful kind is the best of them op, I think his version probably involves less of both that and also the empathetic not wanting to hurt someone kind of love that you’d hope for.

I do think - and this is NOT an excuse for it before posters come raging - that some men still do suffer from the Victorian view that sorts of debauched sauciness they thoroughly enjoy should be a little beneath the type of nice girl they would marry. I mean what would Mother and nanny think! We all laugh at that kind of thing and think society has moved on, but I’ve known several men ( well actually it was their wives who told me) who basically gave a “ well I didn’t think you’d want to be treated like that” kind of watery excuse and seemed genuinely taken aback the betrayed wive wasn’t thanking him for taking it elsewhere.

Hollietree · 13/10/2024 17:08

I think for many men love and sex are two very separate things. They can love their wife and have sex with other women, keeping the two things very separate in their minds. Not all men, some men.

I think for more women love and sex are very much more entwined. Again, not all women, but in my experience a higher percentage.

IcedPurple · 13/10/2024 17:13

Hollietree · 13/10/2024 17:08

I think for many men love and sex are two very separate things. They can love their wife and have sex with other women, keeping the two things very separate in their minds. Not all men, some men.

I think for more women love and sex are very much more entwined. Again, not all women, but in my experience a higher percentage.

But would these men who 'separate love and sex' be happy for their wives to have a purely sexual affair with another man? Or several men?

Somehow I doubt it.

2kbak · 13/10/2024 17:17

He did it because he could - and he fancied an ego boost and the fun of a new shag. There doesn't actually have to be anything wrong with the marriage - the kind of man that does this under these circumstances is terminally selfish and arrogant and thinks that they are too grand to bother to think about consequences. Well, now he's got his consequences. Twat.

TornLimb · 13/10/2024 17:17

Well I think if you want to apply some sort of scientific research to reach a conclusion you could....

Send him a video of you sucking someone else's dick and underneath it write "I love you" tell him you've been doing this for X ammount of years and see if he believes you.

Why should he be the only one to test this theory and think you should acept his data.

rockingbird · 13/10/2024 17:20

Good for you @Summerdaysandnights
He's made his choice, it absolutely baffles me that men choose to throw away their marriage for their dick! The pain they cause is fucking awful - I'll never trust another living soul and I was the most giving person before.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 13/10/2024 17:22

No, I don't think they can be in love if they've had a long term affair.

A single drunken kiss - sure. Long term lying to your face? No. How could you be in love with someone you had such little respect for.

I think it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time, but not to be in love with someone you're willing to treat so badly.

Crushed23 · 13/10/2024 17:28

Well done for not taking him back.

I hate when men resurface as soon as their options close down. I had a guy practically ghost me earlier this year when someone else piqued his interest. When she didn't return his attention he suddenly popped up again in my life. No thank you. 😐

Calliopespa · 13/10/2024 17:28

IcedPurple · 13/10/2024 17:13

But would these men who 'separate love and sex' be happy for their wives to have a purely sexual affair with another man? Or several men?

Somehow I doubt it.

Show quote history

Somehow I do too.

AngelinaFibres · 13/10/2024 17:30

Summerdaysandnights · 13/10/2024 17:07

Oh I won't ever take him back because he threw away a 30 yr marriage for her .He knew my view on affairs ..It had caused me the most horrendous pain ever and now he tells me he always loved me and wants only me .

Presumably if the affair hadn't ended he'd still be with her. It has, so now he's looking for a easy and familiar option rather than having to launch himself on the dating pool of scary, demanding women.He'll tell you any lazy bullshit that gets his feet back under the table. If you take him back I'd give it a year and he'll be having another affair